Here I will fight a battle much greater, much more glorious, and probably less fun than any war against terrorism, oppression, and France combined.
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Recently, I was "surfing the net", whatever the hell that means, and I came across a website run by a man more insane than Charles Manson, the Scientology religion, and any moron who bought an O-Town CD without killing themselves immediately afterward. This man's name is Gene Ray and his psychotic masterpiece, TimeCube.com, wouldn't surprise me if it became the leading cause of prostate tumors. To most of you, that might not make sense, but think about it. This guy's website has abstract, half-baked ideas that he obviously threw together after the syphilis rotting his genitals convinced him that confusing everybody with senseless garbage was the best thing to do. If it can make your brain, the most important organ in your body, feel like it was just thrown down a flight of stairs made out of nails, then chances are it can give your ass a bunch of cancer.
This is the first of many emails sent to that senior citizen with a knack for not making a damn word of sense.
EMAIL #1
From: Henry B jackasskid@hotmail.com
To: Gene Ray oray612959@earthlink.net
Subject: Thank You
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002
Congratulations, your website is a pile of shit. Every bit of overly convoluted crap information that you have to offer has already been said. The people who make the outrageous claims that you do are the same people who wear trenchcoats and talk to squirrels. They also urinate on themselves. Your ideas are that of a crazy homeless man.
And, of course, you're ready to be called stupid because not only are you aware that you're retarded, but you also feel the need to use the word "stupid" as if it were a form of punctuation. Everything is not stupid or evil. You're just pissed off because nobody wants to play Magic cards with you. Your vague thoughts are the result of taking too much Midol.
And Jesus, learn some fucking HTML. I've seen AOL homepages dedicated to puppies dressed up as school buses that make better use of web design. Using a font that's too big for its own good isn't going to make people want to read your senseless ranting. Unless it's being read from several feet away, nobody wants to read oversized fonts. Surely someone who's enlightened would already know that.
So can this Time Cube of yours play video games? I think it should be a CD-based system with a hard drive and the ability to pre-cache important texture maps. I'd watch out, though. A popular software company is working on the SecondSphere2 Box. So you only know about your Time Cube. There are 3 other game systems you are ignorant of. I suggest you go to Best Buy and look up the other three.
In your website (if you want to call it that) you said:
A 1 day Earth = 1 leg horse.
A 4 day Earth = 4 leg horse.
I think you chose that analogy because horses have four legs. But what about three-legged horses? They still survive until they're made into glue, which you happen to snort. And what the hell is a "4 leg horse", anyway? I guess education about the English language is evil.
I can make up my own theory to counteract yours with my own analogy.
A 1 day Earth = 1 penis goat.
A 4 day Earth = 4 penis goat.
Everyone knows a goat can't have four penises! So clearly the Earth must have only one day. Ha! Beaten by a goat penis analogy. And I didn't even have to consume any narcotics!
So where exactly did you find this idea? Were you sitting at McDonald's
eating a Big Mac, accompanied only by your pickle jars filled with urine, to suddenly realize that a big thing that nobody can comprehend is around us? What a crock of shit. I can make up things, too, ya know. A big chicken lives behind your eyes but you can't see it because there's a big chicken behind your eyes. There, prove me wrong. I bet you can't, crazy idiot with a computer.
You said:
"Cubeless academia = armageddon and a barren Earth for children."
only you said it bolded and in italics because we all know that people will believe words better if they're darker and slanted.
Is the Earth really all that barren? It's got enough resources for you to buy the computer you used to make this pathetic excuse for a coherent website. I think the only sign of armageddon I've seen is that you were taken seriously despite the fact that you use the words "stupid" and "evil" too much. And what the hell is up with all of this "(insert random thing) is Cubic" crap? Now you're just making things up. Just chill out and play a Game Cube. And lay off the period medication.
Thank you for showing me what a real crazy person sounds like.
Sincerely,
Henry, another person who is just stupid and evil in your eyes
P.S. I think you're suffering from pregnant hysteria.
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And then the old pecker wrote me back.
RESPONSE #1
From: oray612959@earthlink.net
To: jackasskid@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Thank You
Date: Sun, 03 Feb 2002
My Time is too important to waste with such a stupid ass.
GR
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That's all he wrote and not a word more. What a jerk. I figured I may as well write him back.
EMAIL #2
From: jackasskid@hotmail.com
To: oray612959@earthlink.net
Subject: Rock on, sista
Date: Tue, 05 Feb 2002
"My Time is too important to waste with such a stupid ass."
That is by far the lamest way to say you're too much of a pussy fart to respond to me. You're the one with the website dominated by colorful fonts and an "email" rainbow animated GIF, but for some odd reason I'm the stupid ass.
