President Bush, accompanied by Director of Homeland Security Tom Ridge, taunts reporters "Hey, ya hears that? It's the death rattle of your precious freedoms."


Bush On The Defensive Offense


President Bush defended his national security plan against criticism on Wednesday. Civil libertarians claim his broad policy is going beyond what is needed in the war on terrorism.

The National Strategy for Homeland Security, a slick 90 page booklet delivered to Congress on Tuesday, contains many controversial suggestions for security. It also contains such statements as "the United States of America is an open, welcoming, pluralistic, diverse society that engages in dialogue, rather than the dogmatic enforcement of any one set of values or ideas. We seek to change these foolish notions."

Controversial Points of Plan:

Speaking before a gathering of the press, President Bush answered some of the charges.

  • Use of U.S. military forces during domestic civil disorder.

    "What can I say," Bush chuckled, "what good is being a dictator if you can't pee in the back forty, know what I mean? I'm going to bomb California into submission for previously harboring terrorist John Walker Lindh. Then it's on to Iraq!"

  • Securing the Internet from those who would spread propaganda.

    "Don't share my viewpoint and makes a web page about it? Then prepares for an early morning wakeup call from an elite taskforce," warned Bush. "We'll smoke webmasters outta their beds so they can watch us smash their computers, crush their snack foods and confiscate any caffinated beverages. Then they goes to jail for life, unless they lives in Texas in which case we'll just kills them on the spot."

  • Funneling information from all sources of defense, security and intelligence through the Department of Homeland Security, adding yet another layer of bureaucracy to an already ailing system.

    • "As the old saying goes - if it isn't fixed, don't break it. Besides, we knew in advance they were going to applejack some planes so it isn't like we didn't get intelligence information about it."

  • Allowing the President to shift money between departments without Congressional approval.

    • "It worked fine for President Reagan and President Daddy," Bush pouted, "so why can't I do it too?"

  • The creation of "Red Teams" that would launch mock assaults on important targets to simulate terrorist attacks.

    • "This is a new era," warned Bush, "and we must be prepared. Think of a large gathering of peoples, say the Democratic National Convention for the next election. Then bam! Our simulated terrorists blows up some bombs to create a lot of noise and panic. Democrats run in fear and trample other Democrats. Maybe the Democratic candidate is then held hostage in a dangerous situation where anything could happen. That would be a great learning experience for our agents."