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ACT 2
(THE ORDERLY ROOM. GREENIE IS POKING AT THE TYPEWRITER WITH A SCREW DRIVER. IN THE END OF THE SCREWDRIVER IS AN EXPLOSIVE DEVICE MADE FROM A MATCH HEAD AND A DRAWING PIN. HE PICKS UP THE PHONE, TURNS THE HANDLE AND WAITS) GREENIE Ah. Four one three thanks. Hello, Pete. You know those flag poles you wanted. You can pick 'em up any time. That's right. Two big white ones and two short red ones. Right. See you. (HANGS UP. FRED ENTERS) FRED NERTZ Good morning Greenie. GREENIE (QUICKLY HIDES THE SCREWDRIVER) Fred. On the bludge, are you? FRED NERTZ What a horrible thing to suggest. GREENIE What can I do for you then? FRED NERTZ Well actually I am on the bludge. GREENIE What for? FRED NERTZ I want a body to clean up the canteen. GREENIE What happened to the rostered body? FRED NERTZ You tell me. He never fronted. (GREENIE DIGS OUT THE ROSTER) GREENIE Tussack. His tour finished. He's gone back to Australia. FRED NERTZ What some people will do to get out of work. So what do I do for a body? GREENIE Go across to Tech Troop and grab Norse. He's due for a work party. If Sergeant Hampster argues, refer him to me. FRED NERTZ Thanks. GREENIE Alright. Keep your head down when you go out. FRED NERTZ Why? GREENIE There's a sniper in the swamp. FRED NERTZ A sniper? Bullshit. GREENIE True. I'd stay away from the fence if I were you. FRED NERTZ A sniper. Here in the middle of Vung Tau in broad daylight. Pull the other leg. GREENIE Suit yourself. (FRED TURNS AWAY AND GREENIE EXPLODES HIS DEVICE BY DROPPING HIS SCREWDRIVER ONTO IT'S HANDLE. IT GIVES OFF A CONVINCING BANG) FRED NERTZ Shit. (DIVES UNDER THE TABLE, THEN SEES THE SCREWDRIVER) Ho ho. Very funny. GREENIE Got you going though. FRED NERTZ Here. GREENIE Thanks. (SLIPS THE SCREWDRIVER INTO A DRAWER) (BITZER ENTERS) BITZER What the hell was that noise. GREENIE What noise, S.S.M. Did you hear anything Fred? FRED NERTZ No. BITZER Don't do it again. Haven't you got any work to do? FRED NERTZ Yes sir. BITZER Well get on with it. FRED NERTZ Yes sir. See you. (EXITS) BITZER Have you got next weeks picket roster made out? GREENIE Not yet, sir. BITZER Then I suggest you get on with it. (BITZER WAITS TILL GREENIE IS WORKING THEN EXITS. GREENIE PULLS OUT A PHANTOM COMIC. |
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BENNY ENTERS WITH HIS SAUSAGE BAG OVER HIS SHOULDER) BENNY One one oh Sig Squadron? GREENIE You can read. Big deal. BENNY I've just arrived. GREENIE A reo. BENNY A what? GREENIE Get some time up. BENNY Look if you don't want me I'll take the next plane home. GREENIE Where's your envelope. (BENNY DIGS IT OUT AND HANDS IT OVER) GREENIE Benedict Dickson. Oh yes. Bitzer wants to see you. BENNY Is Bitzer here? GREENIE Yes. You know him? BENNY From Ingleburn. We didn't get on. GREENIE You won't get on here either. Everything's here. Hang on. You haven't signed your extension form. BENNY What extension form. GREENIE Extension of service. You've only got two months left to serve. BENNY That's right. What if it's not signed. GREENIE We'll have to send you home. You don't want that. BENNY I'd get the war benefits without the effort, wouldn't I? GREENIE You wouldn't do that. BENNY Wouldn't I? The army can give me something for a change. GREENIE You'd desert your mates. BENNY Don't get your nickers in a twist. They'll send you somebody else. You'll have the right number of bodies to march about. GREENIE That's not the point. BENNY (DELIBERATELY) Stiff bickies. GREENIE You bastard. (BITZER ENTERS) BITZER Is this the reo. GREENIE Sig. Dickson sir. BITZER I thought I recognised the name. I hope you don't think you're going to stuff around up here, Dickson. GREENIE I'm afraid there's already been a bit of a stuff up, S.S.M. BITZER Oh yes? GREENIE He hasn't signed his extension form. BITZER Why not? BENNY Nobody asked me. BITZER Sign it. BENNY No sir. BITZER What. BENNY I'm not signing sir. BITZER Why not. BENNY I haven't read it, sir. BITZER Read it. (BENNY PRETENDS TO READ WHILE REGAINING HIS COMPOSURE) BITZER You've read it. BENNY Yes sir. BITZER You know what its about. BENNY Yes sir. BITZER It's the form you agreed to sign before you left Australia. BENNY No sir. It's the form I agreed to sign in Australia. BITZER I could say you have a moral obligation to sign. BENNY The army stuffed up. Not me, sir. BITZER I could charge you with conduct to the prejudice. BENNY I haven't done anything wrong. BITZER (EXPLODING) You've done everything wrong Dickson. You breathe wrong. You walk wrong. You think wrong. You've got the wrong attitude, and I don't like the way you wear your hat. That's conduct to the prejudice, and I can get you for that. BENNY It's up to you sir. BITZER You haven't learnt anything, have you Dickson. You're still stupid. You still relish trouble. BENNY I don't believe so sir. BITZER You know what I think Dickson. I think you're mentally retarded. Your mother mated with a three toes sloth. You're slow. You're simple minded. A danger to your mates. Especially in a war zone. I don't think I'll bother with you Dickson. I think I'll send you down to the psychiatrist. I'll get you certified incompitent. Get you put away. Get you declared mad. BENNY I'm not mad sir. BITZER Aren't you? BENNY No sir. I'm as sane as you..sir. Probably saner. BITZER Are you saying I'm mad? BENNY That's not for me to say sir. BITZER That's what you're suggesting. BENNY No sir. I'm just saying its less likely for me to be insane than you. BITZER Why? BENNY I was cleared by a psychiatrist when I was drafted two years ago. When were you last checked by a shrink, sir. (BITZER HAS TROUBLE KEEPING HIS TEMPER) BITZER (DANGEROUS) So you want to be treated as sane? BENNY Yes sir. BITZER Then we'll consider you sane. A responsible self aware individual. Personally I have my doubts, but we'll put those aside for the moment. As a sane self aware individual do you persist in refusing to sign this document? Bear in mind that if you don't sign I'll have to charge you. BENNY You can't charge me, sir. (BITZER EXPLODES AGAIN. PERHAPS I SHOULD POINT OUT THAT HIS EXPLOSIONS ARE DELIBERATELY ENGINEERED IN ORDER TO BULLY/INTIMIDATE BENNY INTO DOING WHAT BITZER WANTS. BENNY IS VERY SHAKEN BY THESE DISPLAYS OF RAW POWER BUT GENERALLY HOLDS HIS GROUND. THIS MIGHT BE TAKEN