Received 4.25.2001

Dear Closet Atheist,

I’ve written to you before, heck, I even invited you over to my place for porn, but I have to say I’m beginning to have some doubts about being an atheist. See, a lot of stuff has been going wrong for me lately and it seems like America is going down the toilet and my question is "If there’s no God, WHO THE FUCK DO I BLAME!!??!!"

I just got laid off from my job from an Internet company a few weeks ago, then the company filed bankruptcy so I won’t be collecting my severance or unused vacation time any time soon. So needless to say I’m pretty pissed off. Now, at first, I thought blaming good ole GWB was in order..but then I thought about it. He’s a born again or some kind of fanatical ultra-religious jerk-off and I didn’t vote for him. Now I know he’s the President now and has some power, but I hardly think that he would put the country in a recession just to get me laid off to get back at me for voting for Gore. But maybe, just maybe, he prayed to God to smite down all the Democrats and GOD LISTENED! Causing a recession is just the sort of vengeful bullshit the God I learned about in grade school would do, wouldn’t you agree? I bet plague of locusts is on its way, too. All so GWB can ride into town like Moses and lead us all out of the desert.

Anyway, so this is my dilemma. I know bad stuff happens all the time, but this is the first time it’s happened directly to me. Do you think I’m being punished by God for watching too much porn and voting Democrat? Cause if all this shit is random I may just go and jump in front of a bus.

Regards,

A Fan

PS. The porn collection is growing.

My Reply:

I'm sorry to hear about you losing your job.  But do I think God is really punishing you?  Yes.  Yes I do.  Everyone knows that Jesus was white and that God is a homophobic, gun toting Republican.  If God can hold a 6,000 year grudge against all of humanity because a woman ate fruit from the wrong tree, imagine the curses he has in store for you for voting Democrat.  You will always scratch on the eight-ball, lose at poker and premature ejaculate.  The sultry girl at the bar who can't take her eyes off you will really be a man, your favorite baseball team will always lose in the last game of the World Series, and you will always sell your stock the day before it makes a record gain.

As for watching porn, I'll bet God is flattered that you have taken such an active interest in his creation.  Your hours of studying the female anatomy are like prayers of thanksgiving to the Almighty.  In fact, I'll wager the watching one porno is the equivalent of saying a rosary.

So in the end, voting Democrat and watching porn probably cancel each other out, putting you on even ground with everyone else.  And the fact that you lost your job means that you aren't watching enough porn.  So the next time you go to the polls I'd give "On Golden Blonde" or "One Wife to Give" one more careful viewing...  just to be safe.