March 21, 2005

MORDOR, Middle-Earth— The Dom-Land Caribou had a disappointing start to their first road trip losing to the renewed Ringwraiths 1-3.

"Errrrrrrrrrrrrgggghhhhhhhhh!" said Gimli who had been switched back to defence in anticipation of a back up goalie.

"They're much better this time around," said Boromir. "They're almost perky."

The Ringwraiths have reportedly started a vitamin regimen in an attempt to shotput last year's disastrous season out of everyone's memory. The Witchking in particular is on a high calcium diet with liberal calcium supplements. So far, the results look good. The Wraith goalie has only been killed once this season, which has instilled confidence in his team.

"It really gives us a boost knowing we won't have to carry him out in a cart," said Wraith #8, nicknamed Archibald through a screech interpreter.

The Caribou gave it their best shot without the confidence of a strong goalie behind them. Gimli returned to defence and didn't take long to knock the dust off. Everyone rotated back to their original positions, which caused some confusion. Legolas, however, was pleased to have his defence partner back.

"They try hard," the elf said of his teammates who had rotated into the second defence position, "but nothing replaces two seasons of experience."

"And Boromir still falls on his butt a lot," added Merry.

"At least I can skate backwards without plowing into a referee," said Boromir.

It must be reported that one of the Wraith goals came as a result of Merry skating into an official and ending up out of position. All things considered, it was quite a feat for the Caribou to hold the "perky" Ringwraiths to three goals. In addition to the vitamins, the Wraiths are reportedly attending Pilates classes.

"Bad mental image," said Boromir. "So bad."

Pippin scored the lone goal for the 'Bou.

"I ate a lot of cookies," he said. "I like cookies."

"We're waiting on the back up to get game ready," said Aragorn. He seemed to want to say something further, but ended up just making a strange sound. No one seemed comfortable talking about the new addition of a back up goalie. Sam in particular appeared to be unhappy and not just from the loss.

"Why can't we just have Mr. Gandalf back," he complained. "That would make Mr. Frodo happy."

Frodo was unavailable for comment. In fact no one really knew where he was. Caribou officials wanted the entire team at the press conference when they made the announcement of the new back up goalie, but Frodo flatly refused to attend and then disappeared. Sam would not talk about Frodo's whereabouts. It turned out that the new goalie wasn't up to press conferences anyway.

Excited fans have inundated Caribou offices with suggestions for the back up/temporary goalie, from the moth to Radagast. One group in particular camped outside Caribou headquarters with "Snape will save the 'Bou!" signs. However, Caribou officials are bound by the unofficial guideline that states that goalies' names must start with a "G." At the present, there were only two options. Grima had publicly expressed his desire to leave his job as Uruk-Hai towel boy, but Saruman promoted him to laundry manager to keep him from defecting.

That left the 'Bou with one choice. Against objections from certain team members and what some would say infinitely better judgment, the Caribou have picked up Gollum as their back up goalie to stand in for Gandalf until his knee injury heals.

Caribou trainers and Gandalf are bringing Gollum up to speed on hockey in its Middle-Earth incarnation while administering generous doses of Ritalin.

"We've hit a few speedbumps along the way," reported the Grey Wizard. "Cramming him into the uniform was quite a show."

Gollum has yet to make a public statement. Gandalf isn't even sure he understands what's going on.

"I guess we'll just have to get used to him," said Aragorn unenthusiastically.

"What's one more nut in the nuthouse?" said Gandalf.

Sam made a grunting sound.

Next up for the 'Bou is the newly formed Mighty Orcs.

Notes: Due to the severe depletion of players because of Cave Blight, the Moria Orcs have been reorganized into the Mighty Orcs. The Mighty Orcs include orcs of every variety. Yay.

Notes II: Sorry about the delays. We should be getting back on track from this week.