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ACT 1 SCENE 2 (AT RIGHT STAGE IS THE ORDERLY ROOM OF 110 SIGNALS SQUADRON, 1ST AUSTRALIAN LOGISTIC SUPPORT GROUP, VUNG TAU, VIETNAM. THE ESSENTIAL FEATURES ARE CORPORAL GREEN'S DESK AND A COUNTER WHERE THE MAIN PART OF THE UNIT'S BUSINESS IS CONDUCTED. AT LEFT STAGE IS THE BAR OF THE O.R.'S (OTHER RANKS) CANTEEN. THE BAR IS SECURED BY A METAL GRILL THAT SWINGS UP AND OUT TO HANG FROM HOOKS ON THE WALL ABOVE THE BAR. ON THE WALL ABOVE THE BAR IS A SIGN "SANDBAGGERS INN, 110 SIG. SQN." AND OVER THIS ARE CROSSED A RUSSIAN AK47 MACHINE GUN AND A US BAZOOKA. BEHIND THE ORDERLY ROOM AND BAR SETS A SAND BAG WALL DEFINES THE LIMITS OF THE ACTING AREA. FRED ARRIVES CENTER STAGE WITH A SAUSAGE BAG) FRED NERTZ I prepared myself for Vietnam. I read "War and Peace", twice. I read "Catch 22". I read "All's quiet on the Western Front", and a history of the French involvement in South East Asia. I even looked up an atlas. Vietnam. A squib of a country beneath the Chinese powderkeg. That's how someone described it. To me it was something of a holiday camp. (CORPORAL GREEN ENTERS THE ORDERLY ROOM WHERE FRED IS NOW LEANING ON THE COUNTER) |
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GREENIE Don't lean on the desk. FRED NERTZ One one oh sig squadron? GREENIE You can read. Big deal. FRED NERTZ I've just arrived. (HANDS OVER A MANILLA ENVELOPE CONTAINING HIS MOVEMENT ORDERS) GREENIE A reo. FRED NERTZ Huh? GREENIE Get some time up, Sig...Nertz. I'm Corporal Green. I run the orderly room. This is my little domain, understand? FRED NERTZ Sure. What am I doing? GREENIE I've got you down for a Long Hai patrol. FRED NERTZ What's that? GREENIE A patrol to the Long Hai's. This is a war, remember? FRED NERTZ What are the Long Hai's. GREENIE Mountains. When you get outside, look to the north. D Company 3RAR got shot up there a few years back. FRED NERTZ What happened? GREENIE They walked into a mine field. It happens. FRED NERTZ Do you always send new arrivals on patrol? GREENIE Not usually. But there's been a bit of a stuff up. FRED NERTZ Why? GREENIE All the camp's off at a funeral. We can't stop the war for that, can we? FRED NERTZ Funeral? GREENIE Paterson. Nice bloke. You would have got on with him. Everybody did. Caught a bullet in the Long Hai's the other day. (INDICATES FOREHEAD) Pfffft. Clean as a whistle. Probably didn't even feel it. FRED NERTZ There was nothing in the papers about it. GREENIE That'ud be right. Censorship. Did you read about the Stumpy Creek slaughter? FRED NERTZ No. GREENIE Censorship. Read about the ridge 402 attack? FRED NERTZ No. GREENIE Censorship. I could go on. I bet you thought Vietnam was going to be a piece of piss, didn't you. FRED NERTZ Well yes. I never thought...I mean I thought we had this area pacified. GREENIE That's what they tell the media. They don't want to alarm the people at home. Actually the Long Hai's are a major Viet Cong fortress. FRED NERTZ Really? GREENIE Mines, ambushes, tanks, artillery. The Long Hai patrol can be pretty dangerous. I shouldn't tell you this, but I had to work out the casualty figures for the last month and you've got a fifty fifty chance of coming back alive. FRED NERTZ Oh Christ. GREENIE Try not to worry about it. If they do get you you probably won't even feel it. Remember Peters. FRED NERTZ I thought his name was Peterson. GREENIE Nickname Peters. After the icecream. Look, you'd better go over to the Far Q and get yourself fitted out for the patrol. Field pack. Rations. M60. 