You can always claim that you're sick, but be sure to name an illness about which no one would dare ask questions. Projectile vomiting is acceptable, but explosive diarrhoea is my personal favourite. That should end all discussion on the matter. If pushed, mumble something about "bad sausage", then say, "Uh oh, here it comes aga..."

If you decide to feign a personal injury, I recommend wearing a large bandage. Stuff an old T-shirt under it to simulate swelling, and moan constantly for effect. Make sure it's a believable injury. Falling in a meat mincer is too much if you only plan on being out for a day or two. Plus, strapping your arm to your side so your empty shirt sleeve can flap in the breeze will eventually become a big pain in the arse, possibly tear a rotator cuff, and ruin your golf swing.

What you really need is a story that will not only excuse tardiness but encourage your boss to give you the entire day off. With pay. How about this: "The sewer backed up into my house, the furniture is floating, and I can't find my wife." Who would expect you to work while your sofa is drifting away? It's just bizarre enough to possibly be true.