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Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer. - Anon

A fly without wings... would it be called a walk? - anon

Goldfish don't bounce - Bart Simpson

A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn in no other way. - Mark Twain

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there? - anon

I hate dogs. - Ozura Haruka

I will not go near the kindergarten turtle - Bart Simpson

An adult Western in where the hero still kisses his horse in the end, only now he worries about it. - Milton Berle

Dogs are sons of bitches. - WC Fields

A camel is a horse designed by a committee. - Anon

BEAUTY

It is better to be looked over than overlooked. - Mae West

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society. - Mark Twain

I want to grow old without facelifts. I want to have the courage to be loyal to the face I have made. - Marylin Monroe

I gave my beauty and my youth to men. I am going to give my wisdom and experience to animals. - Brigitte Bardot

Beauty is ten, nine of which is dressing. - Azerbaijani Proverb

Personal beauty is a greater recommendation than any letter of reference. - Aristotle

I think I'm perfect the way I am. I don't need plastic surgery. But, I wish my hair was thicker, and I wish my feet were prettier. My toes are really ugly. I wish my ears were smaller. And my nose could be smaller, too. - Britney Spears

"True beauty is on the inside" is only what ugly people say - Anon

DRINKING

I find that red wine improves with age. The older I get, the more I like it. - Raymond George

When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. - Al Capone

If you resolve to give up smoking, drinking and loving, you don't actually live longer, it just seems longer. - Clement Freud

ENTERTAINMENT

My films won't send people out into the streets with axes or anything. The Shirley Temple movies are more likely to do that. After listening to "The Good Ship Lollipop" you gotta go out and beat up somebody. Stands to reason. - Lee Marvin

There are plenty of businesses like show business - Bart Simpson

FAME

When the heat has past, you forget about the shade tree. - Japanese proverb

My advice to those who think they have to take off their clothes to be a star is, once you're boned, what's left to create the illusion? Let em wonder. I never believed in giving them too much of me. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

I'm going to be a great movie star some day. - Marilyn Monroe

I'm an instant star. Just add water and stir. - David Bowie

There was my name up in lights. I said, 'God, somebody's made a mistake.' But there it was, in lights. And I sat there and said, 'Remember, you're not a star.' Yet there it was up in lights. - Marilyn Monroe

FAMILY and MARRIAGE

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Never rely on the glory of the morning or the smiles of your mother-in-law. - Japanese proverb

Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids, eat them - Homer Simpson

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he's finished. - Zsa zsa Gabor

Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. - Red Buttons

Beware the Trojan horse of "Family Values" - Jello Biafra

I don't like the way this conversation is headed one bit. They can't all team up against a sweet, innocent kid like me... - Sailormoon

Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution. - Mae West

FOOD

My advice if you insist on slimming: eat as much as you like, just don't swallow it. - Harry Secombe

Luck is like having a rice dumpling fly into your mouth. - Japanese proverb

Being overweight is something that just sort of snacks up on you. - anon

Mud is not one of the 4 food groups - Bart Simpson

The "issue" of Cool Ranch Pringles is that there aren't any. - Ozura Haruka

Hey the ham belongs in the fridge! - Sailormoon

Oh loneliness and cheeseburgers are a deadly combination. - The Simpsons

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? - anon

I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A Whitney Brown

Bread that must be sliced with an axe is bread that is too nourishing. - Fran Lebowitz

INTELLIGENCE

Better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. - Mark Twain

Imagination is more important than knowledge. - Einstein

A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. - anon

Did you ever stop to think, and forget to start again? - Anon

You can't make anything idiot-proof because idiots are so ingenious. - Ron Burns

So I guess the only cure for stupidity is death. - Patlabor

Even if you are kind of dense, if you think you'll find some way to win! - Kenshin

Knowledge without wisdom is a load of books on the back of an ass. - Japanese proverb

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. - Albert Einstein

INTERNATIONAL AFFAIRS

An ambassador is an honest man sent to lie abroad for the good of his country. - Henry Wotton

Australia? Where the hell is Australia anyway? 16 hours from LA?! Who the hell would wanna go somewhere 16 hours away from LA!?! - Britney Spears

Gee, I never thought I had an effect on people until I was in Korea. - Marilyn Monroe

In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci, and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, 500 years of democracy and peace, and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock. So long, Holly. - some movie.

I can understand German as well as the maniac that invented it, but I talk it best through an interpreter. - Mark Twain

I don't even know what street Canada is on. - Al Capone

I have found out that there ain't no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them. - Mark Twain

Well the coolest part about touring is that you get to go to all these cool oversea places like Canada. - Britney Spears

LIFE

Life is a funny thing that happened on the way to the grave. - Quentin Crisp

Experience is the name old people give to their mistakes. - Oscar Wilde

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks for a coffin. - HL Mencken

Inexperience it what makes a young man do what an older man says is impossible. - Herbert Prochnow

Happiness is good health and a bad memory. - Ingrid Bergmann

Just because you had a lousy childhood is no reason to be a lousy adult. - Anon

Monday is a hard way to spend one-seventh of your life - Garfield

Life is like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get. - Forrest Gump

I have a simple philosophy: Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches. - Alice Longworth

To get back one's youth one has merely to repeat one's follies. - Oscar Wilde

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens. - Woody Allen

If the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail - Maslow

One can survive everything nowadays, except death. - Oscar Wilde

MANNERS AND ETTIQUETTE

I'm no model lady. A model's just an imitation of the real thing. - Mae West

I will not do that thing with my tongue - Bart Simpson

MONEY

My main problem is reconciling my gross habits with my net income. - Errol Flynn

In spite of the cost of living, it's still popular. - Laurence Peter

Bargain like a gypsy, but pay like a gentleman. - Hungarian proverb

The most popular labour-saving device is still money. - Phyllis George.

