April 17, 2005

DOM-LAND, Middle-Earth— It's official. Despite official protests by certain unnamed Caribou, unofficial protests by fans and a truckload of spam delivered to Caribou offices, Gollum/Smeagol started in goal against the Hobbit team. And the Caribou won 5-2.

"I just don't know how to feel," said Sam.

Gollum's debut had a similarly confusing effect on the crowd at the Merry-Go-Round...Rink...Thing Where a Penguin Plays a Banjo. Fans didn't quite know how to respond to the emaciated little figure, who seemed to be drowned in goalie gear, when he waddled out onto the ice. The crowd didn't know whether to cheer or boo.

"They sort of grunted," said Gimli. The defence dwarf scored twice.

"Maybe it was the spam musubis," said Legolas. The "special" at the MGRRTWAPPAB concession stands was spam musubis.

"We had to do something with all that spam," said Aragorn.

"Don't make fun of the spam musubis," said Sam. "Bubbles will hurt you."

Indeed the only being not completely freaked out by large volumes of spam was Bubbles. She whipped out her mother's recipe to deal with the mountain of spam and introduced Middle-Earth to that beloved Hawaii delicacy, the spam musubi.

"It's actually pretty good," said Legolas. "Kind of like lembas."

The Children of Iluvatar collectively spasmed as one of their number compared lembas to spam.

The spam provided a welcome change of subject as the atmosphere twitched with tension. Frodo refused to acknowledge Gollum's presence during practices, not that Gollum seemed to mind or even notice. Sam, because of Frodo, kept an eye on Gollum, and frequently ended up out of position. The rest of the team shifted around uncomfortably, even after the game.

Except for Gandalf, who was all bells and whistles.

"The little guy did fine for his debut," said Gandalf. Gollum made 17 saves in the win, although whether or not it was on purpose is anyone's guess. Team officials are keeping him from public appearances for now. Rumor has it that Gollum is actually sequestered from his own team most of the time.

Boromir scored first for the 'Bou all while avoiding his Hobbit shadow, Lobelia Sackville-Baggins. Ms. Sackville-Baggins in her ardent pursuit of Middle-Earth's fittest blokes has become an excellent defence-hobbit. Her offensive skills are pretty fit as well, and she scored both of the Hobbits' two goals.

"She's rather frightening," said Boromir. "In many ways."

Gollum behaved himself, more or less, during the game, although he inadvertently caused a commotion midway through the third period when he appeared to be having some sort of seizure. Play was stopped as trainers rushed out onto the ice to assess the situation.

"He was totally flopping around for no reason," said Pippin. "Making weird noises too."

It turned out, Gollum wasn't convulsing. He was sneezing.

"One more nut," said Gandalf with a grin. There are no updates on the state of his knees.

"He's keeping it a secret," said Pippin who scored twice against the Hobbits.

"He's a lazy bugger," said Merry.

Gandalf thumped Merry on the head with a spam musubi.

"Don't waste that," said Pippin. The hobbits and the Hobbits wiped out the spam musubis.

Next up for the 'Bou is a visit from the Uruk-Hai.

Notes: For those interested, Bubbles' mom made spam musubi like this:

1 can spam thinly sliced
Teriyaki sauce
Ume (take the seed out)
Furikake (whichever one you like)
Yaki nori
Rice (duh)

Split the sheets of yaki nori in half.

Fry spam until crisp. Pour teriyaki sauce in until it covers all the spam in the pan. Keep frying.

Put some rice (about a handful) onto the center of the piece of yaki nori. If you don't have that spam musubi maker thing (v. rare in Middle-Earth), shape the rice so that it's not falling all over the place. Sprinkle furikake on the rice. Put pieces of shredded ume on the furikake rice. Place the teriyaki spam on the rice. Wrap the nori over the musubi and enjoy! (Warning: VERY, VERY bad for people with high blood pressure. Bubbles' family doesn't eat spam musubis too much anymore because of her dad's high blood pressure. So sad.)

Notes: I'm really sorry about how erratic these updates have been. No excuses. I'm just bad.