Exeter College Darts

One year ago, Queen's only needed to beat Exeter to sew up the league title. Instead, they lost 9-3 and Exeter went top (only to throw it away). A year on, and the situation hadn't changed much. Exeter needed at least 9-3 to have a chance of the league.

And the score was more than 9-3. 10-2, to be exact. To them.

For the first three darts, it went well. Stevenson stepped up second against little Baker, but after three darts, the Exeter man was in and Baker wasn't.

Nine darts later, little brother was on 73 after getting in and hitting two 140s in a row. Graham pulled out a ton to answer, but it was soon all over.

So up steps Fads against Paul Lawson. Fads's theory in playing 2 was that he was playing so inconsistently that whoever he was against, he'd lose if he played badly, so he might as well lose to someone good. Lawson, imaginatively and inaccurately known as "The Machine" (apparently), didn't actually play that well, but even when switching to 19s, Fads was poor. Informing me afterwards by text message of his retirement, he explained, "You can't go 7, 7, miss playing at number 2."

So that's 2-0 to them. Clifford was equally awful against Steve Jordan, so it was down to Barkworth. After a couple of darts to warm up, he got in with a 126 inshot - bag. But that was as good as it got, and when it degenerated into a shit double shoot-out, Matt Baker got there first for 4-0. We were still making plenty of noise, although Jordan had the cheek to nick our Bob The Builder song and change it to "Matty Baker ... yes he can". Poor.

Of course, it was pretty much all over already, though I did hear Highlander say to someone, "Well, at least we can't lose 9-3 this year." And when we saw their number 5, we thought we might have a chance. The only man in the university who looks younger than that Peter's bloke last week (cue a reprisal from Fads of "Darts are not a child's toy! They're sharp!") was poor. He attracted the loudest-ever yell of Jimmy Nicholls' own bizarre banter phrase, "You're shit mate! You can't even hit the board!", which was shouted exactly in time by about 20 people at the top of their voices. He didn't get anywhere against Matt Locke, who took him out with ease.

Time now for the next youngster, Matt Thomas, who never found his rhythm ... 5-1. Then JK vs JP as Killingley faced their perennial moderate lower-order muppet. Killingley had his chances, but JP defied that "JP, shit darts / Shit darts, JP" banter to make it six.

Highlander may be a bit too good to play at number 8; he was certainly too good for Stephany, who never really got close despite hitting a cheeky 101, and made the score after singles 7-1.

It was the same story as the doubles started (this is all getting a bit depressing) : Clifford and Matt Thomas never really stood a chance against the brothers Baker. However, our only two decent players on the night helped us bag another leg. Matt Locke, with Stevenson, won his second leg out of two on his Queen's debut, which is probably the best thing to come out of a poor night.

Still, everyone was in good spirits and enjoying themselves. Some random bloke I've never met from college sauntered up to the oche and proclaimed, "I'm James Waterman. You might have heard of me", providing another irritating loud voice. Clifford got in trouble for blowing at their players while they were throwing (honestly, he'll be throwing darts at them next).

We had high hopes for Killingley and Barkworth, but it didn't go to plan, and Fads and Stephany continued their singles form in a one-sided last match to make it 10-2. Still, we all stayed down their bar for a few minutes afterwards, and joined a brief silence for the passing of Ed Savory, which was impeccably observed (well, almost - to be fair, they observed it better than us).

So, other than a few defiant choruses of "1-5 to the Exeter", that was that. The rivalry resumes next year. Or maybe in the Cuppers final. There's just a chance. After all, somebody has got to stop them winning things.