AS A MEASURE OF HIS STUPIDITY, OR COURAGE) BITZER I can do anything with you son. If I want you to clean my boots with your tongue you'll do it. If I want you to fire a skyrocket up your bum you'll do it. You know why Dickson? You know why? Because you're a grub. A nothing. A zero. You're less than a pimple on the arse end of an elephant. If you don't learn that and learn it fast you're going to spend an awful lot of time in front of the C.O. Corporal Green. GREENIE Yes sir. BITZER Here's a volunteer for the Long Hai patrol. GREENIE Yes sir. I'm going to enjoy this. (GREENIE ADVANCES ON BENNY THREATENINGLY) BENNY Enjoy what? (GREENIE PUSHES BENNY, TRYING TO PICK A FIGHT) GREENIE You're a dill, aren't you. You'd make an army boot look smart. BENNY Thank you. GREENIE If brains were dynamite you couldn't blow your hat off. BENNY Pity. GREENIE If brains were arsenic you couldn't poison a parrot. BENNY Is that a fact. GREENIE You know something Dickson. We don't like short timers here. Why don't you drop dead. BENNY (NOT DRAWN) Are you trying to tell me something. GREENIE (GIVING UP) The Long Hai patrol is reserved for grubs like you. BENNY What's the Long Hai patrol? GREENIE A patrol to the Long Hai mountains. You've got a fifty fifty chance of coming back alive. BENNY Oh yes. GREENIE It's no joke. You ought to see our casualty figures. Corporal Smith phffft. Right between the eyes. Digger Carlson blown apart by a mine. Sig. Erskine impaled on bamboo stakes. BENNY Aunt Nellie died laughing. GREENIE You'll die laughing in a minute. BENNY No. I'm on your side. I like the idea of the patrol. I can just see me as John Wayne patrolling through the jungle. Nogs to the right of me. Nogs to the left of me. Great stuff. GREENIE Doesn't the thought of getting killed worry you? BENNY You've got to go sometime. GREENIE What about the mines. The ambushes. The Viet Cong artillery. BENNY If I'm only going to be here two months I want to make the most of me time here, don't I. GREENIE Aren't you worried about the Viet Cong snipers. They're deadly accurate. BENNY I'll duck. GREENIE The V.C. are expert at booby traps. BENNY Don't worry. Where do I get the equipment. At the Q store? GREENIE (NODS) Any sensible person is terrified of the Viet Cong. BENNY Where's the Q store then? GREENIE Look you've really got the wrong attitude to the war here. You really don't know what's going on. Everything's censored. BENNY Oh yea. Censorship. GREENIE You're really not safe anywhere in Vietnam. The V.C. can get you even here. But the Long Hai patrol is practically fatal. BENNY It's really tough then. GREENIE The toughest. Look. Nobody'ud blame you if you turned chicken right now. Nobody at all. And personally I'd advise you not to go. Bitzer's not too bad about it. Grovel a bit and he'll let you ought of it. He doesn't want dead techs. The Long Hai patrol is that tough. BENNY Good. GREENIE Good? BENNY I like things tough. Lets go. GREENIE What about your parents. Think of them. BENNY They always wanted a John Wayne el supremo macho nasho in the family. (EXITS) GREENIE Wouldn't you rather do a convoy up to Baria? It's safer. (EXITS) |
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(THE ORDERLY ROOM. BITZER IS LEAFING THROUGH SOME PAPERS. THE 2 I.C. ENTERS) 2 I.C. S.S.M. BITZER Yes sir. 2 I.C. About the telephone in my flat. BITZER The matter is in hand. A line party is going out tomorrow. 2 I.C. Good. BITZER If you could give the address to Sergeant Hampster. 2 I.C. Sergeant Hampster? BITZER Tech Troop, sir. 2 I.C. I see. What's this? BITZER Documentation for the new reo. 2 I.C. Sig Dickson. Quite a charge sheet. Another nasho. Our regular soldiers should get preference over these national service men for this posting, S.S.M. BITZER Yes sir. 2 I.C. Still, at least we get a bit more use out of these nashosm if they extend to come here. Sig Dickson, for example... This extension form is not signed. BITZER I'm aware of that sir. 2 I.C. Its got to be signed. We've got to send him home if it's not signed. Why hasn't it been signed. BITZER There was something of a stuff up, sir. In Australia. 2 I.C. I can see that. I want to know what you are going to do about it. BITZER I've asked the lad to sign, sir. He's refused. 2 I.C. He's got to sign. BITZER There's not much we can do. We can't force him to sign. 2 I.C. Nonsense. Lean on him Sergeant Major.Pressure him. He'll sign. BITZER I've had a talk with him. 2 I.C. This in not a piddling little matter, Sergeant Major. There has been a major stuff up. If we don't get this signature then this unit and the people in it are going to look like fools. I want this signed. BITZER If the man refuses to sign I'll bring the matter to your attention, sir. (PAUSE) 2 I.C. Very well S.S.M. (BENNY ENTERS IN FULL BATTLE DRESS CARRYING THE SAME PARAPHERNALIA AS FRED. BENNY HAS GUESSED THAT THIS IS A PUT ON AND IS HAMMING IT UP) BENNY Here comes the warrie. (POINTS THE M60 AT BITZER) Bang you're dead. 2 I.C. Jesus Christ. BITZER (FOR THE FIRST TIME HE"S REALLY ANGRY) Don't move. Atten...shun. (BITZER REMOVES THE M60 AND CHECKS IT'S NOT LOADED) 2 I.C. Charge him, sergeant Major. Charge him. BITZER You're on a charge. BENNY It was just a joke, sir. BITZER Face the front. You could be court martialed for coming in here like that. Do you realise that. Do you want to be court martialed. Do you? BENNY No sir. BITZER I'm sick of you Dickson. You're a pain in the arse. You think we're all here for your ammusement. That you can stuff around all you like. Well I've got news for you. This isn't a bloody holiday camp. It's a war zone. Our war effort is only as good as the people in the team. t depends on you. On you and your mates. The army is you and your mates. If you're not for it. If you're not prepared to work for the system one hundred percent, then you're worse than useless. You're a drain on the system. A parasite. You're stealing the time and effort of your mates. I won't allow that. Corporal Green. GREENIE Yes sir. BITZER Take him back to the Q store. GREENIE Yes sir. BITZER Get rid of that junk. GREENIE Yes sir. BITZER Bring him back here. GREENIE Yes sir. BITZER And don't loose him. GREENIE Yes sir. Prisoner. Right turn. Quick march. (GREENIE EXITS WITH BENNY) 2 I.C. You'll draw up a charge sheet. BITZER Yes sir. 2 I.C. I'll inform the C.O. (C.O. ENTERS) C.O. There you are 2 I.C. 2 I.C. Yes sir. C.O. I've got to go up to Siagon for a few weeks. You'll be in charge while I'm away, of course. 