Buried Alive
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"Who Am I?"
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I write in order to reveal to you the nature of my Maddnezz; Why I fight & struggle against all odds, here on Texas’ Death Row, to maintain & sustain the life that others, who’ve never known me, have condemned & deamed unworthy to remain living upon this earth...a life that I hold precious: My own.
This exposition is not meant to make you comfortable. It is meant & articulated in design to provoke & inspire. It is intended to make its sole readers think & feel...to dream & aspire to inspire...to stand for something! That said, I caution my readers: Maddnezz, my own, does exist & being so, the disclosure of its origins could be unsafe for some minds to absorb. But, it is not as cut & dried as some would have you believe. The age-old dichotomy of good & evil, crazy & sane, black & white, is false. The causes behind my Maddnezz, without being mad, are stimulated by many things, circumstances, experiences, & events. For me to influence your ideas & beliefs so much so that my source is concealed, would be perceived as an ‘avant-garde’. But my source is not veiled from you...I reveal it for your reassurance & my very own reaffirmation...my source is life itself.
Because of my self-ethics & my refusal to dislodge them in the face of these “ZOMBY WOLVES”, so-called officers, who’s mentality is of a ‘herded cows’, programming & possess such an evil that is a human perversion of the territoriality & aggression built into their conscious by Texas’ twisted judicial & correctional system, are the basis & foundation for my Maddnezz. I was taught by my family & the streets, trained by the most efficient & effective branch of the U.S. military, the Marine Corps, that unharnessed aggression leads to war. Bush & his administration can be used as a prime example for this fact. Add to this the unmodified herd mentality of the “ZOMBY WOLVES”, all in one package, & this leads to an inquisition, which is where I & my comrades in struggle are at the present moment. So, while combating the evils of oppression, degradation, & exploitation of Texas’ tyrannical systems & its menions, should it be surprising why I fight for my life & rebel against all that they are for & propose, which is mainly, the extinction of my very being? Would you not fight for your own existence? To live with hope and dignity? Well, for me, to subsist without hope & dignity is to be “living dead”. The person I am, to even ponder upon such a thought, is an atrocity...a total stigma to my character. I go a bit further & dig deeper within myself as I allow my blind & faithful pen to spew my ceaseless thoughts & emotions across this sapless page. I have established for you the groundwork of why I fight. Now, I reveal the body of my Maddnezz. Me, being a man who is a gangsta, militant, radical, a warrior who is conscious & passionate about himself & life, who is conscious of his responsibilities in & to life, doing what he can & must to be responsible of those obligations, there is no separation in struggle & life. For how can you have one without the other? It’s like imagining peace on the earth without & there is no grief...& vice versa. You can’t. There must be an equalizer, a certain balance. That balance is my focus & my salvation.. which is myself...specifically, to be & stay T.R.U. to & with myself first & foremost..........T.-rust; because I must have a complete confidence of my own thoughts, decisions, & actions with the knowledge of the possible consequences of them. Once chosen, I must not be regretful of the choice made...& once acted upon, I must accept & deal with the results as I deam to be necessary. ..........R.-espect; I must be able to respect my thoughts, decisions & actions without contempt...clearly indicating that I do have my own sense of honor & morality...... ..........U.-nderstanding; I must be able to understand the pros & cons, the ‘whys’ behind my thoughts decisions, & actions. This is who I am, this man on Death Row whom refuses to allow a system to break & destroy him. My will & self-determination is the slogan of my very existence. How can I allow a system that is corrupt, biased, & racist bend me under it’s self-imposed merits? I cannot & I will not. I have much to offer this world & those within it. To be able to offer what I have, I must stay T.R.U. to myself, & in that alone, am I able to be true to others. In this, I not only look out for myself, but also your best interests. We have to look out for humanity. Self-determination for the preservation of human life to be lived with hope & dignity should be a universal slogan, which is the highest form of democracy. So I continue to fight as the man I am, strong, in strength & struggle.... I stand T.R.U. Finally, I bring you to the apex of why I fight & struggle. If not for my life nor my principles, then what else could there possibly be? I will try to describe her for you, though you must forgive me if my memory is a bit off...for it has been 8 years since I’ve last seen her...just 2 months short of her first birthday...(sigh)...
...Her name is Ti’Ahri,(pronounced-tee-ahh-ree).She just turned 9 years strong this past November. She’s the epitome of God’s grace in angelic divinity...she’s smart & has the most radiant smile you’d ever see & the bubbliest personality one would ever encounter...& she is my all & a hell of a lot more than I could ever describe with words. There isn’t a day that passes that she doesn’t enter my mind, replacing the surrounding darkness of death & the crimson of chaos with the pure gold of life’s essence & the serene blue of peace & sound mind...producing an aura of hope, sanity, & pride, which is all I need, it seems, for me to stand a little taller, my back becoming a bit straighter, my head a mite higher, & my steps a lot surer & firmer, much more determined to press on & keep going...fighting...because she is out there awaiting my return...awaiting her father’s return into her young life. And though I know the odds of my actual re-emergence into the world are shit to dust by being in Texas, I could never let her down by giving up...for, I feel that I’ve let her down enough & she has suffered too much by my absence already. So, if my death is to come at the hands of this state, it will be while I am fighting. She is my hope & I will not extinguish it with a lack of effort & broken will. She is my strength, pride, & joy. She is me...as I am a part of her. She is the ineffable reason why I must continue to fight& struggle for my life, & to live with hope & dignity...why I have something & someone to live for. Even when I die, as we all must in the end, I will fight on in spirit for her! To be able to hold my daughter within my arms, to be assured that I am alive, flesh & blood, not just an effervescent being, who has forgotten & lost touch with how to respond to such a tender & precious flame of warmth & light...that I helped produce. I know that she feels everything I feel & more, & that my situation is very emotional & stressful & withering on her, also & that I do not endure this experience alone......which is why I must be strong for her as well as myself. It is not easy to keep all of these thoughts in my mind at once, but the words upon these pages are intended to set them out & apart visually hand in hand in skeletal form, in the faith that the first step to understanding my Maddnezz is to study them together...though their significance may or may not be a matter of argument to some. I give you hints of what they may mean, still I warn you not to embark upon interpretations beyond those you are given for fear of landing yourselves in a long debate. (smile) To keep it simple...why is it I fight? Because I long, I hurt, I cry.......but most of all, because I LOVE...continuously. What is love to me if I will not fight for what I love? Exactly!!.......A man who will not fight or die for something is not fit to live. Period................MADDNEZZ!!!
I AM A MAN ! ! !
All Of Me…… *Casper*