Bush says his defense plan "strikes a sensical balance between stupidity and craziness."
Despite the grumblings of international allies, President Bush is pushing ahead with plans for a controversial missile defense system. Meant to protect the United States from attacks by so-called "rogue states", critics believe it will instead spark a new arms race.
On May 1st Bush spoke at the National Defense University, claiming that the world is a different place than it was thirty years ago when the U.S. and Russia signed a treaty to reduce the number of nuclear weapons. The missile defense system would require the U.S. to break the treaty, but Bush says the time is right.
"Thirty or more years ago, the world was different than it is today," he told the assembled. "The Soviet Union and Cuba were against us and the world was on the brink of destruction. Not long after my daddy played his part in the assassination of JFK, I remembers him telling me we must constantly be vigilante against threats from abroad. Who that broad is, I have no idea, but she might still be out there somewhere. Wait, I didn't just say something about my daddy being involved in the Kennedy thing did I?"
Bush then went on to explain that the threat of attack from nations "who are not so nice as we is" means the missile defense system is a priority matter for his administration.
Although the idea of a missile defense system was toyed with during the Clinton administration, Bush said he has taken a long look at it and even decided to input his own ideas as to how such a system would work.
"At first I thought about installing big nets along our borders, and having them tied to the Moon, so that no missile could get above or around it. But then my advisors told me about this rotation thing that the Earth and Moon do so the net would end up strangling everyone like dolphins in a big tuna catch."
The president then claimed to have thought about "a big plastic bubble over the whole United States, or betters yet, a bubble made of rubber that would bounce the missiles back to where they came from."
Such measures, which may include coastal-based gigantic fans to blow missiles off course, would be just part of the system. At the heart would be the missiles that actually intercept incoming threats and destroy them. Bush admitted that ideally such missiles should be strategically based to ensure they destroy their targets before they even reach the United States.
When asked where such strategic locations might be, Bush declined to name specifics, but mentioned that "about fifty feet from the enemy missile silos would be just great. That might take a little diplomatic wrangling though."
Bush said he also has considered implementing a plan of "pre-emptive defense" where if the U.S. even suspected a nation might be plotting against it would "blows those suckers clean off the face of the earth, to keep the planet safe from those who would destroy others to protect their selfish interests."