2 I.C. Yes sir. C.O. My plane leaves in an hour and there are a few things we must discuss before I go so we'd best get started. Sergeant Major. BITZER Yes sir. C.O. Could you arrange transport to get me to the airbase. Charlie Ramp. I want to leave in about fifty minutes. BITZER Yes sir. (BITZER EXITS) C.O. I have reservations about leaving you in charge Eric. 2 I.C. I'm quite capable. C.O. You don't have much experience. 2 I.C. This will be my opportunity to aquire some. C.O. I hope so. I'm not questioning your abilities, Eric. You're not an equestrian. 2 I.C. No sir. C.O. Pity. It gives you an insight into command. You get to know instinctively which way the horse is going to jump., and you use it. You don't jerk. You don't use brute force. The gentlest suggestion of guidance can be sufficient. The horse knows where power resides. The men know it too. Do you see what I mean? 2 I.C. I can handle the men, sir. C.O. I'm at the other end of the phone if you need me. 2 I.C. Yes sir. C.O. (LOOKS AT WATCH) I've got to pack. (THEY EXIT. THE BAR. NORSE WANDERS IN WITH A MOP. HE LEANS ON IT. FRED COMES IN BEHIND HIM WITH ANOTHER MOP AND BUCKET. THEY PROCEED TO MOP THE FLOOR. FRED IS DOING THE MAJORITY OF THE WORK) FRED NERTZ Don't just look at it. Do something. NORSE Who made this mess. FRED NERTZ You lot. NORSE I hope I get a beer for this. FRED NERTZ A goffer. When it's finished. NORSE A goffer. How'd you get to be barman. FRED NERTZ My good looks. NORSE You don't drink. You don't smoke. Why the hell did you come to Vietnam. FRED NERTZ Idle curiosity. Why did you come. NORSE The booze. FRED NERTZ Really? NORSE No old women telling you what to do...You nashos. FRED NERTZ WHat have you got against national servicemen. NORSE You treat the army as a joke. FRED NERTZ It's a good holiday camp. NORSE It's not a joke. FRED NERTZ What is it then. NORSE It's important. You're doing something important for the country. (SITS ON ONE OF THE BAR STOOLS) FRED NERTZ Only if we win. |
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(GREENIE AND BENNY ENTER) GREENIE Gooday Fred. FRED NERTZ We're out of cigarettes. The beer's flat and we're not open. Hello Benny. Welcome to the war. GREENIE A beer thanks. (BENNY GETS THE BAR STOOL. GREENIE STANDS) BENNY I'll have one too. NORSE And me. FRED NERTZ You'll all have goffers. Standing orders. GREENIE Stuff standing orders. Give me a beer. FRED NERTZ Let's get this right. You've got two stripes. I've got none. You get your beer. BENNY What about me? FRED NERTZ Get some stripes up. NORSE What about me. (FRED DISHES OUT BEERS TO ALL) GREENIE This dill is short timing. NORSE Short timing by how much? GREENIE Ten months. NORSE You bastard. BENNY Eat your heart out. GREENIE I told him he's a parasite. You'd agree with that, Norse? (GREENIE MOVES BEHIND BENNY AND SIGNALS TO NORSE TO KEEP HIM TALKING) NORSE Sure. You're a paraside. You deserve everything you get. (GREENIE DROPS THE SCREWDRIVER. IT GOES OFF WITH A BANG. BENNY FALLS OFF HIS STOOL. GREENIE GRABS IT) GREENIE Didn't I tell you we don't like short timers here? FRED NERTZ O.K. How about pissing off. Norse and I are trying to get this place cleaned up. GREENIE Bwfore I go into town I want a dozen bottles of Johnny Walker thanks. FRED NERTZ Black lable? GREENIE That's right. Put 'em aside for me. FRED NERTZ There's more demand, the price is higher, and the bottles are smaller. GREENIE That's right. Why don't you take up a little black marketing? FRED NERTZ You're kidding. GREENIE There's money in it. FRED NERTZ Bloody good money. GREENIE Why not then. The only difficulty is getting the stuff out of camp. And you've got the ideal set-up. FRED NERTZ How? Oh the ice run. GREENIE Right. You've got to go into town to get ice. You could take stuff into town by the truck load. Right under the noses of the M.P's. FRED NERTZ Not me. GREENIE I'll organise the contacts. Show you the ropes. The lot. FRED NERTZ No thanks. GREENIE Well I offered. FRED NERTZ Thanks anyway. Damn it. Why the hell am I thanking him for trying to turn me into a crook. NORSE 'Cos you're stupid. BENNY You're already a crook. Accessory before and after the fact. FRED NERTZ How do I know. He might really be a chain smoker who drinks 6 bottles of Johnny Walker a day. NORSE Bull. BENNY What are you going to do about it? FRED NERTZ Nothing. NORSE Nothing. GREENIE I'm glad to hear it. BENNY What would you do if I turned you in. GREENIE About two weeks. Not worth it, is it. BENNY No. GREENIE Thank Christ. Anyway what harm do I do. I sell a few ciggies and a few bottles of Johnny Walker on the black market. Half the camp's doing the same thing. It's nothing. Sweet F.A. NORSE Give me a beer. You know that beach buggy Red Turner's got. FRED NERTZ In the book. THe U.S. Army jeep. NORSE That's the one. Guess how much it cost. FRED NERTZ We give up. NORSE A carton of fosters. FRED NERTZ A carton. Twenty four cans. NORSE I said. FRED NERTZ That's three dollars sixty, for a jeep. GREENIE That's a gift. The yanks gave it away. Red could sell it for a fortune on the black market. Now if he wanted to... NORSE You'd be the bloke to see. GREENIE I could find a buyer, yes. FRED NERTZ You talk about it like it was admirable. GREENIE It's inevitable. I buy stuff and sell it. That's all. I draw the line at stealing. NORSE How moral. GREENIE Working the black market is not all profit, you know. FRED NERTZ Tell us your woes. GREENIE I lost over a thousand dollars in the last currency change. NORSE My heart bleeds. FRED NERTZ Currency change? GREENIE The last one was before your time. NORSE Every once in a while the U.S. army withdraws all its money and changes the design. GREENIE Notes that are not changed immediately are worthless. FRED NERTZ So what? GREENIE So walk into the paymaster and try and explain one thousand dollars. I've been working the black market, sir. (SALUTES) FRED NERTZ Not very practical, is it. GREENIE Fortunes of war. The money changers in town were hit harder. (THE ORDERLY ROOM. THE C.O. AND THE 2 I.C. ENTER. BITZER FOLLOWS) BITZER Your vehicle is here, sir. C.O. Thank you, S.S.M. I'll see you in about three weeks. BITZER Yes sir. C.O. Eric. You're in command. 2 I.C. Thank you sir. (THE C.O. PICKS UP HIS BAG AND EXITS) 2 I.C. You've written up the charge sheet for Sig Dickson? BITZER Yes sir. 2 I.C. Good. I'll hear the charge as soon as you're ready. BITZER Yes sir. |
