Dougs Favorite Jokes

Cold Fart
Hungrey Monkey
Great Gifts
The Patch
Sherlock Holmes
Bad Memory
Little Johnny On The Banister Rail
Girls Night Out
Lumberjack

Cold Fart

There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who indeed had the coldest igloo. They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. "Not bad", said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.

So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!" said the first Eskimo.

But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it.

When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".

Hungry Monkey

A man walks into a bar with a monkey he had just bought at the pet store. He sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The monkey jumps down off his shoulder and runs over to the pool table and ate the cue-ball.
The bartender said "Your monkey just ate the cue-ball!!! GET OUT NOW!!" the man left.
Two months later the same man comes back with the monkey on a leash. The monkey jumps off his shoulder and grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out then eats it"
The bartender said " Did your monkey just shove a peanut up his ass then eat it?"
The man says "Yeah ever since the cue-ball incident he checks everything for size"

Great Gifts

Three sons of a Yiddish Mama left their homeland, went abroad and
prospered. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old
mother.

AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."

MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading
the bible. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable parrot
that recites the whole bible. Mama just has to name the chapter and
verse."

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.

AVRAHAM, she said, the house you built is so huge. I live only in one
room, but I have to clean the whole house.

MOISHE, she said, I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at
home so I rarely use the Mercedes and that driver has shpilkas -- he's a
pain in the tuchas.

DAVID, the chicken was delicious

The Patch

Two drunks are driving down the highway, drinking their beer. All of a sudden the driver notices lights flashing in his mirror; the cops are on his tail.

His buddy says, "What are we going to do?" The driver says, "Don't worry. Just do exactly what I tell you and everything will work out perfectly.

First, peel the labels off our beer bottles and we'll each stick one on our forehead. Then shove the bottles underneath the seat, and let me do the talking."

They pull over and the cop walks up to the car. He looks at them kind of funny, but asks to see the guy's driver's license. And he asks him, "Have you been drinking?"

"Oh, no, sir," the driver replies.

"I noticed you weaving back and forth across the highway. Are you *sure* you haven't been drinking?" the cop asks.

"Oh, no, sir," the drunk answers. "We haven't had a thing to drink tonight."

"Well, I've got to ask you," says the cop, "What on earth are those things on your forehead?"

"That's easy, Officer," says the drunk. "You see, we're both alcoholics, and we're on the Patch!

Sherlock Holmes

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" says Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we're small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some scoundrel has stolen our tent."

Bad Memory

An 80-year-old-couple are having problems remembering things, so they decide to see their doctor to find out if anything is wrong with them. They see the doctor and tell him about the memory problems they've been having. After a check-up, the doctor tells them that they are physically fine but might want to start writing things down to help them remember things. They thank the doctor and leave.

Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Where are you going?" asks his wife. "To the kitchen," he replies. "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" she asks. "Sure," he says. She says, "Maybe you should write it down so you'll remember." "I'll remember," he says "Well, I would also like some strawberries on top," she says. "You had better write that down cause I know you'll forget." "I can remember that," he says, as he begins to loose his patience. "You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I would also like whip cream on top," she adds, "I know you will forget that so you better write it down." Hopping mad he says, "I don't need to write that down! I will remember just fine." He fumes into the kitchen to get the food.

After about 20 minutes he returns from the kitchen and hands her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says, "You forgot my toast."

Little Johnny On The Banister Rail

Little Johnny and his neighbor, Suzy, are playing in the hone day, when Johnny gets this great idea. "Let's take turns sliding down the banister rail!" he suggests.

"Oh no," answers Suzy, "That's way too scary!"

"No, it's not. It'll be fun!" says little Johnny as he proceeds to the top of the stairs. The banister rail is long and very smooth, with a large, beautiful, marble ball at its base. Johnny climbs on and down he goes, squealing with excitement as he goes. He jumps off just before he gets to the bottom of the rail and the marble ball.

"That was great," he screams. "Come on, Suzy, you try now."

Suzy still isn't quite sure that this is such a good idea. "No," she says, "it looks too scary."

"No, it's not!" exclaims little Johnny, and away he goes again to the top of the stairs. He climbs onto the rail, and down he goes again, having just as much fun as he did the first time. Again jumps off just before he gets to the bottom of the rail and the marble ball.

Finally, after much persuasion, Suzy agrees to give it a try. She climbs to the top of the stairs, then straddles the rail, and slowly lets go with her hands. Down she goes, a lot faster than she expected. right into the marble ball below. Suzy starts to cry and almost falls off the banister rail.

Little Johnny notices that Suzy is crying and holding her private parts in shear agony. "Maybe you'd better let me see," he suggests.

Suzy lifts her little dress and pulls down her panties.

Suddenly, little Johnny's face goes pale white. "Oh, no!" he shouts. "This is horrible. you knocked *it* right off!"

Girls Night Out

So ... the other day, my friends and I went to this "Ladies Night Club." One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill. The "dancer" came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and put it on his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill and puts it on his other butt cheek.

Still attempting to impress the rest of us, my other friend pulls outa $50 bill. She calls the guy back over again, licks the $50 bill and again puts it on one of his butt cheeks. Now the attention is focused on me.

What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet, thought for a minute ... and then the financial analyst in me took over. I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the $80 bucks and went home.

Lumberjack

A large, well established, lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe and knocked on the head lumberjack's door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," begged the skinny man. "Okay, see that giant redwood over there? Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and five minutes later he returned to tell the head lumberjack that he had successfully cut the tree down. The head lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?" he asked the little man.

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the little man. "You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack. The little man grinned and replied, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!

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