25 set. FRED NERTZ Far Q? GREENIE The Q store. It's not far. Out the door. Face left. Up 300. Face left again and your looking at it. There's a big sign over the door. "Far Q. Di Di Mau." FRED NERTZ Di di mau? GREENIE Piss off. It's Vietnamese. FRED NERTZ Look. I'm really a tech. Couldn't you get someone else. GREENIE No. You're not scared, are you? FRED NERTZ Yes. I'm a tech. I didn't think I'd be involved in anything like this. GREENIE Refuse to do your duty and you could be court martialed. Do you want to be shot? FRED NERTZ I'm not refusing. Don;t get me wrong. I just wonder if I'm the best man for the job. Surely someone with more experience. GREENIE No. I'm afraid you're it. You're all that's available. FRED NERTZ Not even a cook. GREENIE Not even a Colonel. You're it. FRED NERTZ I've got a few valuables. Could you see my mum gets them. GREENIE Put 'em in an envelope. Sign it. FRED NERTZ Thank you. I suppose I might come back. GREENIE I wouldn't count on it. FRED NERTZ No. Well...Which way is the Far Q? GREENIE Left, then straight up. On your left. FRED NERTZ Thanks Corporal... GREENIE Green. FRED NERTZ Corporal Green. Goodbye. (EXITS BRAVELY. GREENIE HOLDS HIMSELF IN TILL FRED HAS GONE THEN BURSTS OUT LAUGHING. BITZER ENTERS) BITZER What the hell are you up to Green. GREENIE Good morning S.S.M. I just sent our reo on a Long Hai patrol. Poor bastard just about pissed himself. Left his valuables in this. BITZER Where is he now. GREENIE Sent him over the Q store to get fitted out. BITZER What sort of a bloke is he? GREENIE Sig Nertz. He's a tech. Big. Stupid. BITZER Might do. When he gets back here I'll have a word with him. (BITZER EXITS. NORSE ENTERS) NORSE Gooday Greenie. GREENIE Gooday Norse. Going into town? NORSE Yep. There's a piss-up on over at the R&R centre. GREENIE The book's there. (NORSE LEANS OVER THE COUNTER AND GETS THE BOOK. HE SIGNS HIMSELF OUT) GREENIE You ought to take a few frangers. NORSE No thanks. I'm not a hang rat. GREENIE Stop your gun from rusting. (NORSE GRUNTS, PUTS THE BOOK AWAY AND EXITS. FRED RETURNS WEARING A FULL FIELD PACK. A 25 SET (RADIO) IS ON HIS BACK AND HE CARRIES A M60 MACHINE GUN WITH SEVERAL BELTS OF AMMO AROUND HIS NECK) GREENIE Good. You look the part. FRED NERTZ I feel like a goose. GREENIE You look like one too. Bitzer wants to see you. (GREENIE BUZZES THE INTERCOM ON HIS DESK) FRED NERTZ Is Bitzer here? GREENIE The reo's here, S.S.M. (TO FRED) What have you got against Bitzer? FRED NERTZ Nothing. He's just an ordinary S.S.M. FRED NERTS & GREENIE A thorough bastard. GREENIE Right. (BITZER ENTERS) BITZER Not swearing were you Corporal Green. GREENIE No sir. BITZER Good. It this the reo? GREENIE Yes S.S.M. BITZER Not much, is he. Do I know you? FRED NERTZ Ingleburn School of Signals, sir. About 8 months ago. BITZER I'm after someone to run the O.R.'s canteen. Get the stock in, run the bar and so on. It's not exactly what you're trained for, but you'd be your own boss. Do you want the job? FRED NERTZ Sounds alright. If I cone back in one piece. BITZER One piece? FRED NERTZ From the Long Hai patrol. BITZER Jesus bloody Christ. Can't you see a leg pull when you meet one. Get rid of that junk. (TO GREENIE) Attach him to Admin troop. He's got the job. Get him out of here. (FRED CROSSES TO THE BAR AND UNLOCKS THE DOOR. HE THROWS THE "JUNK" BEHIND THE BAR) FRED NERTZ So this is Vietnam. The Sandbaggers Inn, One one oh Sig Squadron, First Australian Logistic Support Group, Vung Tau, South Vietnam. Vung Tau is a resort town. Full of resplendent colonial icecream