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2 I.C. EXITS. BITZER CROSSES TO GREENIE'S DESK AND LOOKS IN THE DRAWERS. HE FINDS A SCREWDRIVER WITH THE HOLE IN THE END OF THE HANDLE, A BOX OF DRAWING PINS AND A BOX OF MATCHES. HE LEAVES THEM ON TOP OF THE DESK. BITZER IS LOOKING THROUGHT A SHEAF OF PAPERS WHEN GREENIE ENTERS WITH BENNY) GREENIE Here's the prisoner, sir. BITZER Good. There'll be no more Long Hai patrols, understand? GREENIE Yes sir. (GREENIE SITS AT THE DESK AND SPOTS THE SCREWDRIVER. HE QUIETLY SWEEPS THE IMPLIMENTS INTO THE DRAWER) BITZER I don't want to hear any more mysterious explosions either. GREENIE Yes sir. BITZER You can check through these inventories. I want them this afternoon. GREENIE Yes sir. (TAKES THEM AND EXITS) BITZER You're in the shit, Sig Dickson. Up to your neck. I suggest you do something about getting yourself out of the shit, pronto. BENNY You mean sign the extension form. BITZER That would help. BENNY It's a matter of principle, sir. BITZER What principle? Never give an inch? BENNY I'm a national serviceman, sir. I didn't ask to be in the army. BITZER I could make something of you, Dickson. Give me a few months and I could make you into a good soldier. It would be a challenge and I'd enjoy it. Another time and place and I'd accept that challenge, but here I simply don't have the time. If you can't or won't discipline yourself - if you won't toe the line -I'll just have to write you off. You'll get no responsibility. You'll get every shitty job imaginable, and all the time I'll be there watching you like a hawk. Every time you stuff up I'll be I'll come down on you like a ton of bricks. Can you give me a reason why I shouldn't write you off? BENNY I guess it's your decision, sir. BITZER Very well. Let's get it over with. Accused. Atten shun. Quick march. Right turn. Halt. (BITZER MARCHES BENNY BEFORE GREENIE'S DESK. THE 2 I.C. ENTERS AND SITS) 2 I.C. You've been charged with conduct to the prejudice of good order and military discipline. How do you plead? BENNY Not guilty. BITZER Not guilty sir. BENNY Not guilty sir. 2 I.C. I think this is indicative of your attitude, Sig Dickson. Perhaps a stay in detention barracks will help improve your behavior. Two weeks and a forty dollar fine. March him out Sergeant Major BITZER Prisoner, about turn. Quick march. Halt. Did you enjoy that? BENNY It doesn't worry me. I'm still going home in two months. BITZER Two months and two weeks. Time in the boob doesn't count towards your service. But you obviously didn't know that. BENNY No I didn't. BITZER When you get out you'll be attached to Admin Troop where I can keep an eye on you. You'll be my personal bum boy. You'll still have two months to serve and for those two months you'll behave perfectly. BENNY Does this mean you don't want me to sign the extension form now? BITZER I wouldn't let you extend now even if you wanted to. The sooner you're out of this unit the better. But don't get the idea you've won a victory. You haven't. Stuff up once and you'll be back in the boob. Stuff up too often and you'll never get home Understand me? BENNY (ALL GRIN) Yes sir. BITZER Prisoner, right turn. Quick march. (MARCHES HIM OFF) (THE BAR. FRED IS CLOSING UP. GREENIE'S BOTTLES ARE ON THE BAR. GREENIE ENTERS) GREENIE Fred. FRED NERTZ Yes Greenie. GREENIE You're going into town? (TAKES THE SIX BOTTLES FROM THE BAR AND PUTS THEM IN HIS BAG) FRED NERTZ Yes. The ice run. I've got to get ice. GREENIE Give me a lift. FRED NERTZ Sure. GREENIE You can drop me off at the Hong Kong bar. That's on your way. FRED NERTZ O.K. Come on. (THEY BOTH EXIT. THE ORDERLY ROOM. THE C.O. IS QUIETLY POKING ABOUT ASSURING HIMSELF THAT EVERYTHING IS RUNNING SMOOTHLY. THE 2 I.C. ENTERS) 2 I.C. Good morning sir. Welcome back. C.O. Good morning Eric. It's nice to be back. 2 I.C. May I ask how was Siagon? C.O. The Americians were very Americian, the Vietnamese were unintelligible, and ah, how did you manage here? 2 I.C. Just fine sir. Everything went as smooth as silk. C.O. Good. Good. No problems at all then. 2 I.C. Well, there was a reo. C.O. Oh? 2 I.C. Sig Dickson. Here's his charge sheet. C.O. Sig Dickson. Two charges? 2 I.C. The first charge was conduct to the prejudice. C.O. And the second? 2 I.C. Conduct to the prejudice. (THE BAR. FRED OPENS THE BAR) FRED NERTZ When he got out Benny had done a month in gaol and still had two months left to serve. Benny was philosophical about it. (BENNY ENTERS) Gooday Benny. Thought you were still in the boob. BENNY Naw. Done my time. FRED NERTZ What's it like...in gaol. BENNY It's all right. It's a game really, isn't it. Make a wrong move and you get a little card saying "Go to gaol, go directly to gaol, do not pass go, do not collect two hundred dollars." or something like that. FRED NERTZ I thought you wanted to short time. BENNY To go home? Not really. FRED NERTZ Then why did you refuse to sign the extension form? BENNY To get up Bitzer's nose. FRED NERTZ Is that all. BENNY Yes. FRED NERTZ So what has Bitzer got you doing now? BENNY Cleaning the dunnies. FRED NERTZ That's not much of a job. BENNY I dunno. I look on it as applied biochemistry. FRED NERTZ Hu? BENNY Methane. Do you know how much methane those dunnies generate? FRED NERTZ No. How much? BENNY I don't know. But I bet it's a lot. People used to run their cars on it during the war. FRED NERTZ That was acetyline. BENNY Same principle. |
