Laker Jim's 1984 Fletch Script

FLETCH SCRIPT
(section 4)

For the first time on the net...

Laker Jim's Fletch Won Homepage presents Fletch Fans everywhere the 1984 Fletch Script.

A New Section will be added every FRIDAY

(This is not for reprint or sale. This script is solely for entertainment or educational purposes only...enjoy)

FLETCH SCRIPT PART 10 - Don't call me Irwin (260-A) to The END

Click here to Listen to the Fletch Midi while you read

FLETCH SCRIPT CONTINUED...

115 EXT. SWARTHOUT REALTY - NIGHT

Fletch stops his car in front of the ranch-style house. A lighted sign in the yard indicate that this is indeed Swarthout Realty, but the house is dark; no one appears to be home. Somewhere in the yard a dog barks viciously, frantically.

116 DOG

A killer Doberman is tied up behind a chain link fence. At the sight of the intruding Fletch, the dog's lip is practically over his nose, his fangs are poised and gleaming.

117 FLETCH

FLETCH
(getting out of his car)
What's your name fella? Fluff? Pom-pom?

118 DOG

completely bananas.

119 FLETCH

Fletch reaches the front door and looks around. He rings the bell. The dog yowls even louder. Fletch waits. And waits. He rings again. Satisfied that no one is home, he tries the front door. Of course, it is locked. He takes out a credit card, starts to jimmy the lock, and actually seems to be making progress when his credit card snaps in half.

FLETCH
Sh*t.

He pockets the broken credit card, steps back and looks over the house for another possible point of entry.

120 FLETCH'S POINT OF VIEW - AN UPSTAIRS WINDOW

Double-hung. Slightly warped, so that the upper half does not exactly true with the lower half.

121 FLETCH

looks around to see how to climb up to it.

122 MASTER

There's only one way. Climb up the side of the chain link fence which separates him from the murderous dog. Fletch approaches it warily. The dog is practically foaming. Fletch reaches out a hand to get a hold of the fence, and the dog just about rips the fence apart.

FLETCH
(in his best Barbara Woodhouse)
Sit-tuh!

This has no effect, so Fletch backs up a few yards, take a deep breath for courage and makes a headlong running start for the fence, using his momentum to get to the top before the dog eats him. He grabs hold and scrambles wildly for the top. He makes it.

FLETCH
Roll over. Play dead. Good boy.

Fletch now grabs hold of the eave on the side of the house, and very carefully pulls himself onto it. It's only about ten feet from there to the vulnerable window, but the angle of the eave is rather steep, and the going is treacherous. As he makes his way, he keeps a wary eye on the dog who keeps leaping up, seemingly getting closer and closer to taking a giant bite out of Fletch's backside.

FLETCH
You any relation to Doctor Dolan?

Now he's at the window. He tries to open it, but despite it's warped appearance from the ground, it is locked. Fletch looks at the lock and can't believe it. He sighs. He shakes his head. He smashes the window with his elbow.

FLETCH
I hate this.

He climbs into the darkened house, leaving the enraged dog to run furiously around the fenced in yard that surrounds the house.

123 INT SWARTHOUT'S HOUSE - UPSTAIRS - NIGHT

Fletch tiptoes though the upstairs bedroom and down the stairs. From outside, he can still hear the dog snarling and barking.

124 INT. SWARTHOUT'S HOUSE - DOWNSTAIRS - NIGHT

As Fletch passes through the living room he sees the dog snarling at him through the living room window.

125 INT. SWARTHOUT'S DEN - NIGHT

Fletch enters and looks around.

The dog is now outside the den window.

FLETCH
Make sure nobody comes in, okay?

He goes to the file cabinet and opens it.

He flips through the "S" section. "Stanwyk". He pulls it. He thumbs through various documents until he finds what he's looking for. A copy of a deed. He pulls it out.

125-A INSERT - DEED - CLOSE ON THE PURCHASE PRICE

Three Thousand Dollars.

FLETCH (O.S.)
So much for your three million dollar ranch.

126 FLETCH

takes out a tiny document camera -- the kind spies use in the movies -- and loads it fumblingly. Then he props the deed up on top of the file cabinet, and moves a lamp into position to light it. Just as he snaps his first shot, we hear a terrible crashing sound.

127 WINDOW

The murderous Doberman has made a crashing leap right through the den window, sending glass flying everywhere, and he streaks across the room to rip Fletch into bite-sized shreds.

128 MASTER

Fletch bolts and the dog flies into the file cabinet, knocking it over, scattering all the files over the floor. Fletch dashes for the nearest door, and runs through it just as the dog slams into it.

129 INT. KITCHEN

Fletch is now holed up in the kitchen, panting to catch his breath, feeling the full course of adrenaline pumping through his terrified veins. He sees that he can get to his car by climbing through the window. But in order to get to the window he has to let go of the door, and that would allow the dog to get in.

