F A L C A T S ! ! !
Posted By: linda/WM/TT2 on 3-18-2001 - 9:56PM
Subject: A future project for Titus?
After reading about Big Apple's slumping ratings, I emailed Titus' agent to ask about any projects he may be looking into. I got an email today (guess the guy works weekends trying to get work for our big guy) with the following information.
Thank you for inquiring about our client, Titus Welliver. As you know, Titus is currently working on the CBS drama Big Apple. Titus has several projects he's currently looking at, but one of the most promising opportunities is a show tentatively titled "FALCATS," a posssible spin-off of the WB network show, Sabrina the Teenage Witch.
Here is a brief synopsis of the show, which is still in the development stage. Please feel free to share this information with all of Titus' other fans.
"FALCATS"
A SPIN-OFF OF SABRINA, THE TEENAGE WITCH.
Sabrina's cat Salem vacations in Brooklyn and visits his Italian cousin, Sonny Meowpoli. Sonny, a Maine Coon cat, and his gang of alley cats are part of the Catnip crime family and hang out at the Kit Kat and Kaboodle Lounge.
Sonny is very close to Raymond "MadCat" Ricci, the head of family, but is constantly at odds with his chief rivals Victor "SourPuss" Mura and Fluffy Liccanutti, the family's Undercat.
Stories revolve around the adventures of Sonny and his gang: Alberto "Lucky" Furball, Jimmy "Jingle Bell" Urizzi, Sally "Scratching Post" Martini, and their flunky sidekick Nicky the Kitten. Another of Sonny's closest friends is Joe Falcats, who is in fact, Joe Persian, an undercover FBI agent whose assignment is to infiltrate the Catnips and bring them down. After a close call where Joe's cover is almost blown, he and his family move to a new home and assume the new identity of Joe and Maggie Mewington. They live with their two children Bootsy (the older of the two and the one with the attitude) and Mittens.
Scene 1 -- Sonny and his crew are going to meet Liccanutti for the first time.
Lucky: Remember when they made Joe "Tuna Fish" on 83rd a captain. Within a month his whole crew were all mangey, garbage eatin' scumbags.
Sonny: Shut up!
Lucky: I'm just makin' a point!
Sonny: POINT YOUR TAIL!!!!!
Scene 2 -- Sonny, Joe, and Sally are planning their next caper. Sally returns from getting drinks for himself, Sonny, and Joe.
Sally: (to Sonny) Dat's da cream. -- (to Joe) Dat's da cream and sugar. -- And dat's me.
Sonny: Sally. How many mouses ya tink dere are around.
Sally: Just Brooklyn or da whole city.
Sonny: Big picture.
Sally: A-boooouuuuut a dozen mice per hole. A-boooouuuuut a couple of holes per building. A-boooouuuuut a couple dozen buildings per block. A-boooouuuuut a few million blocks per borough. And at 15% per mouse .........
Sonny: Dats a lot of mouses.
Scene 3 -- Joe is standing in front of the Kit Kat and Kaboodle Lounge with the gang. Suddenly he sees all of Nicky the Kitten's pigeons fly off the roof.
Sonny (looking up with a couple of feathers hanging out of his mouth): I always hated those filthy birds.
Scene 4 -- The gang has just hijacked a truckload of what they think is premium cat food. When they open up the boxes inside the truck, instead they find a shipment of Hartz dog products.
Sonny: Unless Fluffy's got a bad case of fleas, we're in a world of hurt.
Scene 5 -- Sonny and Jimmy have just learned that they've lost three of their gang to rival SourPuss.
Jimmy: So now we're down to six guys. And Joe, not for nuthin', is still in Miami.
Sonny: Would you get off Joe or I'll throw you off a roof in front of a big dog.
Jimmy: Then we'd be down to five guys. Besides, I'd land on my feet . . . and I got another six/seven lives left. I'm going for Meow Mix.
Scene 6 -- Sonny's Uncle Tom Cat learns that Fluffy Licanutti has put out a contract on him. Uncle Tom Cat ends up in the hospital when he coughs up a large furball while trying to hit Fluffy first. The FBI puts him under protective custody and Joe Falcats' FBI boss, Jules "TopCat" Weller tries to convince him to testify against the family in exchange for protection.
