Y'all act like you never seen a green tractor before
Jaws all on the floor like Pam¹ and Doofy² just burst in the door
Crew started laughing their asses of worse than before
They'd just heard of her, now it hurts just to lookit her (ah)
It's the return of the...oh wait, no wait, you're kidding
He didn't just say what I think he did, did he?
And Doofy said...nothing you idiots
Doofy's dead, he's decapitated³ (haha)
Feminist women love that Jim Chicka chicka chicka
Jim Suave, I'm lovin' 'im; look at him
Walking around, mowing the you-know-what, talking to you-know-who
Yeah, but he's so fun though
Yeah, Muntz⁴ probably got a couple of screws up in his head loose
Way worse than what's going on in the clubhouse coffee rooms
Sometimes Jim wants to get on his tractor and let loose but can't
But it's cool for Ted⁵ to have the slowest caboose
My bum is on the seat, my bum is on the seat
And if I'm lucky you might just hit the ball in front of me
That's the message we're sending to golfers and their kids
We expect them not to know what an articulator⁶ is
Of course they're gonna know what debonair is 
By the time they hit the fourth green, they got sight of Jim on his mowing machine, haven't they? 
We ain't nothing but the crew
Well, some of us cooler than the others (like the pro shop kids)
But if men can drive tractors and mow the greens
Then there's no reason that a woman and another can't do the tees⁷ 
But if you feel like we feel, Yeah we got the antidote
Golfers swing your clubs, sing the chorus, and it goes:

I'm Jim Suave, yes, I'm the Real Suave
All you other Jim Suavies are just imitating
So won't the Real Jim Suave please sit down, please sit down, please sit down
'Cuz I'm Jim Suave, yes, I'm the Real Suave
All you other Jim Suavies are just imitating
So won't the Real Jim Suave please sit down, please sit down, please sit down

The boys don't gotta hafta rake traps to be broken
Well, we had to, do F*** them and F*** you too
You think we give a damn about Michael⁸?
Most the crew can't even stomach him, let alone stand him
But Jim, what if you quit? Wouldn't that be weird? 
Then we'd have to lie to get you here
And sit you next to the women here (we're butch⁹)
Grandpa Llooyd¹⁰ had better switch me chairs 
So I can sit next to FancyPants¹¹ and The Puck¹²
And hear'em argue over who gots the better F***
Mike Jr.¹³ just put us on blast at the first tee
Yeah, he's not cute but we think he's rich (tee hee)
We should download some more mp3's and make a new song about Pam and Doofy
We're sick of all you little proshop boy groups, all you do is annoy us
So Jim has been sent here to destroy you
And there's a million golf balls by 15 tee
And by #4 tee and I don't' care who sees
So just let me be with my big JD
When they hear the tractor coming the golfers flee

Chorus

I'm like a head trip to listen to, cuz I'm only giving you things you joke about with your friends inside your living room
The only difference is I got the balls to say it in front of y'all and I don't gotta false and sugarcoated at all
I just get in the lunchroom and spit it
And whether you like to admit it I could hit it
Better than 90% of you golfers out there
We wonder how last summer was all about cows...
It's funny, cuz at the rate I'm going when I'm 80
I'll be the only person in the nursing home bragging (whistle)
About the size of my tractor and how good it's working
The bells and whistles are still working so I'm flirting
And every single person is a Jim Suave lurking
He could be working at the waterpark, spitting in your nachoes¹⁴
Or in the gravel lot, circling, screaming I don't give a F*** with his windows and his system up
So would the Real Jim Suave please sit down
And put that thumb on each hand up
And be proud to be outta your mind and outta control
And one more time, loud as you can, how's it go?

Chorus to fade