2/18/00

The Crystal Snowball: SuperBrawl 2000

Well, SuperBrawl 2000 is this Sunday, and it's the first PPV where the matches were entirely set up by "Busch's B-----s." Can WCW actually put on an entertaining show? Or will it live up to their latest standards of excellence? Fortunately, I have seen the future, and behold what it brings...

Skins Match: Tank Abbott versus Big Al Yes, we start off the card with the reason EVERYONE is buying SuperBrawl, the giant skins match between these UFC juggernauts. The object is to get the leather jacket off the pole. However, we never figure out the winner, because the match lasts less than 9 seconds, and the whole time the camera was stuck on Miss Hancock dancing on the announce table as Tony Schiavone turns to Bon....oh, right. Family website. Sigh.

Screamin' Norman Smiley versus 3 Count The fans love Norman! He's one of the only reasons people payed to see this PPV! Everyone wants to see the Wiggle! So of course, Norman Smiley loses to 3 Count. Well, actually, Shane and Shannon never get to wrestle. Evan does all the work. And since thpse two have talent, they are given their releases directly following the match. Go figure that wacky WCW!

Brian Knobs versus Bam Bam Bigelow LET'S GET HARDCORE, AS ONLY WCW CAN DO IT!!! We have our usual hardcore weapons. The cookie sheets, giant Surge cans, and mops. So basically these two guys stand around and whack each other with those, selling ever so slightly, for five minutes. Finally, Fit Finlay runs in and knocks both men upside the head with his cast. Bam Bam retains the Hardcore Title via DQ.

Booker versus Big T: Ownership of Harlem Heat Booker comes down to the Leave It To Beaver Music. Big T comes down with Stevie Ray and J Biggs (hey, I finally remember his name!). This match is for ownership of Harlem Heat. Booker is what basically makes this match work, as Big T(ummy) has trouble working at a decent pace. During the course of the match (which Booker is, uh, booked to lose), Booker thinks back on his career. He thinks about how long he's been with WCW, how much he's given them, and how he's never got a main event push. He wonders why drunks like Scott Hall get World Title shots, how saggy boobmen like Ric Flair can still stay at the top of the company. And then the fan favorite Booker has a nervous breakdown. His mind snaps, and he whips out a hammer, beating down Big T, his brother, and J Biggs. Giggling like David Flair, he proclaims to the crowd that from now on he shall be known as Queso Es Bueno El Luchador. He then rips down the "starfield" backdrop and wears it as a dress. Big T wins via DQ.

Lash Leroux versus The Artist Formerly Known as Prince Iaukea: Crusierweight Title Tournament Final Lash Leroux jobs in a disgusting show of disrespect to WCW's internet fans in 0:24. Prince Iaukea is then congratulated by Kevin Sullivan (his good buddy), who asks TAFKAPI to come back to the booking office to "record his next hit." I should also note that Sullivan is dressed in some old West Hollywood Blonde gear. Whatever..

Billy Kidman versus Vampiro Hogan said that Kidman couldn't draw people at a flea market. So trying to "save this card from mediocrity, brudda," Hogan knocks Kidman over his head before he can come out and dresses up like him. Once Vampiro sees Hogan is in the ring, he decides to "take him out" for the good of the wrestling business and WCW in a shoot fight. However, Hogan has the almighty CREATIVE CONTROL (not the Harris Boys) and KOs Vampiro with one punch. Don't ask me how CREATIVE CONTROL can win so easily when Vampiro decided to make it a shoot fight....nothing in WCW makes sense anyway, right?

The Mamalukes versus David Flair and Crowbar: Sicilian Stretcher Match Since nobody knows what a Sicilian Stretcher Match is (not even the wrestlers, who look very confused during this entire thing), this match doesn't go over very well with the crowd. Big Vito, Johnny the Bull, and Crowbar DO get to wrestle a great match though. David Flair also shows more signs of improvement. It ends after Hogan pleads to Bill Busch to fire everyone involved (he doesn't like the fact that they're wrestling so close to his match and would upstage it). Tune into Raw Monday night to find out who wins the rematch.

Ric Flair versus Terry Funk Yes, it's time for the long awaited death match. Ric Flair looks very disturbing with his saggy skin, and Terry Funk shows his age as well. However, Funk and Flair somehow winds up being GOOD....until Flair hears the crowd cheer for him. Desperate to get over as a heel, he runs to ringside and grabs an elderly woman, brings her into the ring, and piledrives her into the canvas. The crowd just cheers more. So he races to ringside and grabs a toddler, brings him into the ring, and piledrives him off the TOP ROPE. The crowd just cheers even louder. Getting desperate now, Flair rips a Goldberg t-shirt from a kid in the crowd, brings it into the ring, and starts urinating on it while chanting anti-Goldberg slogans. The crowd's cheering is defining now. Depressed that he can't get over as a heel, Flair just drops to the mat and starts crying. Since it's death match rules, Flair loses as he stays on the ground for a ten count.