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(THE ORDERLY ROOM) GREENIE Gooday Norse. NORSE You can tell the 2 I.C. his phone's on. GREENIE His private phone? NORSE That's the one. GREENIE Did you see his bird? NORSE Yes. She came in just before I left. GREENIE What's she like? NORSE What's it to you? GREENIE Idle curiosity. NORSE Do you normally stick your nose into other men's bedrooms? GREENIE Oh come on. I just asked what she was like. NORSE Get lost. F.X. EXPLOSION (GREENIE DIVES UNDER THE TABLE) GREENIE Christ. NORSE It's a bit late to take cover now. You're supposed to do that before the explosion. GREENIE I think I had an accident. (BITZER ENTERS, HALF SHAVED) BITZER What was that. You haven't been playing with that screwdriver again, have you? GREENIE sir. NORSE Could be a rocket. BITZER Go see what it was. (NORSE EXITS. 2 I.C. ENTERS) 2 I.C. What was that bang? BITZER We don't know yet sir. 2 I.C. Send somebody to investigate. BITZER I've done that, sir. 2 I.C. We must be under attack. STand the men too. Man the strong points. Inform the area commander. I'm going to the command centre. (RUSHES OUT) BITZER Who's doing latrine duty today? GREENIE Sig Dickson, sir. BITZER I thought so. Get him. (GREENIE EXITS. C.O. ENTERS) C.O. Everything under control S.S.M? BITZER Yes sir. C.O. Good. BITZER The 2 I.C. just rushed over to the command centre. C.O. Oh. I'd better go and rescue him. 2 I.C. (DISSAPOINTED) It's not the Viet Cong. BITZER Dickson. C.O. You'll sort it out, S.S.M. BITZER Yes sir. C.O. Good. (EXITS WITH 2 I.C.) BITZER Where is Sig Dickson. (BENNY ENTERS MINUS EYEBROWS AND EYELASHES) BITZER What happened? BENNY The dunny blew up, sir. BITZER You blew it up. BENNY Accidentally sir. A methane explosion. BITZER Other men have managed to burn off the latrines without demolishing them. WHy are you so different. BENNY I put it down to the quality of the food, sir. It's got quite bad over the last few days. BITZER Do you remember what I said about stuff ups Sig Dickson? BENNY Yes sir. BITZER If I thought you'd done that deliberately. BENNY Who me, sir? BITZER Clean yourself up. You stink. BENNY Yes sir. (EXITS) (THE BAR. FRED IS SERVING GREENIE IS ENTERTAINING THE GRUNT. NORSE IS DRINKING) GREENIE Look, go into town. Into the Rex Bar. Ask for May Lin. She'll fix you up. Her girls are very versatile. GRUNT I've only got a few days. FRED NERTZ You're from Nui Dat? GRUNT Yea. 3RAR. Got a bit of leave. GREENIE I can fix you up with anything you like. FRED NERTZ Have a beer. GRUNT I appreciate that. Not knowing my way around. GREENIE I know what you mean. To me Nui Dat's a foreign country. NORSE A couple of months ago there was a bunch of crunchies down on leave. They decided to go the cowboys. GRUNT I heard about it. NORSE So these crunchies took the cowboys apart. Bit by bit. Blow by blow. GREENIE Pack it in Norse. NORSE You know what a cowboy is, don't you. GRUNT I've heard. NORSE A cowboy is a rocker, a bikie, a skinhead, a lout. Kids Vietnamese style. So the Crunchies took the cowboys apart. Had a good punch up. Broke a few noses. Worked off their agressions. GREENIE Understandable, don't you think. NORSE Now the cowboys didn't like being punched up. They decided to get their own back. They knifed a kiwi sergeant in the Hong Kong bar. He died. GRUNT So I heard. NORSE So the crunchies in their turn thought they'd get back at the Nogs. But not the cowboys now. No. No more belting up sixteen year old kids. None of that. No. They were serious now. They had escalated. They were after bigger game. Adults. Vengance. So they drunk themselves into a suitable state to do what they had to do. Then they went out. They went into the bars. They went into the massage parlors. They dragged the girls out into the streets and beat them. They beat one of the girls to death. Wasn't that heroic? Wasn't that a great victory for the good old Aussie crunchie? When the crunchies sobered up they went home. Back to Nui Dat. Back to the war. Their souls were purged. The incident was behind them. Something to forget. We douldn't do that. Here in Vung Tau we had to live with the hate in the town. "Uc Da Loi. Di di mau." Walk down the street and the old women would scream at you "Uc Da Loi. Di di mau." "Uc Da Loi. Di di mau." GRUNT I wasn't there. I wasn't in the country then. GREENIE These things happen. Out in the bush all the time you'd get tense. It's understandable. Every bush can hide a Nog sniper. Every step can trip a mine. You'd get tense. You'd need to let it out. Those blokes came to town to blow off steam. That's all. That's understandable. So they break up a few bars. Punch up a few Nogs. So what? You'd do the same. It's part of the price. FRED NERTZ Have you seen any action? GRUNT A few shots. Not much. GREENIE Have you ever got on to any weapons caches. AK 47's. Things like that? GRUNT Some. GREENIE That's what I want to talk to you about. I can sell stuff like that as souveniers. Weapons, Nog bits and pieces, anything that's obviously associated with the Cong. GRUNT We've got to hand in the weapons. They're counted. GREENIE Sure. BUt there must be a time between when you find them and when they're counted. Nobody'd know if one or two vanished. GRUNT Dunno. GREENIE Don't tell me things don't get souveniered. Where do you think those came from. GRUNT Sure. Things get souveniered. GREENIE Look at all the blokes down here in Vung Tau. Most of the have absolutely no show of getting up country, and they'd like something to take home. A souvenier. GRUNT Suppose I get the guns. What would they be worth? NORSE Bloody crunchies. GRUNT Feel sorry for Nogs, do you. You might feel different if they were shooting at you. NORSE They're not human to you, are they. They're some sort of animal. Something to build up the body count. Nogs. Viet Cong. Nogs. Lump them together. "Shoot another one. Make it an even dozen". It's just a Nog. It doesn't matter who it is. Kill a civilian or an old woman. It"s just a Nog. A woman or a child. It's just a Nog. Someone's wife. GRUNT Don't point your bloody finger at me mate. I don't want your sermons. If you were sober I'd... You've got it made here, haven't you. Hiding behind your barbed wire and booze. A real hard life for a lush. Well you sit there you no sweat soldier. You think about me and the blokes of A company slogging about out there in the bush. Sweating on every breath like it was our last. Waiting for the shot you never hear. You think about that an pray that some Cong sniper gets luchy and gets me. 