issuefour

TOP 10 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD THROW YOUR SUPPORT FROM THE GSEU TO THE FLA

10. Our new campaign slogan: “A Free Beer in every hand.”

9. Our supporters don’t send out long, angry, and pointless messages to the GHA—who are these people and why are they wasting our time?

8. We actually claim to be orchestrated by a small, secret cadre of zealots.

7. We do not represent the labor of other employees on campus, and are not seeking to establish a monopoly on all labor at Columbia.

6. We have also made unrealistic demands that the administration will ignore.

5. Our better color scheme and symbol: Red and Black are much better than Blue and Grey and the fist just screams anger and rebellion!

4. Our organization costs nothing to join and will affect similar results.

3. Girls, Girls, Girls.

2. We are graduate students first and revolutionaries second. Does anyone at the GSEU get anything done during the year?

1. Our recruiting tactics do not parallel those of a religious cult—“If I could just talk to you, touch you a little, make you feel at one with our cause, then I am sure that you will see that you agree with/believe in _________ (fill in the cause or deity of your choice).”

Fayerweather Intelligence cracks secret code! GSEU/UAW acronym reveals hostile plot!

Morningside Heights: In a secret location, under the cover of darkness, the crack code cracking staff of the Fayerweather Liberation Army has uncovered disturbing information. After watching hours of Scooby-Do re-runs on Cartoon Network, and using only a Captain Crunch decoder wheel, the Intelligence Division of the Fayerweather Liberation Army has proven that the GSEU/UAW is a counter-revolutionary front.

“I spun the decoder wheel a couple of times,” said an intelligence staffer, “and I looked at what we had already, and it reminded me of the scramble board on Soul Train.”

The first attempt to unscramble the code resulted in “We Are Undergrads Using Everyone’s Stipends Greedily.” This was a reversal of the acronym WAU/UESG, and seemed to be much too simplistic for the cunning union organizers.

Code breakers then numbered the letters in the following fashion. G is 1, S is 2, E is 3, and so on up to W, the letter assigned 7. This was a crucial step, but the turn came when decoders realized that they could actually manipulate the letters in different combinations.

Using the number of years that a graduate student can be enrolled in the program, and assigning a level of difficulty to each of these years, the following order was determined.

W (Year 7: the last recognized year of study; time to get a job!).
A (Year 6: The last stage of the dissertation process)
U (Year 5: Writing the dissertation)
E (Year 3: Orals)
G (Year 1: Funding, coursework, and stress dominate this year)
S (Year 2: Coursework, Orals list preparation)
U (Year 4: Dissertation prospectus)

With order set at WAUEGSU, the truth was finally revealed. “With A Union Everyone Gets Screwed Unconditionally.”

Touched by an Engels:
(A true story from the Minister of Doctrinal Hegemony)

On a morning, in the not so distant past, I was sitting alone in the beloved Graduate Student lounge. Immersed in work, dreaming of a better future, I felt not one, but two hands caress both my arms. They had come in from opposite directions - I was trapped. Two luscious sirens, trying to entice me away from work, perhaps? Two buxom Bavarian beer maidens, here to slake my growing thirst? Would my fervent prayers be answered? With a hopeful pause, I looked up to see...two faces, pale from a lack of sunlight, effete from too many debates over the proper place of the Feuerbach Theses among the cannon of Marxist literature, and unshaven, perhaps in protest of Gillette's unethical practices vis-à-vis migrant workers from Papua New Guinea. My gaze continued until I saw two buttons, emblazoned with a now all too familiar logo. The words of T.S. Eliot rushed to my mind, "And in short, I was afraid." In unison, their speech effecting a faux-Oxbridge accent, they asked, "We just want to talk to you about something very important to graduate students. You don't have to think about the philosophical question of whether or not we are employees or apprentices, you should just join." I stammered, fearing that my words would only draw them in, "I have a lot of work to do right now, can we discuss this sometime later?" They replied, "But the time for unionization is now!" It was at that moment that I first knew the terror of being touched by an Engels.

Cabinet Denounces GSEU As "Counter-Revolutionary:" FLA To Offer Free Enemas
“Lip Service... Is the Best Service”

The FLA Minister of Propaganda released the following statement to thepress earlier today:

"Comrades in the struggle, the Third Letter of the Name has been Spoken! While their lawyers man the ramparts, ours will ram their manparts! Too long we have watched and waited while the GSEU/UAW employ their evil strategies of 'triangulation' and American so-called democracy. It is time that the truth be known.

The GSEU/UAW are counter-revolutionary slaves in the employ of the
imperialist pig scum running the slave-labor factories that made the shoes that sit on the feet of the vile bastards who keep us down! They claim to be the voice of the peoples' left. Instead, they are the voice the people left. Down with their lies!

Our enemies demand that we come forward and reveal our true identities. One amongst you has already spoken more accurately than you can possibly imagine. We quote the words of the Oracle, Ramzi Rouighi: 'In medieval Europe, people, even kings, were known by their names but also by some nickname that often described them physically: gimp, dwarf, one-eyed, cross-eyed, bold and the list goes on.'

The One-Eyed Cross-Eyed Minister of Column #5 has announced his attention to award Comrade Rouighi the Order of the Shackles and Chains, First Class, with Merit Badge. The Minister began his statement by quoting another of Rouighi's utterances:

'"I find the FLA to be the purest form of anti-union sentiment BECAUSE its writings are not mediated by lingo and only pay lip service to grammar and syntax. The FLA is evidence that no
reasoned arguments are required when one is anti-union."

I want to gesticulate the constipation of this oraculation,' the Minister
continued. 'Roughi's formulations are nearly a fornification! Lingo?
Pachinko! Lip service... is the best service!'

Comrades, to continue their charade of representing the populist
revolutionary popular radical vangard (PRPRV) the GSEU/UAW has set on their list of demands that the 'university' increase our American so-called 'health-care'. To show that they (the PRPRV) are but shadows and dust, we, the Fayerweather Liberation Army -- the military wing of the Fayerweather Liberation Movement -- do ordain and establish the FLAAC, the Fayerweather Liberation Army's Liberation Clinic.

The Liberation Clinic will specialize in free bleeding, leeches, cure by
fire, and free enemas on demand. After all, when you've been talking shit,you feel like everyone knows it! The key is in the cupcake."

End Transmission