To all the folks who like to criticize me, I say only one thing: it is easier to say something critical than it is to say something while tied up in my trunk.
~ Nick DeCamp

When I travel through a big city and I see the dark, seedy underbelly of society, I like to rub it because that makes society go to sleep. Just precious.
~ Nick DeCamp

You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
~ Unknown

I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
~ Unknown

The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
~ Unknown (but I know this one has a known quoter)

What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
~ Unknown

I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
~ Unknown

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
~ John Gephart

Some people are only alive because it is illegal to kill.
~ Unknown

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
~ Unknown

Black holes are where God divided by zero.
~ Steven Wright

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.
~ General George Patton

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.
~ Ross MacDonald

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.
~ Adlai Stevenson

Hell is paved with good Samaritans.
~ William M. Holden

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do like, and the eyesight to tell the damn difference.
~ Unknown

Show me a jogger, and I'll show you a person with a thing for pain.
~ Garfield, by Jim Davis

If someone wants to commit suicide, I think the only permissible method should be bludgeoning. To beat yourself to death with a bowling trophy, you've really got to want it.
~ Bob Van Voris

If there were no gravity, we'd all go flying off into space and die. On the other hand, it would probably be easier to get my car keys out of this storm drain.
~ Joseph Moore

If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie, it might be amoré, but I'd be more worried about the interplanetary gravitational effects from this cataclysmic event.
~ Paul Paternoster

Satan's toolbox, the computer. Part of Gate's evil Zionist plan for world domination.
~ Nocturne

When I die, I want to be turned into a pinata. They could hang me from a tree and blindfolded little kids could hit me with a stick, and the first one to bust me open gets to keep whatever's inside. Maybe I'll even eat a puppy or something first.
~ Adrienne Zercher

There's nothing quite like fireworks, unless you count hitting a lightning bug at night with the Weedeater.
~ Justyn Miller

I thought learning to play the bagpipes was hard, until I realized I was just strangling an ostrich.
~ Craig Stacey

Then all of a sudden it hit me: I should have hung that ceiling fan higher.
~ Daniel Bokor

When I'm at a Chinese restaurant having a hard time with chopsticks, I always hope that there's a Chinese kid at an American restaurant somewhere who's struggling mightily with a fork.
~ Rick Budinich

I'd probably like my doctor a bit more if he wouldn't walk around humming "Another One Bites the Dust" all the time.
~ Kristy Baxter

Why doesn't anyone bottle water in Summer, Fall, or Winter?
~ Tim Chambers

...I have done a great many things myself over the years, and in every case I have ultimately come to realize that I would have been better off if I had just walked around my house firing random shotgun blasts.
~ Dave Barry

I'm willing to bet that the guy who accidentally discovered popcorn immediately soiled his mammoth-fur undies.
~ Tom Ostad

It's not hard to dispose of a body. Now, meeting people in the first place -- THAT'S the hard part!
~ Simon Unger

I just got some horrible news: My new coworker is S.O.B. positive.
~ Jim Rosenberg

I took a bunch of pictures while on my vacation in Canada. Due to the exchange rate, however, they're each only worth about 700 words.
~ Wiley

I think a good name for a horror movie would be, "The Bitchening." I'm not sure what the monster would look like, but I bet it would act a lot like my ex-wife.
~ Wes Nessmann

I bet the exclamation mark was derived from the shape of the excrement cavemen left on the trail when something scared 'em real bad!
~ Andy Pierson

If I ever won the lottery, I'd probably buy a tank and just spend my days running over stuff.
~ John Gephart

I bet they call it "tooth paste" cause it's made out of real teeth.
~ Andy Pierson

I thought working for myself would be great, but it's not. Tomorrow, I have to fire myself for sexually harassing myself. But it's my own fault -- I warned myself, but I just wouldn't stop.
~ Gary Timm

I recently started eating a healthier diet -- not so much for my own well being, but so that if I'm ever autopsied and they check the contents of my stomach, the medical examiner won't think I'm a complete pig.
~ Scott Carpenter

...and that's when I flashed a wry smile, pointed at the image on the screen, and said, "Ceci n'est pas une pipe bomb." But I guess not everyone understands puns about Rene Magritte surrealist masterpieces because five airport cops dragged me right away from that X-ray scanner without so much as a giggle.
~ Andy Ihnatko

Whenever I meet someone who's lost an eye, I like to ask if they at least enjoyed the fun and games part.
~ Bob Van Voris

When a guy says, "I need more space," it confuses me. What's the matter with all that space between his ears?
~ Linda Rollins

Back when I was in high school, my guidance counselor once asked me what I was going to be when I grew up. To be a smartass, I told him I would be a crack whore. Turns out I should have told him I would be a psychic.
~ John Smiley