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(AKA cliches, bad jokes, or just plain nonsense)
Click on the links to go to a certain episode's bad quotes.
[Designate This] [Bag 'Em] [Proof of Purchase]
[Radar Love] [Boo] [Two] [Some Assembly Required]
[Gill Girl] [Medium is the Message] [Brainiac]
[The Berrisford Agenda] [Borrowed Time] [Harbor Lights]
[Love In Vein] [Fuhgeddaboudit] [Exposure]
[Hello, Goodbye] [Dawg Day Afternoon] [She Ain't Heavy]
[Love Among the Runes] [Freak Nation]
McGINNIS: I hardly laid an eye on the guy. My depth perception’s all shot. Besides, all you white boys, you know, you all look alike to me.
X5-494: Alec?
MAX: As in “smart aleck.”
X5-494: I can live with that.
MAX: Good. ‘Cause my second choice was Dick.
MAX (to the soldier who shot Renfro): I won’t tell if you won’t.
MALE: But we are soldiers.
MAX (getting in his face): You mouthing off to me? 'Cause I have zero tolerance for that. Zero! And to commemorate this special moment, that's gonna be your name - Zero.
WHITE: Are you familiar with the term "junk DNA?"
MAX: Layman's terms for base pairs that don't contain viable genetic information. Doesn't do much more than fill space. Kind of like that gray, squishy thing in between your ears.
LOGAN: Looks pretty dangerous.
MAX: He's not. Don't judge him because of the way he looks.
ASHA: I put my foot so far down my mouth, I got teeth marks on my knee.
INTERROGATOR: Tell me what I want to know, or this is going to get ugly.
MAX: Sounds like you guys got a situation. Who the bad guys looking to whack this time?
LOGAN: Not sure yet. But you can bet it's one of the good guys.
RAFER'S MOM: You are running from something. Running from your past.
MAX: I was gawky in high school.
MAX: How big's your package?
SALLY: Let's just say I don't get any complaints.
MAX: Now just hold the phone!
MAX: If by "friend" you mean someone who'd just as soon drop an anvil on you, then welcome.
ALEC: You don't mean that.
MAX: Find me an anvil and watch me go.
SKETCHY: I made a promise.
MAX: I promise you if you don't tell me in five seconds, I'm gonna introduce your face to your colon.
ZACK: We abandoned our mission.
MAX: We got a new mission. It's called getting a life.
MAX: That's a risk I'm willing to take. Help me with this, Logan. I want this story to have a happy ending.
ALEC: What are you doing?
MAX: I'm going for the Disney version.
LOGAN: She doesn’t know what he does.
MAX: What, she doesn’t see the blood on his shirts when she does the laundry?
LOGAN: We dropped a pretty big bomb over there today.
MAX (to Brain): Well, you must have been expecting someone, or did you think you could really slip through those bars?
BRAIN: Well, I thought you were supposed to be strong!
MAX: I'm not Superwoman!
MAX: You're moving in?
ALEC: Well, Max, it's not like he needs the place anymore.
ORIGINAL CINDY: Upset? That boy's so spun his head's gonna fly off.
RACHEL: Um, the bathroom's down the other hallway.
ALEC: Right. Right. Well, I can't help it. You've got me all turned around.
ALEC: I just wanna play it. It's just like a guitar, you know? It's beautiful. (regarding his pool cue)
ORIGINAL CINDY: Silly boys playing with their sticks and balls. I may vomit.
JUNKYARD OWNER: Good boy, Chopper. Way to stand guard. … Stay, Copper, stay.
IRVING: Somebody kill me. (and promptly gets slimes by the gossamer)
LOGAN: So how long were you and Alec stuck in the closet?
MAX: About an hour. He was yapping the entire time.
LOGAN: He's a yapper. Yeah, stuck in the closet with Alec--you're pretty much describing my worst nightmare.
ALEC: When you've been dead a hundred years, little girl, you have only just begun to be dead.
DR. GEORGE: I’m taking you to CDC headquarters. Gonna see if we can’t figure out the mystery of Linda Eastman. Hey, don’t look so down. Atlanta’s very beautiful this time of year.
COP: Sorry, ma’am, but we’re under strict orders to keep you in the confines of this facility.
MAX: How strict?
MAX: Since you got love at the classiest club in town, tonight we're gonna party like it's 2099.
GUY ON BAR: Oh, hey there, creature of the night. I want you. I want you. Oh, I want you. I want--hell, I want all of you. Concubinage.
MAX: Let's skip the Manticore handshake and cut to the chase. You and your playmates have been naughty little transgenics, not to mention stupid. Maybe I should just bend you over my knee.
SECOND MAN: Yeah, see, local businessmen pay us a fee, and we send our crews out to take the trash off the streets.
MAX: Wow. There's, like, so much trash on the streets.
SPARACINO: Good, because I need a sure thing right about now. What's this about this Eyes guy going on TV, saying my men disrespect me? It's like a knife in the heart.
SPARACINO: You better be, because if your boy doesn't come through, you two are gonna end up at opposite end zones. Capisce?
(^ Groan-inducing stereotypical mafia lines ... yes, I know it's supposed to be a parody, but still.)
MAX: Sorry I spoiled the party.
PRIESTESS: You will be sorry...soon enough.
MAX: Made you look.
MAX: Sweet dreams, bitch.
ANNIE: Your English is very good.
JOSHUA: Merci beaucoup.
ALEC: It was the teeth thing, wasn't it? I mean, come on, I can hardly stand going to the dentist.
ALEC: This is gonna hurt, isn’t it?
MAX: Lasers tend to, yeah.
(X5-453 lights up a cigarette.)
MAX: I'm gonna tell Mom and Dad.
MAX (to 453): I thought I was a bitch, but you take the prize.
THIRD TRANSGENIC: X-5, huh? Not our problem.
ALEC (pointing to White): Yeah, well, you see that guy right there? He's in charge of hunting you down, so I suggest you make it your problem.
MAX: Ready?
ALEC: I'm always ready.
BIGGS: Funny...that's what Lola said.
MAX: For some reason, they want me dead in a big way, and I've got a bad feeling they're not going to give up until they get what they want.
ORIGINAL CINDY: It's a hat.
SKETCHY: Yeah, with a fully rotational brim, so you can always represent.
ORIGINAL CINDY: Yeah, represent your massive stupidity.
MAX (lands the hoverdrone in Jam Pony): Hey. Who ordered a pizza?
WHITE: I draw your attention to the part where I'm given overriding jurisdiction. You screwed up, Lieutenant.
CLEMENTE: Yeah, when I voted for this nimrod.