John Ashcroft is a changed man, and he wants you to know it. The controversial attorney general took his message to the Larry King Live show on Wednesday night, trying to dispell the notion that he is a racist, sexist and all around jerk. He also listed his top three priorities for the future.
"I want to stop gun violence, to reinvigorate the war on drugs, (and) to end discrimination wherever I find it," he told King. Ashcroft explained he found racial stereotypes "deplorable" and that he would begin fighting discrimination by employing more minorities at the Justice Department.
"I'll be hiring some chili-chokers, a few trustworthy negroes and probably some little asian bitch to do my laundry, serve me tea and walk on my back when I'm tense," he claimed proudly.
Ashcroft also mentioned he would begin the process of shutting down such websites as gwbush.com, The Madness of King George and johnashcroftsucks.com as they "poison young minds and sow the seeds of dissent in todays youth, teaching them a disrespect of the president and government officials." He further said that such websites were merely "filled with distortions and lies by supporters of that fag-loving pedophile Clinton."
The interview then led to the favorite Republican sport of Clinton-bashing. Ashcroft took the 42nd president to task for his last minute pardons, and in particular blamed Mr. Clinton for his past use of marijuana and its increased useage by young people.
"Children need to be taught that drug use of any kind is reprehensible, dangerous and worthy of capital punishment," he said, pouring himself a glass of bourbon and firing up a cigarette. "They need a good role model like President Bush."*
* If you're keeping track kids, remember that for the next four years: marijuana-bad, cocaine-good. Of course, if you really are a kid or teen please DON'T follow that line of reasoning, do drugs or adopt President Bush's lifestyle. Your daddy isn't a powerful politician, so he won't be able to keep you out of jail or avoid a criminal record. He also won't be able to help you steal an election, but that's another story...
