Sex Jokes

Pooh Girl
Caught Masturebating
Wet Fart
Huge Log
Airplane Toilets
Licking Off Whipcream
Dirty Underwear
The Long Ride Home
Swimming Lessons

Pooh Girl

I have always had a serious gastric problem, so whenever I absolutely couldn't hold it, I would try and make a joke, like the old "pull my finger" trick, so as to divert the embarrassment.

One day after a shower, with just a towel on, I went into my room to get dressed. My boyfriend was in the room as I dropped my towel and felt a fart coming on. While hiking up my leg to flatulate I said, "This is how much I love you" at the same time I dropped a big ol' crap on the floor.

At that moment, we just stared in horror and disbelief with our jaws agape! I absolutely could not, in the farthest reaches of my brain, believe I had just dropped a load on the floor in front of my boyfriend!!I screamed, "Don't look at it!" and jumped into bed and hid under the covers.

I just wanted to evaporate into thin air!! Hence, I aquired the name Pooh Girl

Caught Maturebating

I'm female 25 years old. My most embarrassing situation happened a few years ago when I was in college. My roomie had gone away for the weekend and I was alone. One evening, after drinking a little wine at a party I came back to my room and decided to masturbate. I locked my door, stripped naked, put on my earphones (blasting) and went to it with a vibrator!

What I didn't know was that my roomie thought I was also going to be gone for the weekend, and gave her key to a friend in case the friend "got lucky". I was in the middle of my "work-out", my headset blasting, my eyes squeezed shut, when the door opened and a girl and a guy walked in!

They stood, frozen in shock while I lay writhing on the bed. I didn't hear or see them! After what could only have been a few seconds, something made me open my eyes! I almost had a heart attack! They mumbled an apology and ran out! I seriously considered a transfer.

Wet Fart

The most embarrasing moment of my life happened when I was in the ninth grade. We were all in health class and everyone was just sitting around quietly or sitting with their head down on the desk, because it was the end of the year and we were all relaxing.

Everything was quiet when I bent over because I had dropped the pencil I was doodling with. I didn't even feel it coming... the loudest boom wave ever heard. My nightmare: I farted in my classroom in front of everyone.

All of a sudden everyone was looking in my direction. They still didn't know exactly where it came from, and I was hoping they wouldn't ever find out. I had to think quick, so I blamed it on the girl next to me. Everyone believed me, until the moment when I thought I would die.

First I was laughing with everyone else. But as soon as I did, an even louder fart came out and again I didn't even feel it coming. And all of a sudden I felt a pain... it was diarrhea.

Luckily no one heard that one with all the laughing going on, but I got up to go to the trashcan and everyone started laughing at me. When I had farted not just gas had come out, and now it was all over the back of my white shorts.

"A big doodoo spot!" this boy kept shouting out, pointing at me. This boy just kept saying "Ooh, gross! She has shit on the back of her shorts!"

Boy was I glad it was the end of the year. I guess God punished me for lying on the girl next to me

Huge Log

One night at my best friend's house, right before her 16th birthday party, her family and I were sitting down eating a nice dinner that included beans. After dinner my best friend and I were laughing and talking about how the beans were probably going to affect us later that night.

Hours later the party started and everything was going great. My best friend had invited all the hottest guys in school, including the one I had a crush on at the time. Just as we had said, the beans surprisingly did hit me.

While running to tell my best friend about my situation, I felt the farts coming on strongly. As I told her, she laughed and told me to use the guest bathroom downstairs.

When I finally made it to the restroom, I sat down in relief. I took my time assuming that no one knew I was in there. I completed my dirty job and flushed the toilet. I noticed that one of my logs was extremly long and was clogging the toilet.

The water in the toilet was rising and I was getting scared. I ran out of the bathroom to get my best friend, but as I opened the door my crush was standing right there! I came to find out that he had overheard me asking my friend what restroom to use and he had followed me so he could use it aswell.

We met eye to eye and he asked me why I was in such a hurry. By that time I was red as the punch that was being served, and knew that my vicious odor was OUT!!! Neither of us said anything for a few seconds, then he quickly suggested that he would go get my friend.

As soon as he turned the corner, I ran to my car and left the party, HUMILIATED.

Later the next day I called my best friend and explained the story. She laughed about it and told me that a couple of guys, including my crush, had stayed after the party to help fix the clogged toilet.

Airplane Toilets

I am a very tall man (6'10").

I was once on a flight from Auckland, New Zealand to a small town way down on the extreme souther tip of the South Island called Invercargill.

The plane I was flying in was very old propellar driven thing, I think it was a C47 Goonie Bird.

The toilet was certainly not designed for a guy my size because the bowl was against the far wall, but the ceiling curved backwards. I found myself leaning way back like I was doing the limbo and trying to urinate at the same time.

Being a propellar driven plane, we hit a bit of turbulance. Because I was leaning backwards so much, put my left hand behind me to brace myself against the door and continued to urinate.