Your response could have been much more clever. For a self-proclaimed genius you certainly aren't very witty. You should have said "My TimeCUBE is too important to waste with such a stupid ass." I bet after reading that you're probably thinking, "Man, he's right." Or maybe you're thinking, "I'm a fucking idiot with a computer. I can't wait to read my own website. I love fruity fonts and thoughtless crap. I'm going to go piss inside jars and keep them in shopping carts now," and then you'll walk around the house in your mom's lingerie until your dad gets home and starts to have sex with you, only to realize that he's even more aroused by the fact that you're not really your mom. You've got some fucked up parents, man.
You even called me stupid again. What better way to sound like a Nerf javelin thrower at the Special Olympics than to repeat a word you've already beaten to death?
"It's a pity that religious and academic word is a crime against Nature and enslaves Children"
Remember when you said that or did all that Southern Comfort erase your memory? Either way, you're inbred. I'm pretty sure you're allowed to not capitalize "nature" without Nature getting pissed off and writing you nasty emails. And how do academic and religious word enslave children? Children don't walk out to a field every day and pick cotton and think to themselves, "Damn academic and religious word for making me do this." And it's not a pity that whatever the hell you were trying to say happens. It's a pity that people have taken you seriously at all.
May all of your children grow up to be cubeless cowboys.
Sincerely,
Henry
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After that was said, I figured he'd be crawling back to me asking to be my bride. Then I remembered that he's not an ex-girlfriend but in fact just a crazy guy. Here's what he said.
RESPONSE #2
From: oray612959@earthlink.net
To: jackasskid@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Rock, on sista
Date: Tue, 05 Feb 2002
Like I said, my Time is too important to was on such a dunce.
GR
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And so I decided to keep our battle going with a fierce uppercut, a Hurricane Kick, and an email which you will read now.
EMAIL #3
From: jackasskid@hotmail.com
To: oray612959@earthlink.net
Subject: Shame on you
Date: Tue, 05 Feb 2002
Once again, you fail to listen to someone who makes more sense than you. And to think you claim to have lectured at MIT. How did that go even though you can't answer simple questions such as, "Hey Gene Ray, why are you so fucking stupid?" Below is what I imagine would be an accurate account of the words exchanged at one of your MIT lectures.
YOU:"Hi, my name is Gene Ray. I'm here to talk about some stuff I made up after I had some bad LSD. Respect me or I'll call you stupid and then run away crying like a little girl in a dress. See? I'm ready for that part. Look at my dress!"
SOMEGUY: "Excuse me, Mr. Ray, will you please begin talking about your Time Triangle thing? By the way, nice dress."
YOU: "Silence, my Time is too important for you! I will now tell all of you cubeless idiot stupids that are evil about my Time Cube! It is really good and you are all evil and stupid for being educated! Stupid and evil! Stupid! Evil! Stevilupid! Aaaahhhh!!!"
ANOTHERGUY: "Please, Mr. Ray, you're slobbering all over the podium. And please, put your penis away."
YOU: "A 4 Day Earth is like a 4 leg horse! You are all evil and stupid! Everyone is under the control of the Word!"
OTHERGUY: "Stop screaming, sir. And for the love of God, put that dick of yours, away. It's scaring the children."
YOU:"Children are slaves! Cube unity voids 1 god entity. Time Cube disproves God! AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!" (sacrifices live chicken)
STANTHEJANITOR: "So where do you get all of these ideas? What inspired you to become a professional lunatic?"
YOU: "I watch a lot of Dragonball Z and that made me decide that I want to fly around with some yellow hair and shoot fireballs while screaming for no reason. If I can convince people that something like the Time Cube exists, then I could probably dress up like Gohan, my favorite DBZ character, without getting beat up again. Also, I have sex with horses. Alive and dead."
BATMAN: "Please leave. You're clearly a moron."
YOU: "You haven't seen the last of me! Gene "Magic Card Champion" Ray shall return!!!!" (gets dragged out of MIT lecture hall by security guards dressed up as dinosaurs.)
And there we have it. I have no reason to believe that what you said in that story isn't something that you wouldn't do.
By the way, I noticed another retarded argument you offered for the four people who read your site (you, me, your mom, and her fat ass).
"USA was a redskin nation and is now a whiteskin nation. It will become a blackskin nation and then an asianskin nation. There are 4 Worlds for 4 races, but only 1 World is racial slop."
Exactly how much ecstasy did you have to take before you decided to openly state this blatant example of your mom's drinking problem, Raver Boy? Are you aware that there are more than four races in America? There are also hispanics, Arabs, Indians and the Boston Marathon. Could it be that hispanic people are going to bring your cracked ass theory to its knees? Could Arabs kick your Time Cube in the junk until it pisses blood? Could the Boston Marathon make you sweat and pant? Of course it could. You're out of shape, fatty, and your theory is full of dead rotting llamas. Have sex with cancer.
And for future reference, you don't have to capitalize the word "time". But of course, you're better than education. You have the power of arrogance on your side. Shame on you for ever calling yourself wise.
Sincerely,
Henry
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RESPONSE #3
From: oray612959@earthlink.net
To: jackasskid@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Shame on you
Date: Tue, 05 Feb 2002
Hi Stupid Henry ....................................
GR
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