architecture melting in the heat of the tenth parallel. Rotting french forts. porticos peeling paint. Decay. The sewerage system is a cesspool at the back of the houses. The garbage collection is a bulldozer once a month. A picture of a state going down the drain. No. That's not right. It's only one corner of the picture. Business continues somehow. Children still go to school. People live their lives. A certain class still thrive. Up country at a place called Nui Dat the troops are fighting the real war. A war we've already lost. Already preparations are being made to scale down. To start a phased withdrawal. A graduated defeat. Gough. Remember Gough? Gough will get in in '72 and the troops will be home for Christmas. |
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(THE SOLDIERS ENTER AND FORM INTO A LINE. THE C.O. ADDRESSES THE TROOPS FROM THE LECTERN) C.O. Men. I have here the latest intelligence report. It puts Viet Cong strength in our area at six. Six Viet Cong. Against these six men we have arrayed a force in excess of a batallion. That's one thousand men plus versus six. As you might suspect we're winning. Our job is to keep it that way. To prevent the Viet Cong re-establishing in our area and to gain the trust of the villagers. That means civil aid. Part of that civil aid is the support by this unit of the Vung Tau Orphanage. The Sisters of Mary need a working party for this sunday. I want as many volunteers as possible. Sergeant Major. (BITZER SALUTES. THE C.O. RETURN THE SALUTE AND LEAVES) BITZER Right. You, you and you step forward. Thank you for volunteering. (FRED HAS BEEN STANDING AT THE BAR DOOR WATCHING THIS SPEECH. NOW NORSE ENTERS IN DAY UNIFORM) NORSE Come on. Open up. FRED NERTZ Piss off. It's not five yet. NORSE Your watch is slow. FRED NERTZ Yours is fast. NORSE While you're talking you could have served me. FRED NERTZ OK OK I'm open. (ENTERS BAR) What'll you have? NORSE The usual. FRED CLOSES THE BOTTOM HALF OF THE STABLE DOOR SO IT BECOMES A MINI BAR) FRED NERTZ Here. (WHENEVER FRED DISHES OUT A CAN THE RING IS PULLED. THIS IS COMPULSORY) NORSE Thanks. Put it in the book. FRED NERTZ Worst case of withdrawal I've seen since yesterday. NORSE You don't drink, do you? FRED NERTZ I'm a koala bear, am I? Live on gum leaves. NORSE Don't knock koalas. They're not stupid. FRED NERTZ How so? NORSE You see a koala sitting in a gum tree sucking a leaf with a stupid look on his face. He's not dumb. Those gum leaves are full of alcohol. He's pissed out of his mind. FRED NERTZ How do you know. Is he an ancestor of yours? NORSE Read it in the paper. FRED NERTZ Then it must be true. NORSE Give me another. If you don't drink why did you take the job? In the book. FRED NERTZ As barman? NORSE Yes. FRED NERTZ Free Goffers (SALUTES WITH CAN OF SOFT DRINK) NORSE Bullshit. FRED NERTZ You really want to know? NORSE Yes. FRED NERTZ Well I'm actually a member of the Temperance Alliance. I'm working under cover. NORSE The Temperance Alliance? FRED NERTZ Sure. We've tried to stop people drinking and we've failed. So we've adopted a new strategy. We encourage drinking. NORSE Is that so? FRED NERTZ The theory is soon all you pisspots are going to drink yourselves to death. Then the Temperance Alliance will rule the world. NORSE You're a stark raving nut case. (GREENIE ENTERS. HE'S IN CIVIES CARRYING A BAG) GREENIE You're open early. FRED NERTZ Your watch is slow. Put up the front, will you. (THE SHUTTERS ARE RAISED DURING THE FOLLOWING) GREENIE O.K. I want three bottles of Johnny Walker, thanks. FRED