My left hand accidentally hit the door latch and I fell backwards into the aisle and every passenger turned around to see me laying in the aisle with my penis in my hand and I could not stop urinating for the life of me.

I got back into the toilet and composed myself. After another 10 minutes, i returned to my seat and everyone started to applaud.

One old man thanked me for the funiest sight he had seen in all of his life.

I have never returned to New Zealand since

Licking Off Whipcream

My boyfriend and I were hanging out at his house one night, celebrating our 2 month anniversary. We had a nice dinner, and after that we were just relaxing on his couch and getting comfy.

Things started to heat up, and before you knew it, we were both naked and on the floor. There was a can of whip cream on the table and he suggested we have some fun with it. He sprayed me with the stuff and was just about to lick it of when his huge dog came running in.

He jumped on me and knocked my boyfriend over and started licking the whip cream off of me! Suddenly as if things werent bad enough, we heard my boyfriends parents' car pulling up in the garage. My boyfriend threw his
boxers on, and right after that, his parents walked in on us!

It must have looked so bad, it looked like i was recieving oral sex from the dog! It was a pretty bad situation, but I t out of there right after that. Fom that day I have never been able to look his parents in the eye

Dirty Underwear

I was nursing a nasty stomach bug when the guy I had wanted to date for a very long time asked me out. I decided to go ahead and go out with him even though I had been sick.

The big date came and I was feeling a lot better, though I still had some gas and whatnot. We went out to a nice restaurant and had a wonderful dinner. Then we went back to his place.

Everything was going splendidly. We were watching TV and fooling around when he got up to go pour us a glass of wine. I had been feeling a strong urge to pass wind since dinner and I figured that now would be a prime opportunity.

So I let her rip but something else besides the fart came out. I felt a wet sensation in my pants and I knew immediately that I has shit my pants. I ran to the bathroom and took off my panties. I washed them with soap and water and buried my soiled underwear in the bottom of the trashcan underneath some papers.

I returned to the living room, where my date was waiting with glasses of wine. We started fooling around some more and just when things were getting heavy, his Yorkie, Sam, jumped right on top of us.

We both smelled a foul odor and I looked up to find Sam had something in his mouth. Yup! You guessed it. It was my dirty undies! Mortified, I grabbed my purse, ran out the door, ran three blocks from his house and called a cab to pick me up.

The Long Ride Home

A couple years ago, I was suffering from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, brought on by stress. I've since gotten over it and learned to deal with stress a lot better, but at the time, I was having very bad intestinal spasms several times a day. That meant rushing to the bathroom on a moment's notice and occasionally not getting there in time. I found this very disturbing, particularly when it happened in public.

Like the time I was coming home from work. It was Friday, summer time, so I got out of work at 1:00 PM and was taking the train home. Lucky for me, and other passengers, it was an old style diesel train with alcoves between the cars that were open to the outside. As I sat inside the car, I felt a wave of spasms coming on. This meant I head about a minute to get to the restroom aboard the train. Only one or two cars on each train had them, so I started to walk forward one, two, three cars.

When I got to the first car and saw there was no bathroom there either, I walked back, knowing I was on borrowed time. Up to now, the spasms had been coming in slow waves, each more intense than the last. When I turned and began walking back, I felt the spasms turn into a slow steady squeeze, which I knew would continue to build until I released the pressure.

So I kept on walking, the pressure in my bowels building as I walked. I had to get back to my car and keep walking the other direction. At some point I knew I wasn't going to make it to the next restroom. I was still thirty minutes or more from home. I guess once you realize you are definitely going to shit in your clothes, your body knows not to expend the effort to contain it. I had just entered my car, and was only a few steps from the door, so I turned back toward the exit so at least I'd be in the alcove in the open air when I lost it. I turned and bumped right into the conductor, who needed to check my ticket! I handed him my ticket and as he handed it back, I released the entire load into my pants.

I don't think he noticed. I just bolted through the door into the alcove and stood their for the remainder of the trip with diarrhea seeping down my legs and into my shoes

Swimming Lessons

Today was the most embarrassing day of my life!

I am a lifeguard, and I also teach swimming lessons. Today was the first day of the new class session, and all the parents of the children in the class get to come and watch on the first day, to get aquainted with the instructors, and learn the rules.

After finishing one lesson, I got out of the pool quickly to speak to the parents of the children in the following class. I was standing in front of them, telling them how important it is to have their child use the bathroom before they come to class, when one of the other teachers looks over at me and whispers, "hey I think your bleeding!"

I look down, and yes, there is a huge puddle of thick red blood at my feet, all the parents just looked at me. I finished speaking, quickly went to the bathroom changed my tampon, and returned to the pool, I still had to get in and teach the lesson, with the puddle of blood still on the ground for everyone to see!

After the lesson I cleaned it up.

What a day

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