Uncle Tom Cat: I want da following tree tings in no particular order. First, I want dat new Fresh Step cat litter -- spring fresh scent. Second, I want one of dose multi-level cat condos, near a scratchin' post. And lastly, I want to have all of my food served out of crystal stemware like dat cat in the Fancy Feast commercials.
Jules: Oh c'mon Tom! You coughed up a fur ball, you didn't win the New York Cat Show.
Uncle TomCat: One more thing. I want a private meeting wit' a friend. I tink ya know him. Sonny Meowpoli.
Jules: THAT, I can do.
Later that day ........
Sonny: Uncle TomCat, how do ya feel?
Uncle TomCat: Like a litter box.
Posted By: linda/WM/TT2 on 3-20-2001 - 4:35PM
Subject: More FALCATS!!!! -- I just can't stop!
The guys are all hanging out at the Kit Kat and Kaboodle Lounge talkin' about business, when Joe gets a phone call. It's his FBI boss Jules "TopCat" Weller with news that Joe's wife Maggie Mewington is in the emergency room at the animal hospital -- she fell out of a tree and broke her paw. Joe hangs up from the call and tries to make an excuse to leave.
Joe: Sonny, that was my contact in Miami. We're ready to rock 'n roll on that shipment of rhinestone-studded collars.
Jimmy: Whatsa mattah wit you. Didn't you hear what Sonny just said. NO MOVES!
Joe: Jimmy, you got a problem with me? Get it out.
Sonny: What are ya sayin' Jimmy.
Jimmy: I'm sayin' I don't know him and I don't trust him. Who's this guy? He's not from any litter in this neighborhood. Alls I know is he's supposed to be some hotshot pet supply thief from Miami! And who's this contact you got that just called you?
Joe: You can sniff my ass Jimmy, cuz I ain't givin' up a name!
Jimmy: You don't give up a name, the only way you leave here is rolled up in a paper bag.
Sonny: Joe....Jimmy challenged you....you gotta give up the name.
Joe: You got my fur Sonny.
Sonny: Yeah, I got your fur.
Joe: Bow-wow-va. Patsy Bow-wow-va.
Sonny (to Jimmy): You know this Bow-wow-va?
Jimmy: Yeah, everybody knows Bow-wow-va. He's a top dog in Miami.
Sonny: Ok, Jimmy go make your call ... Joe, go play with that little ball with the bell in it.
Joe: Fine! I'll play with the ball!
Later the call comes in for Jimmy.
Jimmy: Yeah, hi Patsy. Yeah, I've been outta the animal shelter three months now. Hey Patsy, this Joe Falcats, ya know him? Ok ... yeah thank you Patsy.
Jimmy (to Sonny): Yeah okay, he checks out.
Joe: Oh, so now I'm a cool cat am I?
Jimmy (to Joe): Hey, come down off your high window sill.
Joe hisses at Jimmy and swats him with his paw ... and Sonny gets between them to break it up.
Sonny: Dat's enough! It's over! Now Jimmy, you passed a meow and you got a denial .... now IT IS DONE!! ... (to Joe): You ok? Den go make us some money so we can buy some new flea collars and some o' dat Fancy Feast, I'm sick o' dat Purina Cat Chow. (to Jimmy): You okay? (to the bartender): Hey, get him some cream!
Posted By: Daddy on 3-19-2001 - 1:04AM
Subject: Re: A future project for Titus?
Your something else.This board is priceless.Where do you come up with this?Goodnite my lovely and talented ladies.
Daddy
Posted By: Gina on 3-19-2001 - 2:25PM
Subject: Perhaps not for Titus but
my tomcat Percy, who swears that his forfathers are from Sicily - he's a British Shorthair by the way, wants to know where to audition for the part as Sonny and whith whom he has to sleep to get that part (he's neutered so whoever the casting kitty is, don't worry!) He especially liked the part with the pigeons.
This stuff is hilarious, Linda.
Posted By: C.D. on 3-20-2001 - 10:37PM
Subject: Re: A future project for Titus?
Listen CBS need to hire you guys to do their writing of scripts. You'll have out done yourselfs with the script of 'FALCATS I love it. This is why I can't stay from this message board.
Posted By: linda/WM/TT2 on 3-19-2001 - 3:26PM
Subject: I can't take all the credit .....
