MKG Blog

K I N G B L O G

11/04/04 - Well I is your President again. Not that I was planning on going anywheres. Heck, you might just say if it was lookin' like a Kerry landslide there might have been a horrible terrorist incidence in Boston. But I digest. Now is the time to reach out and help heals the hurtful divide that threatens my great country. The only way that can happen is if everyone does what I says. So those of you who voted for John Kerry, I ask you to joins me as I move us into the future. Actually, I ain't exactly asking, if you know what I mean...

10/28/04 - Whew, it's been a long time since I had a chance to get on the Internets and update my blog. This whole election thing has been taking up a lot of my time and keeping me from doin' the important stuff that a President does. Have you heard about this guy runnin' against me? This John Kerry character? Let me tell you this: he can run, but he can't hide! You can't win a war on terror, when you say it's the wrong war! There's other things I'd like to say but I gotta get going. Karl Rove wants me to memberize some nasty soundbites about Kerry that are hilarious and my brains already beginning to hurt from typin' so much stuff. Oh yeah, vote for me on Novembers 2nd. Or else.

12/17/03 – Well I told the world what I thunk the fate of Saddam should be, and I think they was surprised that I endorsed the death penalty. But then, I loved criminals getting executed when I was the ruler of Texas! They didn't even have to be guilty, just convicted!! So Saddam is an easy choice for ultimate justice, and we is just the peoples to give it to him. When them Iraqi folks convict him of his horrible crimes (and I knows they will), we'll ship him on over to Texas and kill him deader than a Democrat's chance of beating me in the next election!

12/13/03 – Yeehaw, we finally done it! We done captured Saddam Hussein today! Eat that, Demoncrats and all you liberal-type folks who said my war was a waste of time. Today we finally caught the mastermind behind September 11th, and a worldwide terrorist network. At last the peoples of the world can feel safe. Oh wait a second, I'm thinking of that other guy, bin Laden. Yeah, Hussein was the guy that tried to kill my dad. And he's got all that oil too. So Merry Christmas daddy, and also to all your friends at the Carlyse Group (especially the Saudi Arabian ones)!

06/09/03 – I'm really gettin' gosh danged mad at them folks in Congress. How dare they investigate me and my administration about this whole Iraq thing. Of course the whole damn thing was a lie, I thought they knew that! Why does it matter anyways? Does they really think the American peoples care if I lied to them so they would willingly send their sons and daughters into a hostile region to die for nothing? Of course not! After all, I'm the danged president, so they all has to do as I say! So there Congress!!!

05/07/03 – Sometimes I like to think back on the good old days when I was a drug-crazed youth in my late thirties. Like the time Jeb and I flew to Arkansa to pick up a load of cocaine that our daddy had paramilitary CIA contacts smuggle into the country. Now you have to understand, that illegal activities aren't illegal when your father is director of the CIA or in the White House. At least that's what he said, and he was Vice President of the whole America at that point. Which reminds me, I need to have the twins make a run to Miami for me and meet the Columbian...

05/06/03 – I gots to fly a jet last week, and it was cool! I'm starting to question why I need to simply ride in that boring old helicopter Marine Force One, when I could be zoomin' around the country in a fully armed attack jet!!! Heck, even one of them Blackhawk helicopters would be an improvement, as long as it was loaded to kill. Just for national security reasons and my protection, of course.

04/22/03 – I hates getting back to work after spending time at my ranch in Texas, the Lazy W. I even hates it more now that I have to start pushing my tax plan on the American peoples. It would be easy to do if it weren't for that danged Congress always getting involved. It would be so much easier if I could just spend as much money as I wanted for whatever I decided was best for America. But no, for some reason I have to always ask those evil-doers on the Hill. Who the heck gave them the power to control the money, that's what I'd like to know. Probably a bunch of losers who never considered the many good reasons a democratic dictatorship would have been a good idea. Or a monarchy for that matter.

04/16/03 – Dang, I can't believe how time is flying, it seems like only yesterday that Jeb was giving me a wink and a nudge and callin' me the next president. Now that Iraq is no longer a terrorist threat to the world, I can concentrate on those other terrorists - the Democrats! Election time is rolling around again and it's time to get busy. I can't end up like daddy, kickin' the crap out of Iraq and then forgetting about the domesticated issues. That means it's time for tax reliefs for the rich peoples, so that they will make more jobs. Some saynayers may claim the tax reliefs should go to the majority of Americans, the ones who actually are the consumer base. They says that if consumers spends more money, that in itself will create a demand for more jobs. And to those peoples I say, it's the economy, retard!

