James Fan of the Year Award (sponsored by the NME, whose motto, as always, is “James are the worst band ever so why cater to their fans?!”)

Now the big question when coming up with this award was whether it should be for the James fan who has made themselves the biggest asshole on the internet, or for the one who actually spouted the most sense.  Unfortunately, I couldn’t find anyone on the internet who wasn’t a total fucking tosser when it came to discussing the subject of their favourite band or why they were such a great fan.  But a few people particularly shone far and beyond the average internet moron for making reading any chat board or mailing list so painfully tedious and frustrating that I just had to decide in favour of awarding this to the person who has generally caused enough annoyance to myself and other James fans that they deserve to be locked in a cell for all eternity with only Nichola and Caroline off Big Brother for company.  So, the nominees:

Honest Pleasure  -  For generally being a bit of a sad fool.  This guy plods on about items in the discography and pays to have his own merchandise created, and when people laugh at him he can’t work out why he’s made himself a laughing stock.  I suspect this person hasn’t had a moment of “pleasure” in his entire sorry life.  Live a little.  Spend your money on some drugs or prostitutes (or both).  Go on holiday somewhere sunny and stare at half-naked women. It’s ok to leave your flat.  I promise.

Sprout - He knows it all doesn’t he?  Always trying to play the voice of reason so he can let us know how down with the band he is.  Do us a favour and crawl back into whatever hole you came out of because for most people James is about music, not celebrity connections!

Honest Joe -  A scary soul who seems to think any comment made on the chat board is being directed at him.  Who relishes in making snide attacks on people, claiming he was “only joking” when he gets called out for being a nasty piece of work.  He’s single handedly created an elite webmaster clique and deliberately tried to alienate anyone who doesn’t kiss his boots.  Oh yeah, he also seems to think that James should cater to his needs, rather than their own.  THEY ARE NOT COMING TO BELFAST BECAUSE YOU FRIGHTEN THEM!  Furthermore, not every message posted is directed to you.  I would suggest joining a commune so you can learn how to work with others and how to subjugate your massive ego to the actual needs of a community.  Either that or turn to fascism.  It suits you. 

Homeboy - Just for being far too enthusiastic.  Boy, if you don’t calm down you’ll have a heart attack.  You’re very much in danger of becoming the saddest James fan out there just for your over the top enthusiasm for anything that you connect in some sad way to the band.  You should really find a hobby.  Perhaps knitting or pottery would calm you down?  Either that or move in with Honest Pleasure. 

The Cook Report - For opening the way for all sorts of unreadable wank on the chat board and in the chat room because you have such a sad life that you have to pretend to be a surrealist poet.  Also, for thinking anybody actually cares about your useless ramblings.  This was actually a hard nomination to make, because although you are the number one creator of internet spam in the world, I’ve also been led to believe you are a bona fide "dirty old man" which is an unusually healthy, well-adjusted thing to be for a net geek.

Dave - Magical Uber-Hat my arse.  Not only are you NOT clever Dave, but your annoyingly loudmouthed support of Cheltenham FC and your chat-room narcissism have made the chat room unbearable for those people who don’t think that the world revolves around your mini-dramas.  People are LEAVING to avoid you.  People have stopped listening to James to avoid being associated with you!  You don’t know everything, and James should be embarassed to have you sniffing around and trying to lick their feet.  Perhaps you should go join the air force and throw yourself out of a couple of airplanes.  Learn to be a man, Dave.

AND THE WINNER IS: 

Who else could it be!  HONEST JOE.  Yes Honest Joe, not only is your website a sad imitation of everyone who came before you, but the toss you spout on the web and your massive ego make you the biggest wanker in the history of James fandom.  The hostile nature of almost all interaction between James fans is entirely YOUR FAULT.  You should have worked out by now that when you constantly go around provoking people, eventually they are going to take the bait, and that the sort of personal attacks you relish making only breed bad vibes, bad karma, and general discontent and unhappiness.  It all begs the question, WHEN WILL PEOPLE LEARN THAT BEING A FAN DOES NOT MEAN ACTING LIKE A LOUDMOUTH KNOW-IT-ALL?

Now, Honest Joe was unavailable to collect the award himself, so Mr. Agreeable made the trip to collect it for him.  This is the acceptance speech he gave in Joe’s honor: 

"Fucking piss wank twat twat twat cunt fuck twat arse.  What sort of cunt would actually waste their time writing "Dumbass James twat of the year"?  Who gives a fuck?  Moronic cunt twat arse piss shite.  Personally I think we should give three cheers to that dicklicker  Honest Joe for whatever he has done to piss off the cunts who actually listen to the bumfluff that is James.  The more angry psychotic James fans the better.  Perhaps some of them will finally officially lose their tops and end up hurtling like lemmings to their violent demise from the top of Piccadilly Radio.  So I accept this pile of rancid semen for the arsesniffer  Honest Joe cause it’s a fucking honour to be hated by a bunch of cunts."