'Cos if I'm alive on my next leave I'm going to bring some of my mates down here and take you and your cosy world apart. Would you like that lush, would you? (NORSE GESTURES AT THE GRUNT. THE GRUNT GRABS HIM) NORSE Get away from me. (BENNY COMES IN DRESSED FOR A PICKET. HE LEANS HIS RIFLE AGAINST THE WALL) NORSE Benny get him off me. BENNY Hello, it's a grunt GREENIE Bruse, this is Benny. Benny, Bruce. BENNY Bruce? GREENIE Benny is psychic, or sick. One or the other. He's the only guy in the unit that can walk into an arguement - hasn't heard a word - and can tell you instinctively who's right and who's wrong. BENNY I know who my friends are. NORSE Get him off me. GRUNT Look I don't want to create trouble. Just butt out. BENNY Want to hear a joke, grunt? GRUNT Look... BENNY Why do grunts have hunched backs and sloping foreheads? (THE GRUNT WEIGHS HIS CHANCES IN THE INEVITABLE FIGHT) BENNY Come on. Why do grunts have hunched backs and sloping foreheads? GRUNT Why. BENNY Ask them a question, "I don't know." (HUNCHES BACK) Tell them the answer, "I should have known." (HITS FOREHEAD WITH THE HEEL OF HIS PALM) (THE GRUNT HITS BENNY. BENNY LAYS DOWN FOR A SLEEP) GRUNT I'll add him to my visiting list. (EXITS) GREENIE Hey Bruce. About these weapons. (EXITS AFTER BRUCE) NORSE Think he'll come back? FRED NERTZ No. He just wanted to put the wind up you. NORSE He did. FRED NERTZ What about Benny. NORSE He'll wake up eventually. Still I feel bad about it. I was pissed. The fight sobered me up. FRED NERTZ Look at what it did to Benny. NORSE Give me a drink. I shouldn't have gone at the crunchie like that. FRED NERTZ Come on Benny, wake up. (POURS A CAN OF BEER OVER BENNY) NORSE I shouldn't let it affect me. It was long enough ago. Nearly a year ago. I want a drink. Give me a drink, Fred. FRED NERTZ What? Oh sure. BENNY Wha... (FRED POURS ANOTHER BEER OVER BENNY) |
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BENNY Hey. FRED NERTZ You're still with us. BENNY What happened. FRED NERTZ Remember the grunt? BENNY Oh yea. Why didn't you do something. Hit him with a bottle. FRED NERTZ And get thumped for me trouble. No thanks. BENNY Thanks for your help. NORSE Give me a beer. FRED NERTZ Yet another beer. NORSE Thanks. FRED NERTZ What was all that business about someone's wife. NORSE Wife? FRED NERTZ When you were going the grunt. What was all that about? NORSE Nothing. Just an example. (EXIT) FRED NERTZ Suit yourself. BENNY Git some ice? (FRED GETS IT) Ow. FRED NERTZ Like me to warm it up for you? BENNY I'll have a beer. FRED NERTZ You've already had two cans. BENNY Where? FRED NERTZ You're wearing it. That'll be thirty cents. BENNY Give me another. In the can this time. FRED NERTZ Look I'm sorry I poured the beer over you. BENNY It's alright. FRED NERTZ You smell like an explosion in a brewery. BENNY I can't help that. FRED NERTZ Bitzer'll go you. BENNY Don;t worry about it. I'll clean up. (BITZER ENTERS) FRED NERTZ It's a bit late for that. BITZER Sig Dickson. What are you doing here. BENNY There was a disturbance, sir. (GRABS HIS RIFLE AND STANDS TO ATTENTION) BITZER The only disturbance is you. The picket is not allowed in the bar. He doesn't drink. He doesn't wear it either. You're on a charge. Report to the orderly room. BENNY Excuse me sir. You haven;t even considered what I said. BITZER Are you denying it? BENNY Yes sir. BITZER Smelling like that? BENNY I admit the smell. BITZER And the can (BENNY PUTS IT DOWN) BENNY Yes sir. BITZER You leave me no choice. Report to the orderly room. BENNY Bitzer. You haven't given me a chance you bastard. You haven't given me a chance. BITZER You'll get your chance before the C.O. (BENNY IS HOLDING HIS RIFLE AND UNCONSCIOUSLY THREATENING BITZER WITH IT) BENNY That's no chance. You've had it in for me ever since I arrived in the country. BITZER I've never had it in for you. BENNY You've been out to get me. BITZER I've never set out to get you or persecute you. This is a web of your own making,\. (PAUSE) Give me the rifle. (BENNY REALISES HE IS HOLDING THE RIFLE, THREATENING BITZER. HE HESITATES. BITZER SMOOTHLY REMOVES THE RIFLE. BENNY RELAXES AND SMILES) BENNY How long will I get for this? BITZER Another two weeks. BENNY Oh well. (BITZER EXITS) (THE C.O. ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE) C.O. Men. Today I want to talk to you about Swans. Now I know that many of you wish to see as much of the country as possible in your off duty hours. That's understandable. But let's remember "All things in moderation". A Swan flight to Siagon for the day is one thing. A Swan flight to the United States is quite another. You are just not supposed to leave the country without permission. Now if you are going to persist in abusing the hospitality of the United States Army Air Corp I will have no option but to place a total ban on unauthorised flights by members of this unit. There is another thing. For the second month in a row this unit has the highest V.D. rate in Vietnam. It's just not good enough. And there's no need for it. All the bar girls are checked by a doctor once a week. f any girl is found with V.D. that bar is placed off limits. All you have to do is obey the off limits signs. The M.P.'s will be checking all off limits bars, so be warned. (THE BAR. BENNY IS SITTING AT THE BAR WITH A DRINK) BENNY I've decided to reform my ways. That last trip to the boob did it. I'm giving up stirring. FRED NERTZ You've cracked. BENNY I've found an inner peace. FRED NERTZ You're mad. BENNY It's the way you look at things. I've been in Vietnam, what, six weeks? I've still got two months left to serve. Hell, I had two months left to serve six weeks ago. I should be home working for myself. FRED NERTZ Doing what? BENNY I'm going inot business. I'll b uy a farm and start from there. FRED NERTZ Can't see it. BENNY I don't intend to be a Kidman. All I want is a small market garden close to the city. Nothing elaborate. FRED NERTZ How's Bitzer reacting to the new Benny? BENNY Me and Bitzer are like that. FRED NERTZ He's still got you cleaning the latrines. BENNY So what? I'll be home in two months. I can stay out of trouble that long. (NORSE ENTERS) NORSE Give us a beer. You ought to see the panic over in the lines. In the book. FRED NERTZ What's up? NORSE There's a bunch of M.P.'s and a couple of dogs over at the orderly room. BENNY Dogs? NORSE Dogs. BENNY Oh hell. (RUNS OFF) FRED NERTZ Dogs? NORSE Drugs I suppose. The word is they've got some dogs now that will sniff out marihuana. FRED NERTZ Then why did Benny panic? NORSE Guilty conscience. FRED NERTZ Ever tried drugs? NORSE No. FRED NERTZ Why not? NORSE You wouldn't catch me poisoning meself like that. It's not healthy. FRED NERTZ Like another beer? NORSE Thanks. (BENNY RUSHES