Received 6.9.2001

Dear Closet Atheist:

I really enjoy your site.  It has provided me with insight and humor.  I have a problem I hope you can address.

I have been a nonbeliever since my mid 20s, shortly after I went to the west coast for school.  My family, which is entrenched in the deep South, is very religious for the most part.  Only 2 family members know that I am a nonbeliever, my sister -- a tolerant religious fanatic, and my uncle -- who is not much of a churchgoer himself but still believes in God.  I moved back home last year.  I feel alienated in the Bible Belt so I decided to discuss my beliefs with my uncle.  And while he kinda listened he said he thought that I was weak to give up my Christian beliefs based on logic and research sparked by someone's random comment and felt that it was a kind of betrayal of my roots.  Did I mention that I'm Black?  Well, he says that Christianity is a gift from our ancestors here in the U.S. and that I should believe in the Christian God for their sake.  My head doesn't think it makes any sense, but my heart does.  Since he mentioned it I have begun to question whether I have the right not to believe something that my parents and their parents believe.  I tried to explain to him that I retain the values of my parents.  He didn't believe that I truly honor them since I have rejected their most basic belief.  I can't help but wonder if he's right.  I have no doubt that God doesn't exist.  But I also believe in family.  And the Black heritage is an important one to me.  So, should I suppress my own disbelief in order to show honor and respect to my ancestors and the struggles they went through?  Is it even possible?  Could you address the issue of Christianity/Atheism in the Black community in a future essay?

A nonbeliever caught in a heart's dilemma.

My Reply:

I'm afraid I don't know enough about religion in the black community to write about it with any authority, but here are some thoughts on your situation.

In your letter you ask if it is even possible to suspend your disbelief. I think this is the real issue. Atheism is not a choice. It is a position that you arrive at gradually. Like stacking building blocks, experience by experience, atheism begins to make more sense and feel less frightening. Knowing that there is no God provides a new perspective-- a clarity that is undeniable. You can put the blinders back on, but you will still remember what you saw without them. For me trying to believe in God would be like trying to convince myself the world is flat.

It is sort of like the end of The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy's quest for salvation finally brings her to the great wizard, only to discover that he is just an ordinary man masquerading behind some convincing props. Knowledge changes everything. Once you know, it is impossible to just "pay no attention to the man behind the curtain."

Should you fake it?  I don't know that you have to.  Respecting the beliefs of others does not mean you must share those beliefs. Just because you don't believe in God doesn't mean you can't believe in your family. To me, the fact that this issue causes you such concern illustrates the tremendous respect you have for your family and heritage.

Maybe there is a compromise to be found while you work this out. If your family asks you to attend church with them, perhaps you should go, not to worship God, but to spend time with your family. I don't think you will be able to make any quick decisions on this issue, but just like the way you became an atheist, experience by experience, this will play itself out. Eventually the answer will seem obvious, but until then the moderate approach may serve you best.

I recently received a letter from an Italian-American who raised a similar issue. Here is a link if you are interested.

4.13.2001 A young man's parents, who can't come to grips with his atheism, make sure he adheres to a strict regiment of church, bible school and bible camp.  Things are erupting into a full scale debate.

Reply from another reader.  Received 6.22.2001

I would like to comment on the interesting exchange between the Closet Atheist and the doubter who wondered if denying Christianity meant denying her black heritage. As always, I found the Closet Atheist's opinions to be well-thought-out, even and respectful in tone, yet challenging.

I would like to add my two cents, with the caveat that I am not a black woman so may not be able to fully appreciate the situation. Even before I became an atheist, I wondered why American blacks continued with the religion of their enslavers. The bible is ambivalent about slavery, at the least, and there are many passages which condone slavery and were in fact used by anti-emancipation religious leaders as justification.

It seems to me that even worse than physical enslavement is mental, emotional, and spiritual enslavement. That is, when even a person's religion is dictated to her, she is thoroughly subjugated. May I suggest that rejecting the religion that was forced upon one's ancestors may be a way to honor those ancestors.

However, one must respect the fact that one's parents are deeply committed to their religion. Such respect does not mean that one should live one's own life the same way. And, forgive me if I sound cliché, but it seems that parents who really love their children would want them to become independent human beings, not mirror images.

It is difficult but possible to co-exist with (and even love) those who are not like you, whether one is speaking about strangers of a different color or family members of a different creed. Best wishes!

Reply from another reader.  Received 6.23.2001

I read the e-mail concerning a woman wondering whether being an atheist is a betrayal of her Black heritage. I am wondering whether or not this issue transcends race. After all, Christianity has become a family tradition for people of many cultures. My own family is of French descent, and my parents and their parents are VERY Catholic.

Perhaps a look at what heritage is is in order. My handy-dandy dictionary claims it is "something handed down from one's ancestors or the past, as a characteristic, a culture, tradition, etc.." This definition makes no distinction as to the QUALITY of what is inherited. For example, one characteristic that could be inherited is a naturally-curved spine, which would lead to back problem later in life if not corrected (expensively) with medical treatments at an early age. Or it could be a natural resistance to certain drugs, which could come in handy if those drugs cause nasty side effects. Similarly, one's culture generally has both strong and weak characteristics. Heritage can pass down strong survival skills, but they can also pass down counterproductive biases.

Most importantly, heritage only deals with the handing down of some quality, quantity or idea; it says nothing about what you should DO with that something once you get it. Each human who inherits that something adds to it, changes it, or takes something away from it, rather like a filter. Is the heritage you receive exactly as you would pass it to YOUR offspring?

It doesn't matter whether your ancestry is African, French, Chinese, Native America, Hindu, etc. We all have heritage of some form or another. What matters is that we improve upon that heritage; honoring the strong points, while eliminating the weak ones. We are not showing disrespect for our ancestors by refusing to embrace every aspect of our heritage without regard for whether or not all parts of that heritage are of the same quality. After all, what was a necessary survival skill in one time period (believing in a savior when one is oppressed can give real hope, albeit temporary, in order to muddle through the tough times if no other source of hope is available) maybe, in the present, oppressive in and of itself.

At the same time, our relatives may not see things that way. Mine don't. You can honor THEM by showing respect for their feelings and their beliefs, but it is not a show of respect on your part to allow them to get away with not showing respect for your feelings and beliefs. That is the line which needs to remain uncrossed. If they try to impose their beliefs upon you, whether through guilt, scripture, logical fallacies, arguments of heritage or anything else, you have the right to defend yourself. In doing so, you will become part of another aspect of your heritage: standing proud for your ideals against daunting, but not insurmountable, opposition. I hope my ramblings are of use to others. I certainly learned a lot in writing this.

Reply from the original author.  Received 6.25.2001

Thank you.  And I thank your wonderful readers as well. I have found everyone's opinions so helpful. Unfortunately, I've been working a lot lately so I don't have the time I wished for to send a well-written response to your incredibly well written reply. You reminded me that there is room for compromise even in my current situation. And you reminded me of how I became a nonbeliever. I'd almost begun to think that I was just rebelling against my family and, to some extent, my slave heritage. Your referral to The Wizard of Oz really struck a chord in me because I remembered the feeling of disappointment I got when I saw that the wizard was just a man when I was a child and I remembered that it was exactly the same way I felt when I realized the truth about God as an adult. I could say more about what I have and am learning from the responses but I can't say it well enough. So, thank you and your readers for making me feel less alone and for shedding some light on my situation.

I really enjoy your site. It has acted as a haven for me during my year in the Bible Belt. I hope your life is going well and that you and your family are happy.

Jocelyn (A nonbeliever caught in a heart's dilemma.)