What To Tell A Telemarketer

If humor seems like your best defense against harassment of telemarketer's phone calls at dinner time, try some of these lines listed below. Of course, to be effective in reducing their calls, you should always end the conversation with "Please put me on your do-not-call list". If you have other techniques for tormenting telemarketers, please send them to me for consideration to add to this list. Thanks! Edith

• I'm busy right now. Please give me your home phone number and I'll return your call at my convenience.
• This is a bad time. Can you call me back when I'm not at home.
• If the telemarketer asks if you're the lady/man of the house, answer with "No, but she/he's supposed to be back soon and I've gotta get out of here".
• If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
• If they ask you personal questions, ask them personal questions.
• If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your "problems."
• If they want to sell you a newspaper, tell them you can't read.
• If they want to wash your windows, tell them your house doesn't have windows.
• If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
• Tell them you don't do business with strangers who are rude enough to call you.
• Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "WOW! Is that you? How have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give the telemarketer a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
• Say "no", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
• If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
• If they clean rugs: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?" Alternate: "Sorry, my floor is made of stone."
• If they paint: "Can you cover up blood?" Alternate: "Do you paint tents?"
• Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "uh-huh", "rilly" or "how fascinating". Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you couldn't just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.
• Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example:
  Telemarketer: "This is Bill from WaterTronics."
  You: "WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"
  Telemarketer: "Uh...Nashville, Tennessee."
  You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?!?"
  Telemarketer: "Sorry, we can't sell to employees."
  You: "Oh, okay. Bye!"

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