This is what happens when two great minds collide while drinking. I share your praise with my muse and inspiration, the one and only TRAMP-o-line!
"Friends don't let friends drink and post.....or at least they shouldn't!"
Posted By: Titus'Trampoline! on 3-19-2001 - 6:34PM
Subject: Oh yes you can take the credit....
What do you do, tape our phone calls?
Poor sweet Titus...
In my defense, I have a chemical imbalance...Linda on the other hand is completely insane!
(Please tell me you didnt keep the conversation about Laurence and his best friend, "funky white boy"...Im begging you Linda, I may want to marry a politician some day...I dont need the Titus Tapes surfacing the day before the elections!)
Posted By: Sher on 3-19-2001 - 8:44PM
Subject: Re: Oh yes you can take the credit....
Very cute story Linda. Change the mice to rats and you could sell this on broadway. I am wondering if alcohol is the only stimulant here, though.
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Posted By: linda/wm/tt2 on 8-31-2001 - 12:49AM
Subject: Falcats! The Birthday episode
Falcats! Special Birthday episode
The scene takes place in the Kit Kat and Kaboodle Klub where Sonny Meowpoli is arguing with his sex kitten girlfriend Francescat.
Sonny: What do you mean you're sick! You're a normal sex kitten.
Francescat: Sometimes I'm normal and sometimes I'm not. You don't see me when I go off in the twilight zone after a few days of marathon shopping.
Sonny: No, but I've seen the bills!
Francescat: Listen to how I talk!!! Sometimes I talk like a baby, and I have a southern accent! It's scary Sonny, it's really scary. That's why I had to go to the vet today ... and they ran all these tests Sonny. I wanted to cry, you know that!
Sonny: You want me to guess what the vet said?
Francescat: Don't bust my furballs, all right! I've had a very stessful day. I am SICK -- that's what the vet said!
Sonny: Well are you sick like we're gonna have to put you to sleep, or are you sick like you need a distemper shot?
Francescat: Don't MEOW at me, all right! I can't remember just now what the vet said.
Sonny: Did you write it down?
Francescat: Of course I wrote it down ..... what do you think I'm looking for.
Sonny: How are we supposed to know what to do.
Francescat: Don't MEOW at me!
Sonny: What's it sound like?
Francescat: If you give me a minute Sonny I will remember. He said it has something to do with a holiday that begins with a "B."
Sonny: Bastille Day?
Francescat: Bastille Day?!!!! That's good!!! Do I look French to you?!!!!
Sonny: YOU SAID IT STARTED WITH A "B"!!!!!!!!
Francescat: THAT'S NOT THE ONLY HOLIDAY THAT STARTS WITH A "B"!!!!
Sonny: SO GIMME THE RIGHT HOLIDAY THAT STARTS WITH A "B" CAUSE YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!!
Francescat: I'm driving YOU crazy? That's nice.
Sonny: Gimme the vet's name ..... I'll call him.
Francescat: No, no I got it.
Sonny: Good. I'm glad you got the vet's name.
Francescat: No, the disease. It's Annual Acknowlegement of my Age.
Sonny: What the hell is that?
Francescat: It's my Birthday.
Happy Birthday Baby!!
Share the joy that is Titus!!!
http://www.oocities.org/falconefansite/sonny.html
Posted By: Daddy on 9-1-2001 - 12:16AM
Subject: Re: Falcats! The Birthday episode
Dearest Linda,
You may truly kill me yet with this story of Falcats.(laughter)A fitting gift for Titus' little Trampoline.I hope there will be more to come.(smile)Remarkable and imaginative.Thank you darling.I am always guaranteed a smile from my girls.
I posted a birthday wish to our little one before 12 but it is showing up under tomorrows post.Please make sure she knows that I was here on time.After the cold shoulder I received over the last two I felt it necessary to make these events important priorities in my day.(smile)I will post as my time allows but know that I am here each and every day.
Love and laughter to all my ladies
Daddy
Posted By: Francesca on 9-1-2001 - 10:31AM
Subject: Don't encourage her Daddy!
I just saw your post for my B'day Daddy, Thanks for being there...as for Falcats yes Linda did a great job. So great that all I can see when I watch Falcone is the Falcats gang!
