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The Evil Customer Identification GuideEverybody's run into these people at one time or another. If you haven't, you will soon enough. Here, you'll find a quick rundown of the perpetrators, along with some tips on dealing with them. Use them at your own risk. These tips are aren't the most elegant of solutions, and don't always work. For the politically correct types, substitute he for he/she/it Big Mouth on CampusThe Master Thief Mr. Generosity The Verbalist The Economics Expert Napalm Eater Recommendations Guy Salivary Connoisseur My First Darwin Award Nominee My First Darwin Award Nominee I just had my first theft at my restaurant in quite a long time, and I just had to share it with you because it's so incredibly stupid. I've had people so cheap that they stole toilet paper from the bathrooms, but this was the first time that someone stole the light switches and covers WITH THE POWER STILL ON. I was working in the kitchen at the time, and the lights sort of flickered and dimmed a moment. With the crappy above ground power lines in this town, it happens on occasion. Later when everybody had left, I checked the bathrooms, and the fan timers and light switches were gone. After killing the power and checking more thoroughly, I found a half melted screwdriver in the sink. No dead body, so I guess the thief left, but I bet he wasn't in tip top shape. Thanks for not dying here buddy. Probable tip: Well, I got a free screwdriver out of it... and a good laugh. Absolute freakin' Genius. 
Return to top Salivary Connoisseur They often come in groups of at least 2, and tend to be loud and demanding and it's often their first time in the restaurant. The most unusual identifying feature is that after or during ordering, they would say things like:
Somehow, I can't see how nagging or trying to intimidate the kitchen staff would improve the
final product. If anything, I might end up dodging a cleaver, or you might get some "secret sauce"
added to your dinner.
Probable Tip: A fresh piece of ABC gum in the original wrapper.
Return to top Recommendations Guy The little fellow is a terribly annoying sort of bug. He'll come into the restaurant, and even if it's not his first time there, he'll ask stuff like:
He will order anything *BUT* what you suggest. Don't bother putting any serious thought into actually suggesting something he might enjoy. It's a BS fake-out. It's not so much "What do you recommend," as "What's the boss trying to push today?" Just for fun, I'm tempted to suggest something that's not even on the menu. If he actually takes me up on it, I suppose I could just say we're all out Probable Tip: Sorry, fresh out.
Return to top The Verbalist A feature of this variety of Evil Customer is the gushing praise of the food and service. Fairly pleasant to serve compared to some of the others in this catalog, but the foreplay just makes the finale that much more disappointing. The other distinctive feature is that in his mind, all of that gushing praise *is* the tip. [Special thanks to ServerNotServant for submitting this sighting] I used to think that The Master Thief had struck again, but no. I'd been given a verbal gratuity. Much like a broken promise, it's disappointing. Very disappointing. The sad thing is that he actually believes that a verbal gratuity is an alternative to a tip rather than what it really is, which is a promise of one. I'm reminded of the old Vaudville saying: "No applause... please.. just throw money." (preferably not coins, those hurt)
Of course, I've never had the guts to actually say that. Probable Tip: 0.00 (But that's in US dollars...)
Return to top Big Mouth On Campus This species of Evil Customer will be easily identifiable by the distinctive sound he/she makes. The sheer VOLUME (capital V) coming from it is audible for up to .5 km from the source. The sound and volume will be very similar to a tourist originating from Texas or New York (or a Canadian hockey fan after a few beers). Demands will be made upon staff almost immediately upon entering the establishment, even before being seated. He will make every attempt to monopolize as much of the establishment's resources as possible. All the while, there will be comments along the lines of "I'll leave a big tip" or "That will be reflected in your tip." will be heard repeatedly. In some cases, the subject has had a bad day and like the Monty Python (TM) skit, has simply "...come for an argument." In others, it's simply his way to give themselves an excuse not to leave a tip without looking cheap in front of his friends (bad service and all that).