NERTZ Red or black? GREENIE Black label thanks. And a bacardi and coke. Did you hear about the guy down the Nog shop? Put it in the book. NORSE One of the nogs? GREENIE No. Some bloke down from Nui Dat. Went mad and started shooting up the cameras. Claimed they were watching him. Bitzer walked in cool as a cucumber and took the gun off him. NORSE That sounds like Bitzer. No brains. FRED NERTZ What sort of camera. GREENIE Pentax. Two hundred dollars a throw. Well I must go. FRED NERTZ Where are you off to? GREENIE Into town. Going hanging. (GREENIE PACKS THE BOTTLES INTO HIS BAG UNDER SOME CLOTHES) FRED NERTZ With three bottles? GREENIE Stock up the flat a bit. FRED NERTZ You've got a flat in town? (GREENIE LAUGHS, MAKES A STRONG ARM GESTURE AND EXITS) NORSE These hang rats get me. Go into town. Stuff the local girls silly. Walk away and forget it. No responsibility. FRED NERTZ He's hardly doing that. He's got a flat. NORSE If a bloke's got to get laid the way to do it is to get a flat going. FRED NERTZ So Greenie said. NORSE Get a bird. Set her up in a flat Keep her well fed and honest. Then when you leave pass her on to your best mate. (PAUSE) That or marry her. (BITTER) Vietnamese girls make good wives. FRED NERTZ Not much of a life for the girls. NORSE It's security. A years security. In a war that's a long time. (THE ORDERLY ROOM. THE 2 I.C. APPROACHES BITZER TENTATIVELY) 2 I.C. S.S.M. BITZER Yes sir. 2 I.C. There's a little job I'd like you to do for me. BITZER Yes sir. 2 I.C. It's a little unusual. Ah, I want the telephone connected. BITZER That's no problem, sir. 2 I.C. In town. BITZER In town? 2 I.C. A flat. I'll give you the address. BITZER I see. 2 I.C. I feel it's necessary. If anything happens here I feel I ought to know. I ought to be on the phone. BITZER It's your flat. 2 I.C. Yes, well. I am human. I have appetites. That's not the question. However I like to be discrete. I wouldn't want anything to get back to the wife and kids. BITZER Yes sir. 2 I.C. You don't think I should have a flat in town? BITZER It's none of my business, sir. 2 I.C. Would it be better if I were to use the bar girls along with the rest of the unit. Or join a queue outside a massage parlor? BITZER As I said sir. It's none of my business. 2 I.C. I just think, as 2 I. C. of this unit, it would be better if I kept my private life out of the public eye. BITZER The men will get to know, sir. 2 I.C. How? BITZER For a start the phone you want will have to be installed. The line will have to be run. The men will have ample opportunity to check out the vital statistics of your amour, sir. 2 I.C. You think I should send her back to her mother for the day? BITZER (GIVING UP) It might help. 2 I.C. Thank you, S. S. M. I'll do that. (BOTH EXIT. |
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THE BAR. EVENING. FRED IS READING. NORSE IN NURSING A DRINK. A CROWD RUSHES IN FROM THE PICTURES. SLUG IS TRAILING. A POOR LAST) SLUG Hey. I was here first. (SLUG TRIES TO PUSH HIS WAY UP TO THE BAR. HE'S ELBOWED OUT. HE BUMPS INTO NORSE) NORSE Watch it. That's me drinking arm. SLUG You're right. It's the one with the muscles. (SLUG FEELS NORSE'S LEG) Look at those. Try and stand up, go on. I bet you can't. NORSE Aw piss off. SLUG The ultimate invective. Aw, piss off. (SLUG FINDS A GAP AT THE BAR AND DIVES INTO IT) NORSE Rabble. SLUG How about serving me. FRED NERTZ Wait your turn. SLUG Then get your finger out. FRED NERTZ What's the rush? SLUG I don't want to miss the picture. (FRED HAS MOVED DOWN TO NORSE'S END OF THE BAR IN THE