Looking around frantically, holding the door shut against the furious slamming of the dog, he reaches for and finally grabs a mop which he props under the door knob, thus keeping the door shut. Letting go of the door gingerly, he satisfies himself that the dog cannot get in, and he makes his break for the window.

He vaults up onto the counter top and is just about to break the window when he sees that the dog's continued efforts are about to result in opening the door.

Fletch knows he has only seconds. Standing on top of the counter, he opens the door of the restaurant-sized refrigerator next to him, and just as the snarling dog bursts into the room Fletch starts hurling food at it. A pot roast, sliced turkey with stuffing, a couple of filet mignons. The dog is momentarily distracted. Fletch pours a large bucket of cranberry sauce on the dog.

FLETCH
Suck on this Cujo!

Then he dumps an equally large bucket of mashed potatoes. With the dog temporarily vision-impaired, Fletch bolts.

130 EXT. SWARTHOUT HOUSE - NIGHT

Fletch runs as fast as humanly possible towards his car, fishing for his keys as he goes. The dog -- having shaken off the people-food from his hateful face -- is seconds behind and closing.

Fletch makes it to his car, hops inside, and slams the door just as the dog leaps furiously at the windshield.

131 INT. FLETCH'S CAR

Fletch makes it to his car, huffing and puffing. The dog jumps across the closed window, snarling and bug-eyed with hatred.

Fletch smiles, waves at the dog, and starts taking its picture with his little camera.

FLETCH
Gimme a smile! There you go...oh, that's a nice one...
(starting the car)
Everything's fine, now...go take a little nap....

Fletch is ready to pull out, but the dog is still leaping madly at the window. Fletch points back to the house.

FLETCH
Look! Defenseless babies!

The dog turns to look and Fletch guns it.

FLETCH
That dog is such an A**hole.

132 EXT. FLETCH'S APARTMENT HOUSE - DAY

Fletch parks his car halfway up on the curb, steps out carrying a small overnight bag. He is unshaven and looks beat.

133 INT. APARTMENT HOUSE - CORRIDOR

Fletch comes down the hall signing "Billie Jean" is an excruciating falsetto.

FLETCH
'Bil-lie, Bil-lie...'

He opens the door to his apartment and is immediately thrown to the ground.

134 INT. APARTMENT

Fletch is spread-eagled on the floor. Two huge Cops are over him, one holding a gun to his head, the other going through his clothes.

COP #1
(feeling the inseam of Fletch's trousers)
Oh, what's this?

FLETCH
If I took that out, you guys couldn't fit in here.

COP #1
Funny boy. Look at this....

He produces a heroin bag.

COP#2
Looks like heroin, Gene.

FLETCH
You just planted that.

Cop #1 kicks Fletch in the ribs.

COP#2
What'd you say?

FLETCH
Read me my rights.

COP #1
Okay. You have the right to remain silent. You
have the right to be kicked in the face by me.
You have the rights to have your balls stomped.
You have the ---

FLETCH
Hold it! I'll waive my rights.

135 EXT. PRECINT HOUSE

Fletch is lead into the precinct house.

136 INT. PRECINT HOUSE

The Sergeant at the desk checks Fletch out.

SERGEANT
Who we booking here, gentlemen?

COP #1
No booking. Chief wants a talk with the boy.

SERGEANT
Oh Yeah?
(smiles at Fletch)
You'll like the Chief. Nice man.

FLETCH
I hear he's mellowed a lot since he came out of the closet.

SERGEANT
I find he gets real mellow after he hits somebody a lot.

137 DOOR TO CHIEF'S OFFICE - CHIEF'S OFFICE

The cops open the door, pull Fletch inside. Chief Cummings, looking like a modern executive, looks up from his paperwork.

COP #1
Here he is Chief.

They roughly throw Fletch into a chair. The Chief -- seemingly oblivious to this brutality -- smiles sincerely.

CUMMINGS
Easy fellas.
(To Fletch friendly)
Be with you in just a second.

The two Cops leave. As Chief Cummings continues with his paperwork Fletch looks around the office, which is decorated tastefully -- no guns on the wall, no American flags. On one wall there is a Matisse, and on another, various photos of the Chief with local celebrities.

FLETCH
You decorate this yourself or did Mrs. Chief of
Police help you?

CUMMINGS
(laughs)
You should have seen what she wanted to do
with the place. Mauve.
(shakes his head and pushes his papers aside)
So what's your name?

FLETCH
Fletch.

CUMMINGS
Full name.

FLETCH
Fletch F. Fletch

CUMMINGS
(skeptical but patient)
I see. And what do you do for a living,
Mr. Fletch?

FLETCH
I'm President of the International Fletch Corporation.

Cummings just stares at Fletch.

CUMMINGS
Why are you doing this Mr. Fletch?

FLETCH
Frankly sir, you look a little like my father. Probaly
explains the curious feeling of love I have for you.