04/15/03 – It's amazing how many things you can learn from just takin' a page out of the Nazi handbook: Want to lie? Lie so big the peoples will believe it. Want to go to war? Say you're going to be attacked and call those who protest traitors. Now that Iraq is no more, it's time for a new enemy for America. All it will take is for me to say Saddam Hussein and Osama bin Laden are hiding out there and BAM it's go time! Or else I'll just mention 9/11 again and everyone will think our target had something to do with it, just like the fools believed Iraq was involved! Ha! Sometimes it's so dang easy to fool the peoples that it's almost criminal. Actually, I think it is criminal. Good thing I'm the ~~dictator~~ president!

04/10/03 – I was watchin' my tv box again yesterday, and they was covering Operation Iraqi Fiefdom. I saw a bunch of my soldiers shooting guns and blowin' stuff up, it was really cool! Then I saws them pull down a big statue of Saddam Hussein, bust it up and drag it through the streets. It was great! It seems that there are statues and pictures of Saddam throughout all of Baghdad and the rest of Iraq, which gots me to thinkin'- where are the statues and portraits of me? Why ain't I worshipped and commencerated on every street corner of America? I'm a much nicer dictator than Saddam ever was!! So I got out my trusty pen and wrote up another Executive Order to start production on statues of me in various poses, like wearin' a cowboy hat. Not only will it remind the American peoples who rules their country, but it will create some jobs for our sucky economy too.

04/09/03 – Me and Tony Blair was in Ireland today. That's the place where potatoes comes from. And even there peoples are asking if we are gonna run Iraq after we liberates it. I tolds them that Iraqis are gonna run Iraq after the war - not us and certainly not the traitorous UN. And it's not just gonna be any Iraqi, but one that friends of my daddy tell me is the right choice. See, you can't just have a native of Iraq running his own country! He could be a terrorist, a loyalist of Saddam, or a liberal Democrat!!! Then I'd have to go through this whole makin' up a war to depose a dictator thing again, and I've still got those other axles of evil to deal with. So really, a puppet regime is the best way to go. As long as I'm the puppet-master!

04/08/03 – I gots a phone call last night which waked me up from a deep sleep, it must've been about 9 o'clock or so. It was Rummy, and he wanted to let me know that the military had just completely destroyed a building in Iraq. "We may have just killed Saddam and his son," he tolds me. "Yeah, I've heards that before," I said back a bit grumpily. So then he tells me that they blowed this building up so good that there's no way to even tell if Saddam was in it! "Isn't that a bit much," I asked, after all I want to hang Saddam's body out in front of the White House for a week or so. But he told me it was necessary because, no matter what, a lot of innocent peoples were killed too, and we didn't want their bodies showing up on Al-Jazeera TV. "I like your style," I told him and headed back to bed. War ain't pretty, but it sure is easier to sleep knowin' the right peoples is workin' for you.

04/02/03 – I got so danged excited yesterday, because the phone rang in the Oval Office and it was Saddam Hussein! He said he wanted to apologize for being an evil, evil man and that he wanted me to make him a Christian! Well, I figured he was just lying again, but I pretended to agree - on the condition that he turn his country over to me. And he said yes!!! I couldn't believe it!!! But then there was some laughter and Dick came on the phone sayin' "April Fools Mr. President." Well, I got so danged mad I threw my chair through the window. So now I'm thinkin' about making Powell my V.P. - that ought to get me enough votes for my next term!

04/03/03 – Well it looks like my army is finally moving on to Baghdad. They still gots to destroy the Republican Guard, but that should be easy. I don't know why they is fightin' so danged hard for Saddam anyway. I mean, I'm the Republican, not Saddam!! It's non-sensical, they should be guardin' me!!! But I ain't worried, for my victory is assured. Soon my name will be known throughout the region as the Great Liberator. Statues and posters of me will dominate the lands and the grateful Arab peoples will begin naming their childrens George, after me. The streets will swarm with well-wishers, who will throw gold and jewels at my feet and sing me praises. At least that's what Dick and Rummy keep tellin' me.