COURSE OF FIXING DRINKS) FRED NERTZ Does this go on every night? NORSE Every night there's a movie on. While they're changing reels. (THE LAST OF THE MOVIE RUSH EXITS LEAVING ONLY SLUG) SLUG Three Fosters. Come on. Don't open them. FRED NERTZ (OPENS THEM) Take it up with the C.O. SLUG Grub. FRED NERTZ What's the picture? SLUG Woodstock. (SLUG RUSHES OFF) FRED NERTZ Woodstock. I wanted to see that again. NORSE Is it a good movie. FRED NERTZ Yes. You ought to go. NORSE Can't stand movies. Too false. It's an escape from reality. Give me a beer. FRED NERTZ Woodstock's a documentary. NORSE Same thing. In the book. FRED NERTZ It's a watershed. A great movie. The spirit of a generation. NORSE Who'll remember it in five years. (GREENIE ENTERS) GREENIE Where is everybody? FRED NERTZ At the flicks. What do you think of Woodstock? GREENIE What? NORSE See? FRED NERTZ What can I do for you? GREENIE Beer. And I want some ciggies. FRED NERTZ Sure. How many? GREENIE A box. FRED NERTZ A carton. (PLACES A CARTON OF 200 CIGARETTES ON THE COUNTER) GREENIE Put this in the book. No. A box. You know a box? FRED NERTZ You mean a box? GREENIE B. & H. FRED NERTZ A box. NORSE To finance your hanging? GREENIE Beats drinking yourself to death. Do I get the box? FRED NERTZ You mean a box. Ten thousand cigarettes. GREENIE I'm a chain smoker. FRED NERTZ Jeez. (GETS THE BOX) Sixty dollars. How are you going to get it out of camp? GREENIE Stuff it up me jumper. FRED NERTZ Aren't you going to pay for it? GREENIE Put it in the book. (GREENIE EXITS) FRED NERTZ How much will he get for that? NORSE I don't know. A hundred. A hundred and fifty. FRED NERTZ Wow. NORSE It's not necessary. The cost of keeping a bird in town is nothing. The exchange rate does it. The average dig can live like a king if he chooses. FRED NERTZ All those ciggies. Did you see all those ciggies. NORSE One guy I know had a harem. An assistant cook. He did it on one wage and just about killed himself before the system twigged to what was going on. They had to send him home. It was the only way to save him from himself. FRED NERTZ Did you see all those ciggies. NORSE Greenie's working the black market. FRED NERTZ That's right. Ten thousand ciggies. One hundred dollars profit just walked out the door. NORSE So what? FRED NERTZ So? NORSE Are you going to do anything about it? FRED NERTZ No. NORSE Why not? (FRED CAN'T ANSWER. THE C.O. ADDRESSES THE AUDIENCE FROM THE LECTERN) C.O. Today I want to talk about the units casualty rate. It's excessively high. In the last six months we have evacuated ten men to Australia. One man wounded by the enemy, two road accidents, and seven football casualties. These football injuries have got to stop. In future there will be no brawls during or after the game, and players who are drunk will not be allowed to take the field. One last thing. Will the individual who stole the goal posts last saturday please return them. Thank you. (THE ORDERLY ROOM. GREENIE IS SEATED. BITZER ENTERS) BITZER Is there a reo due today? GREENIE Yes sir. A Sig Dickson. Benedict Dickson. BITZER Dickson. Do I know him? GREENIE More than likely. He's a nasho. He would have gone through Ingleburn while you were there. BITZER Dickson. Why do I think of birdshit? I know him for some reason. I'll see him when he arrives. GREENIE Yes sir. BITZER You don't know anything about the goal posts, do you Corporal Green? GREENIE No sir. (BITZER EXITS. GREENIE PICKS UP THE PHONE. FADE) SCENE ENDS copyright (c) 1979 & 1999
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