March 15, 2003

DOM-LAND, Middle Earth—He rocks, he rolls, he skates, he spins, he shakes and bakes, he shoots, he scores! Legolas, apparently can do anything.

The rocker elf and his Elfhead bandmates rattled the rafters of the newly named Merry-Go-Round...Rink...Thing Where a Penguin Plays a Banjo, home of the Dom-Land Caribou. This was Elfhead's first live performance since releasing their album Sgt. Leggy's Lonely Heart's Club Band.

But before they could take the stage, the band took the ice for the most glorious figure skating routine in the history of anything with a history.

To the music from Last of the Mohicans, Elfhead dazzled the crowd with their lutzes, amazed them with their complex lifts, and confounded them with footwork to rival Alexei Yagudin. The band nailed their side-by-side-by-side-by-side-by-side quadruple axels and their side-by-side throw-triple-salchows with Legolas doing a scratch spin at centre ice.

Their camel spins were breathtaking.

The most heartachingly delicate moment of the routine came when Rumil and Orophin, and Haldir and Celeborn executed perfect death-spirals. Legolas circled them in an exquisite Michelle Kwan-esqe spiral.

Just then, Gwaihir (who was supposed to be on security detail) took wing and glided silently around the arena.

There were not a few moist eyes in the crowd, and a four-spot of hobbits sobbing on the bench.

"It's so beautiful!" cried Merry. "I'm all verklempt!"

"When do we ride the zamboni?" said Pippin.

Aragorn was overheard asking his wife and queen, Arwen, "Why can't you do that?" There was no report on her reply.

Elfhead's ending tableau was reminiscent of pre-Long-Island-Ice-Tea Oksana Baiul's dying swan.

Then the rocking started.

Elfhead busted out their guitars, and the groupies busted out their screams. With the opening chords of "Macho Elves," the fans shrieked, howled, wailed and moaned their ferocious devotion to the elves. There were reports of scantily clad groupies fainting during "An Elf is a Wish Your Heart Makes," as well as "Ooops...I Killed An Orc Again" from Legolas' solo album of the same name.

"I wonder why they do that," he said. "You can't really hear when you're unconscious."

One of the most entertaining moments came when Gimli of the New Dwarves on the Block came out to sing the duet "You Killed Two I Killed Seventeen." Elfhead vehemently denies rumors that certain bandmembers were miffed that a dwarf stole the spotlight albeit momentarily.

"I like singing!" said Gimli. "Hrah!"

Elfhead's rousing finale "We Will Wash You," got the whole penguin rocking, and stomping and clapping. Well, except for Strider who took slight offense.

"It was really...loud," said Gandalf.

"It was so intense," said Legolas. "It was massive. It was so brilliant and mad. I want to do it again and again!"

Unfortunately, he had to play the hockey game, which was quite a mess in comparison, although the 'Bou beat the Rohan Riders 2-1. The Caribou were short a...hobbit (no pun intended) after right-wing Sam was suspended by the league two games for his total annihilation of the Witch King's knees in the previous game.

"It was really hard playing without Sam," said his linemate Frodo who was suffering slightly from post-stuck-in-the-goal syndrome. "I had to take out everyone's knees myself." Frodo received four tripping penalties during the game.

Head Coach Elrond double-shifted all the 'Bou forwards, but it was the rockstar defence that made up for the punchy right-wing's absence.

Legolas, exceptionally pumped up from his Elfhead performance, picked up a loose puck in the first period and flew down the far side boards. With a quick fake and a shuffle, he confused the Rider goalie and the score was 0-1.

Gimli took charge in the second period scoring his league leading--and game-winning--third shorthanded goal.

Hama scored for the Riders. Gandalf made 24 saves in the win.

The most dramatic moment of the game came when a Boromir slap shot hit Eomer square in the chin. The Rider captain skated to the locker room and never returned to the ice. His jaw was reported broken in four places.

"Eowyn's going to hurt me," Boromir said after the game and before quickly heading off for cover. New Year's at the Steward of Gondor's has been called off in addition to Christmas.

Eomer tried to explain what they had done to fix his jaw.

"Shizzle, izzim," he said. Apparently his jaw had been wired shut, and the team doctor had administered... sedatives.

MEHA and Caribou officials allowed Haldir to watch the entire match from the penalty box so he could feel like he was in the game.

"I could've played in Sam's place," he said. "I can skate! I wanna go!"

Haldir has been petitioning the MEHA for league expansion next season.

"Two words," said MEHA commissioner Bubbles, "Atlanta Thrashers. Two more, toe-pick." However, the league may consider adding teams if interest is high enough.

As far as Haldir's puck envy, "We'll see what he can do with a stick," said Bubbles.

The Caribou had dinner with Elfhead after the game. They ate a lot.

Next up for the 'Bou are a home-at-home with the Moria Orcs.

Elfhead had to be airlifted out of the arena (by guess who) after throngs of fans just wouldn't go home. The band headlines the Mirkwoodstock festival taking place now until forever. The band denies rumors that they broke into Gandalf's hair gel.

Let me lace that leather, baby! (Original Leggie head from elfpornshack.com.)

Haldir's footwork sequence. "I had visions of Alexei Yagudin's Man in the Iron Mask," he said. (original Haldir head from elfpornshack.com.)

Fans freak out for Elfhead. "We bought every single amplifier from Arda Amps," said Bubbles, "and the crowd outscreamed them all."

Head Coach Elrond dresses up for the event. (Almost no photoshop here!)

~~~

Notes: Expansion??

Exhibition team chosen!

In a not unexpected landslide, the Harry Potter Adolescents were chosen to play the 'Bou in an exhibition game after the season is finished.

"We don't just mean 'adolescents,'" said special events coordinator Bubbles. "Hogwarts staff and...assorted...uh...things are also invited. I'm just so thrilled nothing weird happened in this poll!"

No date has been set for this game. See the results of the poll here.

Please do not vote more than 50 times. Thank you for supporting the Dom-Land Caribou.

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