CUMMINGS
For a gentleman who was just found holding a bag
full of heroin....

FLETCH
It was planted on me, sir.

CUMMINGS
We're looking at five years, maybe ten. Is that
what you want...Jane Doe?

He suddenly kicks Fletch's chair out from under him. Fletch falls to the floor.

CUMMINGS
Your editor called me yesterday to respond to allegations
you're about to print about police involvement in narcotics dealing.

Fletch starts to get up, but Cummings plants his foot on Fletch's chest, forces him back down.

CUMMINGS
I'm about to break that beach wide open, and I don't
need some pennyante Woodward and Bernstein getting in
the way of my men.

FLETCH
'Your men' might just be involved in all this.

CUMMINGS
You idiot. Off the record, deep background:
I've got that beach crawling with undercover cops.

Cummings picks Fletch up, and holds him by the lapels.

CUMMINGS
If you keep nosing around, you make the bad guys just
a little bit more cautious. That makes my job harder.
And if you print your story this week, you might get
some of my men killed. I can't let that happen, Mr. Fletch.

He throws Fletch against the wall of celebrity photos, some of which fall to the floor.

CUMMINGS
You go back to that goddamn beach, I swear to God I'll
make you regret it.

FLETCH
(picks up a picture)
Hey, you and Tommy Lasorda. That's great.

Fletch takes the picture and hurls it across the room. It smashes into the opposite wall and shatters.

FLETCH
I don't like Tommy Lasorda.

138
and OMITTED
139

140 JAIL CORRIDOR

Fletch is tossed into an empty cell by the two Cops who brought him in. Cummings watches. The two Cops leave, and we see that all the cells in this corridor are empty.

FLETCH
You can't keep me here.

CUMMINGS
Maybe I'm not going to keep you here.
(takes out a gun)
Maybe I'm gonna blow your brains out.

FLETCH
I'm no lawyer, but I do believe that's a violation of my rights.

The Chief takes a knife out of his pocket, holding it with a handkerchief.

CUMMINGS
After I shoot you, I stick the knife in my arm, then
place it in your dead hand. Self-defense. We don't do this
very much anymore...but we have. Got rid of a lot of
minorities that way.

FLETCH
My God, you're serious.

CUMMINGS
Ask anybody.

FLETCH
Can I ask anybody now?

Cummings looks down the corridor. Deserted.

FLETCH
Can I call my Mom? I'd like to tell here how much
I've always loved her.

CUMMINGS
(cocks the gun)
What'll it be Fletch?

Fletch looks in Cummings' eyes. They are steely and cold. He is quite serious.

FLETCH
I hate the beach. Wouldn't go there if you paid me.
Besides, I'm way overdue on my story about off-track
betting in the Himalayas. You don't think it's the mafia,
do you?

CUMMINGS
(opening the cell)
Its been very nice meeting you. I enjoy your column.

Fletch walks out of the cell. Cummings walks with him through the empty corridor to the exit.

CUMMINGS
(very chummy)
Speaking of which, you're not going to print
anything before my investigation is through, are you?

FLETCH
Not a prayer.

CUMMINGS
That a boy.

The emerge into the main hallway of the police station, which is filled with officers and civilians. Cummings makes a show of cordially shaking Fletch's hand as if they were old friends.

CUMMINGS
Thanks for coming down to see us.

FLETCH
Not at all, Chief. But next time...no tongue, okay?

Exit Fletch.

141
thru OMITTED
147

148 INT. NEWSPAPER OFFICE

Fletch is railing at Frank Walker.

FLETCH
How could you call him?

WALKER
It's called journalism, Fletch. It's called getting
both sides of the story. Something you apparently don't
know anything about.

FLETCH
It's also called getting me this close to being murdered.

WALKER
Get out of here.

FLETCH
He threw me in a cell, took a gun and a knife and
threatened to kill me right there if I didn't
promise to give up the story.

WALKER
You know, I've had it up to here with your
bullsh*t. I need a story from you by tomorrow.

FLETCH
You'll have it.

WALKER
But not unsubstantiated charges about dope-dealing
cops, and not horse sh*t paranoid fantasies about
homicidal police chiefs.

FLETCH
(exiting)
Thanks for the vote of confidence, Frank.

WALKER
(calling after him)
I want something I can print!

FLETCH
(giving him the finger)
Print this Frank.

Exit Fletch.

CONTINUED IN SECTION 5

HOME - NEWS - PICS - SOUNDS - FLETCH - FLETCH LIVES - ALIASES - CHEVY CHASE- JASON LEE - LINKS
1984 SCRIPT - DRAW FLETCH - FLETCH SE & FLETCH LIVES DVD PETITIONS - INTERVIEWS - FLETCH WON
FLETCH STORE - IN MEMORY OF PHIL HARTMAN - MOOOOOOOON RIVER CHAT - FLETCH MAILING LIST