Barbies, Barbies and More Barbies

When I was a little kid, I collected MASK vehicles, Transformers (You remember those? There was a giant bug that changes into the Empire State Building), the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but mostly baseball cards. I didn’t put them in my bike spokes, or anything. I just kept them in those plastic holders in a binder. Actually, 7 binders. I have a ton of ‘em.

My sister would always go around, though, and say "You know, my brother has 4000 baseball cars," or "He has the entire set of Turtles." I could never do that. What could I say, "My sister has 86 My Little Ponies," or "Uh, my sister has 142 Barbie dolls." I couldn’t say anything.

My sister, though, literally had about 150 Barbie dolls. She had every single one, I think. They made so many of those; it’s stupid. They made one for every possible thing that she could do. There was 7-Eleven Barbie, complete with Slurpie and the wrong amount of change. There was Olympic Barbie, with a gold metal and legs that could move in 360°. There was Kindergarten Barbie, and I never figured out if she was the teacher, or a student.

Then, the Mattel company thought that they weren’t making enough money, so they duplicated every single one, only with different skin and/or hair color. Then they made the Ken doll, and made all of his ethnic diversity. Next, they came out with Skipper, Barbie’s kid sister. The only problem is, that when Skipper was "born," she was already 7 years old. Finally, they made Kelly, Barbie’s other kid sister.

Now, I don’t get this. First, Barbie and Ken have been awhile, and instead of Barbie getting pregnant, her parents are. It’s as if the family tree got cut off and moved back a generation. And there is another thing. If Barbie came out in the 40’s, what with getting new sisters. First of all, her parents have got to be it at least their late 70’s and still having children. I am surprised that one of them has not had a heart attack yet. Second, if Barbie is in her 50’s, why does she have a 7- and a 2-year-old sister. And third, why doesn’t she age. She has been in her twenties for the last half of the century. My sister also had every possible outfit that these dolls. The problem with this is that they are all the same. They all have those short-sleeve top, the short shorts, and those high-heels. Now, Barbie standing up in those high-heels defies all laws of gravity. She has those huge boobs that are shaped like torpedoes. The designers realized this, and decided to design a new doll to get around this problem: Wheelchair Barbie.

They made this Barbie doll sitting in this wheelchair, showing that it’s ok to be in a wheelchair. They also made the Potty Training Kelly doll, in which Kelly is showing the whole world on the commercial how to go to the bathroom. While she is doing this, the music in the background goes, "Tinkle, tinkle, tinkle." Needless to say, that commercial didn’t last very long.

The only good thing that I have found out about the Barbie dolls is that their heads make wonderful golf balls. I am not kidding. The Ken heads go further, but the Barbie heads go in a strait line. They also have the trail of hair behind them to show you where they have gone. That is the only good thing about them.

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