Some people go over their budgets very carefully every month, some just go over them. - Sally Poplin

POLITICS

Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair. - George Burns

I will not belch the National Anthem - Bart Simpson

What luck for rulers that men do not think. - Adolf Hitler

A politician is a statesman who approaches every question with an open mouth. - Adlai Stevenson

Most political jokes get elected. - Anon

I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment - Bart Simpson

A friend of mine was asked to a costume ball a short time ago. He slapped some egg on his face and went as a liberal economist. - Steven Wright

I feel closer to my enemies than those of us in government positions... - Kenshin

The broad mass of a nation will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. - Adolf Hitler

The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan - Bart Simpson

A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but won't cross the street to vote in a national election. - Bill Vaughan

Vote early and vote often. - Al Capone

I do not have diplomatic immunity - Bart Simpson

I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. - WC Fields

Spitwads are not free speech - Bart Simpson

Don't steal. The government hates competition. - Anon

When you say you agree to a thing on principle, you mean that you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. - Otto Von Bismark

RELATIONSHIPS

It's not the men in my life, it's the life in my men. - Mae West

Husbands are like fires. They go out if unattended. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple. - Japanese proverb

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller

Love is an illusion created to justify procreation to women. - Ozura Haruka

I'd do more than sell my soul to the devil; I'd burn in Hell for eternity, as long as you are in Heaven. - Sailor Neptune

I never hated a man enough to give him diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

Diamonds are a girl's best friend. Dogs are a man's best friend. You tell me which sex is smarter. - Anon

You think the paper boy likes you just because he rides by your front door every morning. - Sailor Jupiter

What happened to love that it is now depreciated to the point of "manipulation"? - Ozura Haruka

Little men walk with big sticks. - Hungarian proverb

I'm not jealous. I just can't stand knowing you looked at someone besides me. - Sailor Uranus

Better to have loved and lost than for a short person never to have loved a tall. - David Chamble

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork - Mae West

Macho does not prove mucho. - Zsa Zsa Gabor

A woman will sometimes forgive the man who tries to seduce her, but never the man who misses an opportunity when offered. - Charles Maurice de Talleyrand

RELIGION

Where's my spiritual charisma? - Ozura Haruka

Adam and Eve turned over a new leaf. - Anon

God's in his heaven. All's right with the world. - Evangelion

SCHOOL

I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge - Bart Simpson

Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. - Hector Berlioz

Even a thief takes ten years to learn his trade. - Japanese Proverb

I will not sleep through my education - Bart Simpson

Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too. - Joan Rivers

I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes" - Bart Simpson

Never let schooling interfere with your education. - Dad

A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. - W. H. Auden

TRANSPORTATION

A collision is what happens when two motorists go after the same pedestrian. - Robert Benchley

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. - Erme Bombeck

WAR

Weapons are like money; no one knows the meaning of enough. - Einstein

Gentlemen. You can't fight in here. This is the War Room! - Dr. Strangelove

WIT AND SPEECH

Next to being witty yourself, the best thing is to quote another's wit. - Christian Bovee

Talk low, talk slow, just don't say too much. - John Wayne

Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it. - Mark Twain

They are laughing at me, not with me - Bart Simpson

I don't mind making jokes, but I don't want to look like one. - Marilyn Monroe

Don't be so open-minded that your brain falls out. - Anon

As to the Adjective: when in doubt, strike it out. - Mark Twain

Since light travels faster than sound, is that why people appear bright until you hear them speak? - Anon

You can get a lot more done with a kind word and a gun, than with a kind word alone. - Al Capone

The reverse side also has a reverse side. - Japanese proverb

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. - anon

If "A" equals success, then A = X + Y + Z. "X" is work. "Y" is play. "Z" is keeping your mouth shut. - Einstein

The "S" in Scorpio stands for "cynical". - Ozura Haruka

A flatterer is a secret enemy. - Hungarian proverb

The big print giveth and the fine print taketh away. - Monsignor J Fulton Sheen

If I asked for a cup of coffee, someone would search for the double meaning. - Mae West

The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds the other fellow of a bad one. - Sid Caesar

It's hard to be funny when you have to be clean. - Mae West

It usually takes me more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain

It isn't what I do, but how I do it. It isn't what I say, but how I say it. And how I look when I do it and say it. - Mae West

I never need to lie; just rearrange the truth in my favour - Raymond George

WORK

The only person to call a spade a spade is a gardener. - Graham Keith

I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty - Bart Simpson

If you believe everything you read, better not read. - Japanese Proverb

I will not Xerox my butt - Bart Simpson

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now. - Anon

A classic --something that everybody wants to have read and nobody wants to read. - Mark Twain

Einstein's desk was this messy. - Garfield

I like work. It fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours. - Anon

If all else fails, lower your standards. - Anon

I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. - Fred Allen

When I can no longer create anything, I'll be done for. - Coco Chanel

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? - Anon

I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by. - Anon