Remove head from sphincter... then drive!
~ Cat Stratford, 10 Things I Hate About You

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
~ John F. Kennedy

Decide what your priorities are and how much time you'll spend on them. If you don't, someone else will.
~ Harvey MacKay, SAM's Club Source

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.
~ Napoleon Bonaparte

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.
~ Sir Winston Churchill

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
~ Al Capone

The trick to flying is throwing yourself at the floor and missing.
~ Douglas Adams

If everyone driving faster than you is a maniac, and everyone driving slower than you is an idiot, you can convert maniacs into idiots by driving as fast as possible.
~ Rachel Blubaugh

If you're going to dance with the devil, you've got to be prepared to pay the price: he's definitely going to try to cop a feel. That's just the way the dude's wired up.
~ Andy Ihnatko

Here's a travel tip: When you visit a foreign country, you don't need bring along extra sugar. And you definitely don't need to bring it in large, duct-taped plastic bags.
~ John Gephart IV

Tip: If you go to the nakednews.com site, close the window as soon as you hear them say, "And now a word from Andy Rooney..."
~ Anthony Myers

What is popular is not always right, but it usually keeps you from getting your ass kicked.
~ Josh the Rocket

Travel advice: Never ride on the moving walkway at an airport, because if it breaks down, you could be stuck for hours before help arrives to walk you to safety.
~ J. Hutter

I think a good way to cheat on an exam would be to write all the answers on your penis, because any professor who catches you staring at your penis during an exam is probably going to look the other way.
~ Michael Wagner (Note: Contrary to certain rumors, the webmistress is not properly equipped to try this one out...)

You don't want one of those repulsive little yapping 'lap'-style dogs that look like fur-covered insects, because the burglar will simply stuff it down the garbage disposal.
~ Dave Barry

If you ever get pulled over by a cop and accidentally call him an insulting name, take it from me, "I'm sorry, officer, it's just the booze talking" is not the best excuse.
~ Dave Brennan

When in Rome, it's okay to do as the Romans do, but when in Egypt, don't even think about doing that Bangles walk thing because you will get your ass kicked.
~ Bob Van Voris

Porcupine meat makes terrific appetizers because it comes with its own toothpicks.
~ Alan Selk

Trust me on this one: Challenging someone to a duel by slapping them with a glove is far more effective if you fill the glove with loose change first.
~ Gina DeJong

"If you can't beat 'em, join 'em," my mom always said. Join 'em in what? Being beaten? Woo hoo, thanks, Mom!
~ Deonna Turner