03/28/03 – Gosh dang it but I'm so tired! I'm still trying to get my ten hours of sleep a night, but this danged war is messin' it up. And I can't take naps during the day anymore either because Dick, Condi, John, Don and Powell keep bringing it up all day long. It's like they have nothin' better to do. And then I can't even watch anything on the tv box without them bringing up the war either. They keep pre-emptivating my favorite shows with updates, it's so dang annoying!!! And what's the deal with Saddam, he's like Elvis all of a sudden - is he alive, is he dead? Dang it, I gotta get some sleep!!!

03/26/03 – Well today I'm meetin' with that Tony Blair fella, he's the prime minstrel of England. We're gonna meet out at Camp David and talk about this war thing. I know I just got back from Camp David on Sunday, but that's where I always meet Tony at. It's nice and quiet there and you can get a lot of work done. Okay, actually it's because I don't want him to know where I live at. I mean, he's a nice guy and all but he acts kind of fruity, if you know what I'm sayin'.

03/25/03 – Whoooeee, we're gettin' close now! Soon my forces will take Baghdad and rename it Bushdad. But gosh dang is it costin' us a bank load of money! I told Congress about 75 billion, but that ain't the half of it! It's way more than billions, it's projected beyond trillions. Heck, when I'm done they're gonna have to create a new word to describe how much money it costs. Since I'm so fond of "w" I'm thinkin' about callin' it a willion. I think that would be really cool. And they could print up a willion dollar bill with my face on it. It would sure beat being on a two-hundred dollar one, I'll tell you that much!

03/21/03 – It ain't for sure yet, but it looks like I done compassionated Saddam Hussein! I was so excited I couldn't resist callin' daddy about it. But he told me not to get my hopes up. "Junior," he saids to me, "there are more doubles of Saddam Hussein then there were assassins in Dallas back in '63. But I sure hope you're right." Still, I gots a good feelin' about this. So now I can relax and concentrate on the important issues the American peoples cares about. Like, who am I gonna attack next?

03/20/03 – Well, I done it - I gived the word and we started to bomb Iraq last night. It was just a little bit of bombin' cause I had to gets my sleep. But we're just gettin' started, believes you me. I ain't done killin' yet, not by a long shot. See, God made me President and gived me this incredible military to do as I please. And nothin' would please me more than to rule the whole world. But I'm doin' it out of love. So you see, I'm not assassinating Saddam, I'm compassionating him.

03/18/03 – I was talkin' on the tv box last night, and I think I did pretty good. I gived Saddam Hussein and his nasty kids two days to get the heck out of Dodge, but I don't think they will. Not that it really matters. I mean, I'll just plain kill them no matter where they goes. See, back in Texas they used to get a posse together and ride out after outlaws. So if Saddam and his boys does leave, I'll just order my posse to hunt them down and smoke 'em out. I hopes they goes to France, so we can carpet bomb them with our newest and biggest bombs! Or our newest and smallest nukes!! Either way, that'll show them Frenches!!! And, uh, Saddam of course.

03/13/03 – I like the letter W, it's a pretty darned good one. And I'm not just sayin' that because I'm the big Dubya. You see, lots of good word starts with it. Word such as "westerns", "wealthy" and "white peoples". But my favorite of all has gots to be "World War Three". It ain't wrong to start WWIII, as long as you is only blowin' up the evil peoples. And they is easy to identify, because they is the ones who disagree with me all the time. So I believe a dictator is okay, as long as they is compassionate. And me.

03/12/03 – Sometimes it seems like the whole world is against me. Well, actually, I guess it really is. Good thing I'm the ruler of America instead of those other sucky countries like France! My peoples have been hating them Frenches as much as Saddam and Osama these days. They is eatin' freedom fries, freedom toast and freedom vanilla ice cream, so who needs those Frenches anyway? We should start sendin' all their crap back to them too! First thing to go is that Statue of Liberty they gaves us. I know the peoples will prefer a giant Statue of Laura instead of that ugly old dyke.

03/11/03 – Gosh dang it, sometimes I gets so mad at Powell that I don't know whats to do. Like today when I said we should just blow up the U.N. with a bomb if they don't do what I want. Of course, Powell said we couldn't do that. And this was after John Ashcroft suggested we could just blame it on Iraqi terrorists that was funded by the Frenches!! It was a perfect idea!! But of course, Powell had to rain on that parade too. You'd think a guy who used to be in the military would be all for killin' and blowin' up stuff, but not Powell. Dang it!!!

