March 7, 2005

DOM-LAND, Middle-Earth— The Dom-Land Caribou finally crashed back down to reality after a disheartening bout with the Eldar. The 'Bou put up a good fight, but ultimately lost 9-0. The Eldar, current holders of The Precious, are still unbeaten and are fast becoming the most hated team in the MEHA.

"Not our fault we're perfect, and everyone else is flawed," said Galadriel, preening slightly over her shutout.

Aragorn could do nothing but sigh mournfully. Apparently, the King of Gondor and Arnor has an official dinner with the extended family-in-law coming up. Minus his father-in-law. As per usual, Caribou head coach Elrond departed for destinations unknown as The Eldar team bus pulled into the parking lot. The Master of Rivendell was last seen driving off in a metallic mint green 1964 Buick Skylark convertible singing along to Blaze of Glory.

Haldir, much to Legolas' chagrin, scored his second hattrick of the season in the first period. The Marchwarden of Lorien didn't make a big deal about it.

"Legolas is the king of melodrama and big scenes," he said.

"Haldir's just pretending he's cooler than all that," said Legolas. "He's really a big weenie."

The Children of Iluvatar collectively spasmed as one of their number uttered the word "weenie." Pippin, however, found it hillarious. The Caribou left-wing had appeared quite down about the loss, but calling Haldir a weenie seemed to repair his disposition considerably.

The rest of the 'Bou had more difficulty recovering from the rout, both during and after the game.

After Haldir's hattrick to start the game, Gimli, in a fit of pique, destroyed his goalie stick by jamming it down into the ice, not unlike the manner in which one digs a post hole. The stick shattered right up the entire length and sent large splinters everywhere. One lodged itself into Merry's skate and had to be extracted by the equipment manager. Merry himself was undamaged.

"The splinter was this big!" insisted Merry holding his hands about three feet apart.

"It gets bigger every time you talk about it," said Boromir.

"But it's true!" said Merry.

The Eldar, still in championship form, took advantage of Gimli's loss of temper to score twice more in the first period. Arwen and Glorfindel stopped griping over "stolen" equipment long enough to put the puck past the son of Gloin.

Gandalf, filling in for Elrond, gave the dwarf a pep talk between periods, goalie-to-goalie. Gimli responded by only allowing two goals in the second period, one by Elrohir and one by Figwit. Figwit scored, and smiled, again in the third period. Elladan put the ninth nail in the coffin for the shorthanded 'Bou.

"We really need Mr. Gimli on defence," said Sam. "And no mistake."

Almost as if in response to this concern, Caribou officials have finally admitted to an ongoing search for a replacement/back up goalie.

"I was threatened with an electric stapler," complained the Caribou representative who wished to remain anonymous. Stapler threats aside, the unnamed representative would not release any names of potential candidates. The rep did say that the official announcement would be made next week.

Next up for the Caribou is a road trip.

Notes: Due to the severe depletion of players because of Cave Blight, the Moria Orcs have been reorganized into the Mighty Orcs. The Mighty Orcs include orcs of every variety. Yay.

Notes II: Sorry about the delay, my dad had a slight stroke and we've been dealing with that. Yesiree. It's always exciting at Bubbles' house, no matter how much we wish it were otherwise. But to make up for the delay, here's the funniest link ever. (It's a little PG and terribly juvenile, just for the heads up.)