Either way, it's best to just serve them as best you can but don't take time away from other customers or your other duties, however. It's simply not worth it (neither financially nor otherwise). It's likely impossible to please this person. If he truly thought the service was terrible, he won't return, and you may rejoice. Unfortunately, like a bad penny he always comes back (so apparently, the service wasn't that bad.) Probable Tip: $0.00 - 0.02
Return to top The Master Thief This species is difficult to detect as it will likely appear outwardly to be the same in appearance and mannerism to any number of customer archetypes. What distinguishes this particular evil customer is that when no one is looking, he will "borrow" the tip off the next table. It happens more often than you might think, though nobody outside the food service industry ever believes it. He/She (usually he) doesn't consider himself to be a criminal sort, and will never admit to doing this. There are two different Modus Operandi employed by these sneaky devils:Approach 1 This will typically be done when it is extremely busy, when the staff are otherwise occupied elsewhere. His guests will have already left, having been told something like: "Don't wait up for me/us, we'll be along momentarily." It is at this time, when there are very few witnesses that matter to him, that he will wander over to a recently departed table and help himself to the tip (and possibly that table's bill payment if it was also left there). Not much you can do really. You can't accuse the guy without getting yourself into some trouble. Only thing you can really do is to grab the tip (and payment) off the table as soon as the people have left. That way, he won't get the chance to rip you and the store off. I've been told this may be considered rude in some circles (don't ask me why, I've not found this out yet). If it's the bill that's involved, I say screw the rudeness factor. I'd rather be accused of being rude than be stuck with having to cover someone else's bill Approach 2 Again, this will be done when a table has been recently vacated. A group of new arrivals will gravitate towards the (still dirty) recently vacated table, even though there may be many other perfectly clean and set tables in the dining room. While they seat themselves at the table that is still heaped with the previous patron's left overs, they'll help themselves to the tip. It's a bit easier to find a graceful way out of this situation. Simply, apologize for the state of the table, and tell them you'll get everything ready for them as soon as possible. Ask them to wait to one side momentarily while you do this. As you clear the first set of dishes, palm the tip and bill along with it. Once everything's cleaned up and set up, you can get the bill squared away taking your well earned gratuity. Probable Tip: [insert negative number here] Return to top Mr. Generosity Mr. Generosity has invited his friends and family out for a meal. At the end of the meal, he'll make a big show of taking care of the bill and an even bigger show of leaving a big tip. This will typically be a large denomination bill ($20-$100) plus a small denomination $1 or $2. After dessert, he'll be the last one to leave, apparently wanting to rest a moment or use the washroom. Once the last of his guests have left, he'll take back the large denomination bill, leaving the smaller denomination (or some change) behind before leaving himself. Annoying, but the amount of the tip is up to the customer. If he chooses to leave a smaller amount, that's his business. Forget about it, and move on. Maybe the scales of cosmic Karmic justice will catch up with him, and one of his guests will catch him doing this some day. Probable Tip: $22.50 (err... make that $2.50... no... $2.00) Return to top The Economics Expert Easily identified by the distinctive sound he makes: "What?!?! I can make that cheaper myself!" He's discovered the great secret behind restaurants and businesses in general: The objective of a business is to make a profit. I guess he thinks it's such an honor to serve him that not only should the staff cook and clean up after him for free, but the the menu should available to him below cost. Quite frankly, serving people like him isn't enough of an honor to work for free, and being graced by his presence certainly isn't worth the business going into debt. I've come to the point where I'm tempted to just say "Yup." with my best redneck imitation and walk away. What can I say? He's got me (and much of western capitalist society as well). Probable Tip: $0 (Though he'd prefer it if you tipped him.) Return to top Napalm Eater I feel a bit guilty bitching about my elders, but this list can't be complete without the Napalm Eater. This is the opposite of that stupid lady that sued McD's(TM) for making their coffee too hot after dumping on herself. Even if the coffee/tea/soup or has reached 85C (typical holding temp for industrial coffee makers and steam tables) they'll complain it's too cold. You take it back and microwave it until it's 100C (checked with a thermometer in the kitchen) and still it's too cold. It likely wouldn't be satisfied until the cup of coffee or bowl of soup were aflame (this, of course, as cooks know, is no guarantee of temperature). I actually wonder if perhaps a lifetime of consuming these rediculously hot beverages has resulted in some nerve damage making it impossible for them to sense temperature in their mouths. Perhaps this is why stupid coffee lady (TM) didn't think her hot coffee would burn when she poured it in her lap. I think I've figured it out. It's not a matter of how hot the beverage is, but how hot it's perceived to be. The actual temperature of the beverage doesn't really seem to matter. When serving, I would caution the customer "Careful. It's hot." Not only is it a good idea in general, it has cut the number of complaints about beverages, and such being too cold by quite a bit. Just remember not to do this when serving ice cream
Napalm Revisited
Feel free to check it out that link JJ mentioned, if you're interested in reading more details on that McDonalds coffee case. The article mentions that McDonalds has a coffee holding temperature of 180 degrees. I presume that's Farenheit, as the coffee would have to be served as pressurized steam at 180Celcius. 180F = 82C, which is actually cooler than most of the local restaurants serve coffee at as most places have the old coffee makers. We recently replaced our coffee maker with a newer more energy efficient one (not for safety reasons, the cost of commercial electricity just doubled in Ontario this past year). The new one has a holding temp of 75C, which is still a lot hotter than that article's recommended temp of 130F (54.5C). While I can't tell the difference (I drink my coffee black, and it seems pretty hot to me), we have gotten some complaints about the coffee being cold -- apparently the old 85C was just about right once you hit it with a shot of cold milk or a packet or two of cream. The steam table (and the soups in it) are still at 80-85C, mostly because it's 80C is mandated by the health department. It's the MINIMUM holding temperature they allow. Canadians don't usually do the lawsuit thing, but if you want to sue someone, the municipal and regional governments are listed in the phone book. Anyways, despite having the soup at that temp, we still get complaints about it being too cold. What I particularly don't get is that once it's heated up, they'll blow on it to cool it down before eating it. Probable Tip: $0.00 to 0.50 (Hey, the elderly are on fixed incomes and back in the day, that was a lot of money...) Return to top |