03/07/03 – I gived a speech last night, it was really a good one. I said how dangerous Saddam was and kept tying him in with all the terrorists from 9/11. Of course, I knows he didn't have anything to do with that. If he did my Administration wouldn't be supressing all the evidence showing how guilty one of our so-called allies is. But the best part is the press really didn't question it, and they almost completely ignored North Korea. Sure North Korea has the ability to launch nuclear weapons at us or our allies, but who cares? No matter who gets the mushroom cloud, I'll still blame it on Saddam!!!

03/05/03 – Some peoples seems to think that I'm obsessiated with Saddam Hussein, as if thinking about killing someone on a daily basis for over ten years is a fixiation. So I would have to say they are wrong. And what's with these liberals anyway? They're such touchy-feely-huggy-fornicate-with-a-tree kind of folks. Does they really think that the world would be a better place if everyone got along and stopped killin' and hatin' each other? Even Jesus had his Golden Ruler which said "kill your enemy before he kills yourself," or something like that. And if Jesus is for killin' folks you can bets I is too!

03/04/03 – Wow, can you believes it - how quickly time passes? I was just thinkin' today that I've been President for over two years and here it is March of 2003 and I haven't killed Saddam Hussein yet. Of course it isn't from a lack of effort on my part. Dick keeps reminding me "Remember Mr. President, this has to appear to be motivated by something other than personal revenge." "Oh right," I saids, "like it's about terrorism instead!" Well we had a good laugh about that one. But seriously, sometimes God rewards you with something like September 11th so you can use the death of innocents to push a personal agenda. So I guess what I'm sayin' is, thanks God - I owes you one!

02/28/03 – I couldn’t sleep the other night, cause I had Saddam Hussein stuck in my noggin’ like a catchy song. After layin’ in bed for several hours I got up and called Dick. It musta been about 10 PM or so (that’s Dick for you, staying up all late into the night!). We talked for a bit about recessions being great for us rich folks cause we can buy stocks at lower prices while waiting for the good economic times that comes from Democrats. After a bit I got all sleepy-headed and moseyed off to bed. It’s great to be the President, but I do still miss all those naps and three hour work days I used to pull as Governor of Texas.

02/27/03 – Sometimes, when I’m here in the White House watching tapes of my days speeches, I gets cornfused as to what facts is real and which facts is made up. Like yesterday when I said we were invading Iraq so that Palestine would be a free state, or that time I said we bombed Afghanican to free the womens. I just had an impulse! I’m beginning to lie as good as Bill Clinton, and he is the master of all time - he even made Reagan look like an actor!!! Heck, I may never gets as good as the Gripper, but I’m already better than my daddy ever was, and he was in the CIA!!!

02/26/03 – I miss Dick, I wish he was around more. Sure we talk, but it just ain’t the same talkin’ over the speakersphone as lookin’ a man face to face. Me and Condi put a picture of him by the speaker, which was pretty funny. Rumsfeld said it reminded him of Charlie’s Angels which was also a hoot. But no matter how much I tell him to do it, Dick still won’t say “Hello Angels”, not even once! And I ordered him!!! Which I guess goes to show you that you can’t win every gunfight, even if you does have the mandate of Heaven.

02/25/03 - I got's him! I got's him now!!! I saw Saddam on my tv box and he told that robot reporter he wasn't gonna get rid of his illegal missles! And we don't have to try and scares the American peoples or bully the UN this time, because this time it's real! Hands Bics saw them himself!!! Oh this is the best day ever, looks like the extended forecast for Bagsdad calls for scattered carpet bombing followed by a 100% chance of Tommy Franks. Man I wish I could has a pretzel, but the gosh dang Secret Service won't let me have them anymore!

02/21/03 - Gosh dang it I'm so mad at those Frenches! Why does they want to ruin my war? I tolds them that I'd cut them in on some oil but their still acting all high falootin'. Gosh dang that Frenchy president Jack Checkers!!!! I asked my possee what they thought I should do and Dick said maybe we should make Jerry Lewis the ambassador to France. Everybody laughed a lot until I said "That's a great idea - Powell, get your ass out to Liberalfornia and sound him out on it." It takes a great leader to make bold decisions.