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  For this child I prayed; and the Lord hath
  given me my petition which I asked of him:
  Therefore also I have lent him to the Lord...
                                        1 Samuel 1:27-28

When I originally wrote this story, I was writing Jacob's story.  But Jacob's story is not complete without it also being Derek's, Chandler's, and Trevor's stories.  Hence, my bitter sorrow is indelibly mixed with gratitude and joy.  For although I lost a son, I was blessed with three other's in the same pregnancy. 

After years of trying to have children, through a second In Vitro Fertilization cycle, I received the long awaited phone call from my OB.  "Yes, it does look like you are pregnant, but we want to test you again..."  Fearful of a another  false positive, I phoned my fertility specialist for an explanation of the results of my pregnancy test.  "You are definitely pregnant," he said, "in fact, most likely with more than one."  We were elated at the prospect of being pregnant and the possibility of twins.  After an anxious wait, we found ourselves in a darkened radiologists office undergoing an ultrasound.  The technician was pensive.  We held our breath.  I could not see the screen and although Steve could, the technician was not explaining what she was seeing.  After several minutes she left and brought back her supervisor.  Again, after several minutes of staring at the screen, she informed us we would be parents of quadruplets.  Steve was stunned, head held in his hands.  He was thinking vans and college and finishing our house to fit our new family.  But he was also thinking four plus him makes a basketball team.  And I was elated.  Scared, but elated. 

After learning as much as possible about quadruplet pregnancies, we began doing all we could to ensure the safe arrival of our crew.  The first trimester was filled with unbelievable 'morning' sickness complete with visits to the ER to be re-hydrated.  At 16 weeks gestation, I quit working and began 'couch potato' rest.  Although we knew the risks associated with higher order multiple pregnancies, I had no doubt that Heavenly Father would make sure my babies made it safely here.

At week 17, Jacob's sac ruptured.  I was rushed to the hospital.  I was terrified that I was going to lose one, if not all of my children.  At the hospital my doctor found that although Jacob's sac had ruptured, he was cushioned on all sides by the sacs of his brothers, so he had room to move.  He was also still producing enough fluid that he was able to breathe.  Although the prognosis did not look good, we watched as day by day Jacob hung on.  I began to hope once again that I would be bringing home all four of my sons. 

Week 18.  I woke during the night feeling something wasn't right.  I called the nurse and she monitored me for contractions.  Nothing but uterine irritability.  The following morning I was monitored again, and, once again, nothing but irritability.  After I showered, without any warning, I delivered Jacob.  I felt no contractions, just the minimal pressure I felt during the night.  I screamed and the doctors and nurses came running.  Within minutes my tiny son was in my arms.  He was 8 3/4 inches long and 9 ounces.  He was the tiniest and yet most perfect child I had ever seen.  He lived for several minutes in my arms, moving his tiny fingers and arms as I held and rocked him.  The neonatologist arrived and confirmed what I already knew.  There was nothing they could do.  Jacob died in my arms at 10:04am.  Steve and I continued to hold and cuddle and say goodbye to the son we had barely begun to say hello to.  I hadn't known that there was pain that excruciating.  

The next days are a blur.  I wanted to give up.  I had been certain that Heavenly Father was going to allow me to keep all of my babies.  I thought that surely after all the pain and heartache we went through to conceive them, that He would let us have these miracles.  With all of the people we had praying for us and all of the prayers we were offering ourselves, I had no doubt we would bring home all of our children.  I was let down.  And I did not want to continue.  

A few days later, a nurse was monitoring heartbeats and asked where Baby A was.  I broke down, Baby A, Jacob, was gone.  I felt resentment when I could feel Derek, Chandler and Trevor move into the extra space in my womb.  I wrote letters to Jacob, telling him how sorry I was that my body had let him down.  I wanted to go home (from the hospital) and give up.  I realized that there was very little I could do to guarantee the safety of my children and I knew I could not face another loss like this.  But I had to go on.  I had three other sons depending on me and a wonderful perinatologist reminding me of that fact.  And I still needed to be strong for them.  So I focused on the other three and enduring the next months of bed rest. 

An emergency cerclage was performed so we would have a better chance of carrying Derek, Chandler and Trevor to a viable gestation.  The nurses, our friends, family and even wonderful people we hadn't met all celebrated with each week put behind us.  Our goals were tentative.  The research indicated very few multiple pregnancies continued successfully after delivery of one or more babies.  At week 21 Derek's amniotic fluid was dangerously low and his brothers were standing on and kicking his chest, making his heart rate slow down.  I was immediately put on magnesium sulfate and in trendelenburg position (head below my feet).  Although those measures helped, my doctor had to manually move Derek away from the opening of my cervix once his fluid levels increased.  I did not know at the time how concerned my doctor was about the situation.  After that scare, she hoped we would make it to 24 weeks and viability.

The next few weeks were uneventful.  I stayed in trendelenburg the rest of my pregnancy.  I concentrated on growing babies, thinking positive thoughts and preparing for bringing them home.  We breathed easier as we passed the 24 week mark, and each subsequent week brought us closer to our second goal, 28 weeks.  At 27.5 weeks Derek's sac ruptured.  A few days later, I went into a labor that lasted 4 days.  Derek was born at 4:04 on a Monday morning, at 2 pounds 1/2 ounce.  I was whisked away to the prenatal unit to quiet things down in hopes of delaying continued labor with Chandler and Trevor.  However, 6 hours later, Chandler's sac ruptured and I went into labor once again.  Due to a prolapsed cord, Chandler and Trevor were born via emergency c-section 29 hours later.  They weighed in at 2 pounds 2 1/2 ounces and 2 pounds 6 ounces, respectively.  All three of the boys had relatively uneventful stays in the NICU and were released when they were 8 weeks old. 

Throughout the remainder of the pregnancy I had focused on getting Derek, Chandler and Trevor here healthily.  Then I focused on bringing them home from the hospital safe and healthy.  And then I focused on caring for them in the initial whirlwind that comes with having higher order multiples.  Although I thought about Jacob everyday, Heavenly Father carried me through that time, assuaging my grief so that I was able to care for my other children.  Finally, 18 months later, the pain of grieving has finally hit home.  As I watch my surviving quads interact, I wonder about Jacob.  And I desperately miss him. 

                                   Written in April 2000