Hulk "The Orange Lazarus" Hogan versus "Ex-Lex" Luger Ugh. The Orange Lazarus comes out after The Total Package. Sting was supposed to reappear during this match, but Hogan was against it, saying "Well you know something brudda, Sting may be the man, but I am THE man, and tonight's the Hulksters night to shine, brudda, because the yellow and red flows through the Cow Palace, and Sting can wait until my ego is fed, brudda." Demanding this match go at least thirty minutes (to fit more posing in), James Brown and Roddy Piper also can't appear. It ends after Hogan's weak arsed leg drop. One, two, three. Your winner, and still selfish b---ard, THE HUCKSTER!

Special Main Event: The Demon versus The Wall

The match we've all been waiting for goes down like this: The Demon's, Dale Torberg's, casket won't open just like it wouldn't at the Thunder tapings, but as usual nobody in WCW is paying attention to the product, so it goes unnoticed. The Wall comes down and wrestles one on one with the casket, until his pointless push continues as he gets the pin. Kevin Sullivan then comes down and presents Wall-Mart with the Cruiserweight Title, the Tag Team Titles, the Hardcore Title, and the United States Title. Everyone loves the Wall!

Three Way Dance For The Heavyweight Title: Sid Vicious versus Jeff Jarrett versus "Last Call" Scott Hall Jeff Jarrett comes out first with those lovable doofs, the Harris Boyz, Boys, Brothers, Bros., Creative Control, Ron and Don, Patrick and Gereald, etc. Scott Hall is supposed to come out next, but then he gets "lost" in the backstage area in a drunken haze. Nobody can find him for 3 hours after Jarrett's entrance, which causes the fans in attendance to become irate. They go on a rampage, knocking over the bicycle racks holding them back. With flaming torches, they begin to burn the Cow Palace down. Jarrett and his Harris counterparts manage to escape outside before they are consumed by the chaos. As the flames reach the back, Scott Hall is sadly done in as his alcohol stained body practically explodes once he gets close to the fire. Kevin Nash trys to escape, but his electric wheelchair short circuits. He decides to give up on the sham and rips his fake cast off, trying to make it to the door in time. However, he realizes that running at a brisk pace is the most work he's done in months, so he has to slow down and take a breather. Our good friend Big Sexy is then barbequed. Meanwhile in the "Booking Control Room," Kevin Sullivan is wetting his pants. There appears to be no escape, when suddenly the brick wall is blown down from the outside. WHAT A SHOCKER! Disgruntled midcarders Shane Douglas and Chris Kanyon have come to rescue the booking team! They quickly grab Terry Taylor and Ed Ferrera, but as Sullivan races for the giant hole in the wall, Douglas kicks him in the groin and Kanyon breaks a champagne bottle over his head. Sullivan falls over into the flames as a horrified Bill Busch runs into the burning room to see his butt buddy go up in smoke. As Douglas and Kanyon look at Busch with a glint of revenge in their eyes, Busch races off down the burning corridors screaming in terror. The dynamic duo of disgruntlement leap into the building and chase Mr. Busch down the hallways, running on all fours like carniverous cats. Busch starts to cry as his legs begin to give out on him. Looking down for a brief moment, Billy-Bob runs head on into a familiar face who jumped out of nowhere....Sonny Oono! He and his band of suing bandits begin to pummel our friendly neighborhood Vice President into oblivion. The flames cause a section of the roof to cave in, and the debris falls on poor William, trapping him. Already weak from the descrimination lawsuit attackers, a bloodied Busch sees Vince Russo stand above the hole on the roof. With a sick sound in his voice, Russo yells, "Six months, huh? I'll give you six SECONDS to escape. One....two....three...." Suddenly Douglas and Kanyon use their teeth to rip out Busch's neck. "Whoops, that was only three," laughs a sadistic Russo. Oono's group, the disgruntled duo, and Russo all get a good chuckle, and escape the building as it collapses to the ground. Outside; Terry Taylor, Ed Ferrera, Vince Russo, Chris Kanyon, Shane Douglas, and the rest embrace. But out of nowhere leaps THE ORANGE LAZARUS! TOL starts babbling about how he is the man, how the young dudes can't draw any of the Hulkamaniacs away, etc., until a white hummer zooms down the street, accidently hitting TOL as its breaks screach on (TOL doesn't die...no, instead he just gets a dose of reality knocked into his pea brain). As TOL lies there knocked out, the hummer door opens and Eric Bischoff steps out. He glances down at Hogan, shrugs his shoulders, and then yells in triumph, "Turner gave me control of WCW again!!!" With Vince Russo, Ed Ferrera, and Terry Taylor on the new booking team, Eric Bischoff as President/Vice President again, and most of WCW's problems reduced to ashes, Bischoff and the boys whip out Scott Hall's beer stash and begin to party on the street. The Nitro Girls come out of nowhere to join them. Oh, and...Sid Vicious then slips on a banana peel, which enables Jarrett to get the pin. New Champ!

So I was a tad off with my Souled Out predictions....I'm dead on this time. Trust me.

Written By The Guy Who Misses Those Slidey Doors On Saturday Night, SirSlush2@aol.com

Slush's Archives
"We Gotta Get Out Of This Place, If It's The Last Thing We Ever Do..." (2/16/00)
Hello Apocalypse, What Took You So Long? (1/19/00)
The Crystal Snowball: Souled Out '00 (1/14/00)
4 Life Once Again (12/22/99)