Eeeeeeek
Posted By: linda/wm/tt2 on 9-2-2001 - 9:29PM
Subject: Re: Falcats! The Birthday episode
Dearest Daddy,
Forgive my tardiness in responding to your recent post. I had misplaced my dictionary/thesaurus and found myself in a bit of a dilemma. Had I acted immediately, I may have responded erroneously, thus causing you unnecessary angst. I chose instead to spend a significant amount of my limited free time to conduct a search of my den/office area for the elusive reference guides and can happily report that the volumes have been recovered!! Now that I have been able to successfully translate your most recent posts, I feel comfortable in relaying the following messages to you.
Thanks! and Welcome Back! I so enjoy reading your messages to us. Even though they can sometimes be an exercise in grammar, vocabulary, and punctuation, they always bring a smile to my face and never disappoint. You're forgiven ...... again.
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Subject: Linda, please, I'm sorry...
Posted on 1/3/2004 at 10:16:46 PM by Francesca
Linda,
We both know how cheap you are and I can't wait any longer... sorry about the
E-bay thingy but I panicked!
(It's the Big T, we can't take any chances ya know)
Why does he look so Napoli considering he doesn't relate to the "character"
Hmmmm
Please forgive me, you know I love you beyond and above! (but it's him)
Love ya
Deetch
(AKA Francesca)
Subject: Re(1): Linda, please, I'm sorry...
Posted on 1/3/2004 at 10:30:46 PM by Francesca
Linda,
I swear I would never do this to you on anything else, you have to know that!
But a new head shot on the Big guy...c'mon, you know I was looking out for us
both...
Linda...
Linda...
C'mon...
If it had gone higher than $150.76, wouldn't you have died?
Please forgive me...
I know the Tramp rules but it's also a rule that you don't let him into enemy
hands right?
Please pet me again
Deetch
(aka Frank)
Subject: Falcats are back!
Posted on 1/4/2004 at 04:39:36 PM by linda/wm/tt2
The scene opens at the Kit Kat and Kaboodle Lounge where sex kitten Francescat
is meeting with her best kitty pal Lindabelle, the well-behaved and much-loved
pet house cat, for a couple of Cosmopolitans.
Lindabelle enters looking very sad and full of despair, head held down and tail
dragging behind her.
Francescat: Oh God, look at you.
Lindabelle: I’m all right …. Want a cookie? I made them this morning.
Francescat: The Titus picture… you know? Got any chocolate chips?
Lindabelle: Yeah.
Lindabelle: Lemme ask you….. Did you tell anybody?
Francescat: Tell anybody what?
Lindabelle: That I was bidding on that new headshot of Titus on Ebay.
Francescat: No….. no.
Lindabelle: Francescat, please don’t lie to me. You told somebody. Here, have
another cookie.
Francescat: No I didn’t Lindabelle. What are you talking about? Mmmmm, these
almond biscotti are good.
Lindabelle: Oh! It was you! You bid on that picture at the last minute and won
the auction away from me!
Francescat: What’d I do? Lindabelle, what’d I do?!
Lindabelle, realizing her best friend has done the ultimate Titus betrayal,
slowly gathers up the plate of cookies, turns, and walks out of the bar, never
looking back.
All the while, Francescat, realizing what she has done, calls to her friend to
come back … and to bring the cookies with her.
Francescat: “Lindabelle!…….Puh-leeeeeeeze,” she whines.
Francescat: Lindabelle!…….Puh-leeeeeeeze… I panicked!
Francescat: Lindabelle!…….Puh-leeeeeeeze. …. Puh-leeeeeeeze come back!
Francescat: I panicked!
Subject: She's dead to me....
Posted on 1/4/2004 at 05:02:06 PM by linda/wm/tt2 (meow!)
Later that day…
Lindabelle, the well-behaved and much-loved pet house cat, meets her other
friend, Cee Dee, at the Kit Kat and Kaboodle Lounge.
Cee Dee: Lindabelle, I want to talk to you.
Lindabelle: What do you want to talk to me about.
CD: It’s about Francescat.
Lindabelle: (holding up a paw…) Leave it alone CD, that brat is dead to me.
CD: Lindabelle, I know I’m crossing the line here. I know you love Titus, right?
Lindabelle: You know I do.
CD: And you’d grab up one of them pictures of him if you could.