IN) BENNY Bloody hell. There's M.P.'s all over the place. NORSE I told you. BENNY Oh shit. NORSE From your state of panic I'd say you were in possession. FRED NERTZ Cannabis Sativa? BENNY No. Green bloody cheese. NORSE Stash it under the sandbags. BENNY Everybody's stashed it under the sandbags. The wall's six inches higher. FRED NERTZ So you need somewhere else. BENNY Bloody quick. Put it in the fridge. FRED NERTZ Piss off. I'm not getting involved. NORSE Sell it on the black market. BENNY It's not funny. NORSE Try there. (HE INDICATES THE BARREL OF THE BAZOOKA HANGING OVER THE BAR) BENNY How the hell am I going to get it up there? NORSE Stand on a stool. (BENNY DOES SO, BUT THE SHUTTERS KEEP HIM AWAY FROM THE WALL AND THE BAZOOKA) BENNY Oh shit. Oh shit. NORSE Look out. Someone's coming. BENNY Bloody hell. (FALLS DOWN) NORSE Sorry. My mistake. BENNY You great burke. NORSE You're holding the evidence. BENNY Oh Shit. NORSE Let down the shutter. Mind me beer. FRED NERTZ He could stand on it. Gain a few inches. NORSE Di di mau. Let him get his own. NORSE Thank christ it's in. NORSE Hadn't you better put the shutter back up? BENNY Yea. Spray that round. NORSE What is it? BENNY Hair spray. (BENNY HANGS THE SHUTTER BACK UP) BENNY Hair spray? BENNY Puts the dogs off. They can't smell a thing through it. FRED NERTZ I thought you said something about reforming your ways? NORSE Watch it. (BENNY JUMPS DOWN) BENNY Give me a beer, Fred, quick. NORSE Try not to look guilty. (THE M.P. ENTERS) NORSE What's going on. M.P. Who owns those. FRED NERTZ Nobody in particular. They belong to the bar. BENNY What's this about? M.P. We're impounding them. BENNY Impounding them. What the hell for? M.P. Illegal weapons. You're not supposed to keep souveniers. Not this sort, anyway. (THE M.P. GETS THE WEAPONS DOWN) NORSE Why the crack down? M.P. SOme dill sent a grenade home through the post. FRED NERTZ Any idea who? M.P. A pen pusher from catering corp. We got him. (BENNY'S PLASTIC BAG FALLS FROM THE BAZOOKA. M.P. Hello. BENNY Oh christ. (THE M.P. PICKS UP THE PACKAGE AND UNWRAPS IT) M.P. I don't suppose you know anything about this. FRED NERTZ Not me. NORSE No. BENNY No. M.P. I'll have to hang onto it then, won't I? (PAUSE) If anybody wants this you'll tell them where it is. (WAITS FOR A REACTION AND WHEN THERE IS NONE, EXITS WITH GUNS) BENNY You heard that. He offered to give it back. NORSE Go and collect it then. BENNY You think he was trying to trap me. NORSE What do you think? BENNY I don't know. He looked like a decent bloke. NORSE He was an M.P. A cop. BENNY I've got to get it back. NORSE It's your funeral. FRED NERTZ Forget it. Buy another ton or two in town. It's cheap enough. BENNY That's not the point. That was a bag of seeds. A full damn bag of cannibis seeds. I had enough seed there to plant near an acre. Can you imagine what an acre of cannibis is worth? The money. The power that represents. It'll take months to build up a stock like that again. Bloody months. NORSE Roll bigger joints. |
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(THE C.O. ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE) C.O. As a way of over coming the V.D. problem the idea of a camp brothel was suggested. The command, one ALSG has rejected the idea. The feel that the inevitable press coverage would be too damaging. A pity, but there it is. Now I know that no matter what I say some of you are going to play up. If you must, protect yourself. There's a box of contraceptives on the orderly room desk. Just help yourselves. And if you do start pissing razor blades, or if you break out in sores, don't kid yourself you got it from the toilet seat. Go to the clinic. There's no penalty. And you don't want to take it home to your wives, do you. (THE LIGHTS GO OUT. THERE IS A PAUSE. THE LIGHTS COME UP. THERE IS A PAUSE. BENNY, FRED AND GREENIE ENTER) FRED NERTZ Oh christ. Oh christ. GREENIE Don't panic. If we work out a story... BENNY Face it. They've got you. GREENIE And you. BENNY It wasn't my booze. FRED NERTZ Oh christ. GREENIE Shut up Fred. FRED NERTZ You had no right... GREENIE Look forget about it. It's over. BENNY You're in the clear Fred. Shut up. FRED NERTZ I'm not. I was driving. I'm responsible. That's what the M.P. said. I'm responsible. GREENIE Big deal. FRED NERTZ You bastard. BENNY Calm down. If you didn't want him to smuggle stuff in your vehicle you shouldn't have given him a lift. FRED NERTZ How did I know he was carrying black market stuff? BENNY You knew he was black marketing. What the hell did you think he wanted a lift for? FRED NERTZ A few bottles in a bag is one thing. Nobody minds that. But he loaded the back of the jeep like a bloody truck. When the M.P. stopped us I thought it was just routine. I never expected them to find anything. I never expected to be arrested. GREENIE O.K. O.K. We were lumbered. The question is what are we going to do about it. BENNY There's not much we can do about it. GREENIE We were all in the jeep, but there's no need for us all to be charged. BENNY What are you suggesting? GREENIE One of us take the responsibility for everything. FRED NERTZ I tell you I'm not going to carry the can, that's for sure. I don't want anything to do with it. GREENIE I've got two stripes to protect. BENNY Well don't look at me. I was just a passenger. GREENIE With your record who'll believe it. BENNY You expect me to carry the can. GREENIE Why not. You're the most likely candidate. BENNY Bugger you. GREENIE We could dob you in. BENNY Try it. GREENIE Have you got a better idea? BENNY Personally I don't care. You can drop dead tomorrow. I won't loose any sleep. GREENIE I don't mind going to gaol. Two weeks is nothing, right? I don't mind that. But I've got a lot of money tied up in the market just now. I don't want to loose it. BENNY That's your problem. GREENIE If you take the blame... BENNY Carry the can. GREENIE ...I'll make it worth your while. BENNY How much? GREENIE A couple of hundred. BENNY A thousand. GREENIE O.K. FRED NERTZ What about me. BENNY What about you. FRED NERTZ I don't want to go to gaol. I couldn't handle it. Please Benny. BENNY For Christ's sake. FRED NERTZ I'll owe it to you Benny. I'll owe you. Just don't involve me, hu? Just don't involve me. BENNY O.K. GREENIE Then we're agreed. You put the booze in the