President Bush spoke on Thursday, claiming he earned "capital" from the 59 million Americans that voted for him. "The American peoples has spoken, and they overwhelmingly says that I is the man they believes in." While Bush won with only 51 percent of the vote, he claimed it a major landslide of voter confidence since "I don't considers those who voted against me Americans anyways."

"I earned capital in the campaign, political capital, and now I intend to spend it," he said, "just like every other source of money I can get my hands on." The president promised to advance a broad agenda for the next four years, including:

Reforming the Intelligence Community
"There needs to be a betterer intelligence system in place," he said. "A president needs good intelligence to make good desicions, and most importantly he needs an intelligence community that gives him the information he wants to hear, whether it's acurate or not. And when they does fabricates such data, that they don't leaks it to the press later."

Protecting America
"Only by attacking countries that pose no threat to us can we keep them from becoming threats in the future," Bush claimed. "There's an old saying we have in Texas - 'I has not yet begun to fight' or something like that. The point is, when you take a look at one of them pieces of paper with all the countries on it you realize how many more places there are to spread democracy."

Tax Reform
"I envisionates a flat tax that will be fair to everyone," he crowed. "Everyone except the poor and middle class that is. Rich peoples is what makes this country great and I don't think we should have to pay taxes at all. If we could keep all our millions I'm sure there would be some jobs created. Of course, they would be as servants in our mansions, but it's better than scrubbing toilets. Actually, I guess you'd be scrubbing them in our mansions too, but at least the toilets is made out of gold."

Social Security Reform
"I couldn't touch this one last term because Karl said the old peoples would get mad and not reelect me," Bush stated "but now who gives a cuss. Besides, lettin' the young peoples invest their Social Security money in the stock market won't hurt the old peoples at all. Nope, it'll hurt middle-aged peoples who hasn't retired yet and never will be able to because all the money they paid into it will be long gone."

The transfer of Social Security money into private accounts is estimated to cost $1 to $2 trillion dollars, and would most likely be higher due to the notorious incompetence the federal government has for estimating the costs of projects. When asked how he expected to pay for such costs Bush stated that he'd simply "add it to the national debt. It's like a credit card for America, except it ain't got any limits on it."