Lindabelle: In a heartbeat, what’s your point?
CD: Francescat feels the same way. She’d do anything she could to get her paws
on anything Titus related, especially a brand new head shot of him lookin’ all
Napoli with the fat cheecks and the smoldering good looks that you could toast a
marshmallow over. Lindabelle, she’s your best friend…. she panicked!
Lindabelle: I appreciate what you’re doing, but don’t ever talk to me about her.
Don’t ever meow her name. You understand?
CD: C’mon Lindabelle. Think about it. You cut her off now, change your mind
later, and it could be too late. She could end up in an animal shelter
somewhere.
Lindabelle: Ya know something CD, the only friends I got left are right here on
this message board. Meow!
Subject: Re(1): She's dead to me....
Posted on 1/5/2004 at 03:07:52 PM by C.D.
Linda this is good very good. I am without words at this time, I am trying to
come down with the flu.
Subject: (blink, blink, blink)
Posted on 1/5/2004 at 01:11:36 AM by The Titus lov'ah
Woman, you have completely lost your mind! How early did you start drinking
today anyway? (or did you not stop from last night)
What do you say to me on every bid regarding Titus stuff? Huh? Do you or do you
not ask me to cover you (which I always do...ALWAYS)
How was last night any different from the night we had the "episode" with the
other Big T head shot?
Remember this:
L: now when I tell you to go, you go run the bid up...
F: okay...
L: go...
F: (bling)
L: ...run the bid at the last minute, not before
F: uh oh
L: what?
F: you said go so I went
L: you what!?
F: you said go...
L: I was telling you to wait and see before you went
F: you said to go on go so I went..
L: good lord!
L: well, there's a couple of minutes left, I can take the bid back. How high did
you bid?
F: Uhhhh...
L: how high, I want to outbid you?
F: 300...
L: WHAT!?
L: DOLLARS!?
F: and 76 cents
L: what's wrong with you!?
F: but it's a Titus thing...
L: you could buy Titus and his thing with that amount!!
(End Of Auction)
Didn't I have the seller send the pic directly to you?
(FYI, I sent your address earlier today for this too)
I was only protecting the Titus merchandise and you go and turn me into DeeDee,
call me a brat and have me ending up in a shelter!
Ehhhhhhhh (hand flip)
At least CD still loves me.
In my head I was protecting the Welliver and covering you at the same
time...(killing two birds with one rock as After Hours Ernie says)
Besides, you never stay mad at me anyway...you let me get away with every Titus
tantrum I pull and you know it!
So technically this is your fault...
Yep...all your fault!
Subject: Re(1): (blink, blink, blink)
Posted on 1/5/2004 at 01:29:57 PM by Daddy
I truly enjoy watching the tramps at play. (smile)
I should have known not to ingest fluids while reading this blog. I have once
again sprayed the screen. (rotflmao)
Lindabelle,
I may not comprehend the degree of suffering you endure with the titus trials
and tribulations at the hand of our Little one but I do empathize.
However, in Francesca's defense, we do encourage this behavior therefore we are
the responsible party, not she.
In lieu of punishment, why don’t you and I have a drink and allow the little one
to run, jump, play and buy titus items until she tires herself out. How long
could she actually last? (smile)
After all, she is on our side. Otherwise, we will have to sleep in shifts and I
am getting too old for that. (laughter)
Linda dear,
The grapevine says titus is working. I suggest you rest while you can. (smile)
All my best,
Daddy
ps. Did you save any cookies for me? (laughing)
G’Nite Ladies
Daddy
Subject: Re(2): (blink, blink, blink)
Posted on 1/5/2004 at 03:01:38 PM by C.D.
Daddy you bring good news and glad tiding for the new year if the grapevine is
correct about Titus working again. You have made my day.
to daddy man
Posted on 1/6/2004 at 08:04:46 PM by linda/wm/tt2
I'm not even going to ask which end you sprayed with. It's enough for me to know
that you did. Marking your territory I assume.
I see that you are once again trying to get me liquored up so you can let the
little brat run loose, and i do mean loose!
I saved you some cookies. But you better be nice to me or you'll find them in
the bushes with your boxers. Better check the shrubs before knocking.
But seriously, what's this about Titus working. What's he doing, where's he
working, What do you know, what, what, what. Spill it man!
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