jeep. Fred and I saw nothing, right? Right Fred. FRED NERTZ Yes, yes. BENNY Right. You'd better have the money ready for me when I get out, that's all. (FRED BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS. NORSE ENTERS.) NORSE What's the matter with you. FRED NERTZ Did you ever feel... (PAUSE) That everything is... (PAUSE) That you've gotta... (PAUSE) You"ve gotta.. (PAUSE) My head feels like it's in a vice and someone is slowly doing it up. Tightening it. (PAUSE) NORSE Once. When Mai Died. Was killed. See... (NORSE HOLDS OUT WRISTS) I found a nice quiet street and lay down in the gutter. (PAUSE) But I stuffed up. Should have cut along the vein and not across it. Don't give it a chance to heal up. Life's virulent. Don't give it a chance. FRED NERTZ So what happened. NORSE I woke up. Cleaned myself up. Went back to camp. FRED NERTZ What did they do to you? NORSE Nothing. Nobody noticed. Nobody wanted to notice. FRED NERTZ So what about me. What do I do? NORSE You shut up. (NORSE GOES BEHIND BAR.) You pretend you're normal. (NORSE GETS A BEER) Like me. (THE ORDERLY ROOM) (C.O.) Eric, I've been thinking about the unit magazine. 2 I.C. Yes sir. C.O. I know it's just a roneoed gossip and chat thing, but there's no reason why it shouldn't be educational as well. 2 I.C. Yes sir. C.O. Suppliments on Repatriation Benifits, War Service Homes and so on. The entitlements the men can expect when the get home. 2 I.C. Yes sir. C.O. What do you think of the idea? 2 I.C. Well sir... C.O. Good. You'll organise it then. 2 I.C. Well, yes sir. C.O. Good. Good. I hear you have a flat in town, Eric. 2 I.C. Yes sir. C.O. How much does it cost you? 2 I.C. Not much. You must come to dinner one night. C.O. Thank you. I will. (THE BAR. FRED STARTS TO CLOSE UP. GREENIE AND NORSE FINISH THEIR DRINKS) NORSE I got pissed the other night. I crawled out side the wire and started throwing rocks at the picket. GREENIE You're lucky you didn't get your head blown off. NORSE I was in no danger at all. GREENIE Why not? NORSE The picket was drunk too. (BOTH EXIT) BENNY Are you ready? FRED NERTZ Yes. (FRED CLOSES THE SHUTTERS ON THE BAR) (ASIDE) My last night in Vietnam and I've got to do a picket. I owe you Benny. BENNY Forget it. I'm used to the boob. FRED NERTZ I do owe you. BENNY Forget it. Bitzer would have put me away on principle anyway. FRED NERTZ Glad to be out of gaol. BENNY It makes a change. FRED NERTZ Think you'll ever get home. BENNY Eventually. I get a few days service up between each trip to the boob. FRED NERTZ Doesn't it worry you? BENNY Naw. I'm saving my seeds. (PAUSE) FRED NERTZ It's a good night. BENNY No moon. Where you here when the Nogs stole the barbed wire? FRED NERTZ No. BENNY Must have been a night like this. Crept up right under the pickets nose. Rolled up the wire and shot through. What would they get for it? FRED NERTZ Twenty dollars. BENNY Would you risk your life for twenty dollars? FRED NERTZ No way. You'd have to be slightly mad. (PAUSE) What did you do before the army. BENNY Not much. I worked. Same same the rest of the populace. FRED NERTZ No. Where'd you come from? BENNY The apple isle. Tassie. FRED NERTZ Hobart? BENNY Devonport. Worked for the P.M.G. Wasn't a bad job. But you never live for work, do you? FRED NERTZ No. BENNY I played up with the lads. The usual things. I remember one long weekend we took a couple of girls and a boat up to lake Pedder. We sped out over the water then switched off the motor. The ripples ran away in front of us. The boat settled back into the lake and drifted. Then the silence flooded in. The quiet. No rustling leaves. No wind. No waves. Absolute quiet. FRED NERTZ So what happened. BENNY You're a vacuum, you know that? WHat do you think happened. FRED NERTZ How should I know? BENNY Use your imagination. You haven't got one, have you? FRED NERTZ I can't read minds. BENNY If you were out in the middle of a lake. You and your best mate. Two girls. Nobody for miles. What would you do? FRED NERTZ Leave me alone! (FRED BURIES HIS FACE IN HIS HANDS. WALKS AWAY. RECOVERS. COMES BACK. THERE'S A PAUSE WHILE BENNY STUDIOUSLY IGNORE'S ALL THIS.) BENNY You're going home tomorrow. FRED NERTZ Yes. I've enjoyed my time here. (PAUSE) BENNY What's that? (2 I.C. ENTERS) FRED NERTZ He's pissed out of his mind. 2 I.C. Who goes there. FRED NERTZ Watch out. He's got a gun. 2 I.C. COme on picket. Challenge me. I could be a Nog come to slay you. Challenge me. BENNY Keep him talking. I'll get his pistol. FRED NERTZ Challenge him. 2 I.C. I'm armed. Dangerous. What should the picket do? Challenge me. BENNY Piss off you drunk bastard. 2 I.C. Piss off? BENNY Back me up. We'll disarm him. FRED NERTZ He's an officer. 2 I.C. Piss off? BENNY He's drunk. FRED NERTZ He's still an officer. 2 I.C. Piss off? BENNY Just back me up, alright. Just back me up. 2 I.C. Piss off? You can't talk to me like that. BENNY Excuse me, sir. 2 I.C. Who are you? BENNY The picket sir. 2 I.C. Oh. BENNY You're drunk, sir. 2 I.C. I'm the 2 I.C. I could be a Nog. I could be the Viet Cong. (WAVES GUN ERRATICALLY) BENNY You could be sir. (LEVELS HIS RIFLE) 2 I.C. What are you going to do about it, picket? BENNY Would you like me to demonstrate, sir. 2 I.C. Come at me. (DROPS INTO A FIGHTING POSE CONFIDENT HE CAN LICK AN ENTIRE ARMY) BENNY Yes sir. (BENNY KNOCKS THE 2 I.C. OUT WITH THE BUTT OF HIS RIFLE) FRED NERTZ What are you going to do now? BENNY Hang the bastard on the wire. Grab his feet. FRED NERTZ No. BENNY Come on. Come on. Give me a hand. FRED NERTZ I said no. BENNY Back me up, Fred. FRED NERTZ I meant no. It's not necessary. BENNY What the hell are you up to FRED NERTZ You've humiliated him. That's enough. BENNY I owe the bastard. I want him on the wire. Come on. (BENNY GRABS FRED. FRED PULLS AWAY) FRED NERTZ No. No. I don't want to get involved. BENNY You bastard. FRED NERTZ I'm not getting involved. BENNY Help me you bastard. (BENNY DRAGS THE 2 I.C. OFF) You miserable sod, help me. (FRED RETURN TO THE BAR. HE DRAGS HIS TRUNK FROM THE BAR TO CENTRE STAGE. ANGRILY HE THROWS HAT, BELT, RIFLE, ALL HIS MILITARY SYMBOLS INTO THE TRUNK. HE LOCKS IT) FRED NERTZ The pride. The glory. It's all crap, isn't it? Who cares about it? Who wants to know? Look... Look... END copyright (c) 1979 & 2000
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