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Page 2
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Calculus 2
Unlike all my other high school classes, Calc 2 is at an actual college. It appears that I'm not as stupid as my swear words and toilet humor would imply. Instead of taking AP Calculus,  I make a weekly voyage to Oakland Community College with Ben, a fellow genius. For those of you unfamiliar with OCC, you should know that people either go there because they're too smart for their high school or too stupid or lazy for any other college. That doesn't mean that everybody there has the mental capacity of a squash, but a hell of a lot of kids there are only at OCC because they couldn't get into a more credible activity after graduating high school. Like, for example, Taco Bell. I think the people spitting in my Chicken Enchirito have a brighter future than the guy paying to take classes he failed in high school so he can leave college and get a job spitting on my Chicken Enchirito and getting paid less because he started later. Either way, the staff at Taco Bell can suck a dolphin's wrinkled dolphin penis for spitting on my fucking tacos.
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I've noticed one major difference between college and high school. It's not the education offered. It's not the scheduling. It's the bitches. They're not the same as high school girls. It could be that they're older, wiser, and more refined. Or it could be the fact that they have bigger titties.
What follows is a comparison chart that...uh...compares.
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High School Girls
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College Girls
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Looks (by comparison)
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Not to insult high school girls too much, but from what I've observed college girls kick much more ass. Nah, they're too good to kick ass. They kick high school girls' faces. And then they go model for lingerie catalogs and get breast implants and other common college activities. Sure, high school girls are still very attractive, but college girls are much higher on the fuckability scale. And god, why are all high school girls' eyes so fucked up?
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All college women look like this. Every last one of them. Any unattractive girl found on a college campus is either a confused janitor, a lost farm animal, or a guy.
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"You wanna hang out some time?"
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"Der, me no date yoo. Yoo no play futbawl. Must buy shoes!"
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"I'd find it highly illogical to date a fool such as yourself. I have much more important matters to attend to, such as my job as a stripper."
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Dating status
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Seeing a guy who's taking college algebra
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Seeing a guy who's teaching college algebra
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Been in a Girls Gone Wild video?
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Not old enough
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Too many to count.
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"Do you find me attractive?"
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No.
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Hell no.
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"Are you a virgin?"
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"Of course not. I thought I was in love this guy because he filled me up with a warmth I've never felt before. So I did what any girl would do and I slept with him in the back of his mom's minivan. Later I found out that that warm feeling is felt by anybody full of Bacardi."
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"A virgin where? I don't think I've had it in my left ear yet. Wait, no, I'm thinking of my left nostril. I've even had sex in some holes in my back some guy made with his Sex Drill. Sure, it hurt, but I don't care because I'm an idiot. And to think, all college girls are just like me!"
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"Hey, you wanna see my penis?"
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"Oh God! Put that god damn thing away! This is like the fourth time this week!"
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"No, damn it! Get the hell out of my chemistry class! I don't even know you!"
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Ok, enough about college women. There's also the educational aspect of this college class. Unfortunately, I don't know a god damn thing about the calculus I'm supposed to be slapping around like a drunken birthday clown. And since nobody will laugh at feeble jokes about the unit circle, I'll do what I can do make feeble jokes about this one guy who wandered into my calc class.
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Sure, this picture doesn't really apply much to the story, but it's got the word "marijuana" in it. And I'd bet that marijuana, whatever the hell it is, was coursing through that guy's veins like heroin. Or marijuana.
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I was sitting there in calc class feeling like a jackass. Why wouldn't I? I was probably the youngest person in there. And, based on my test scores, I'd bet I was the stupidest, too. The stupidest until that idiot walked in. When he first sat down I thought "Great. He's Asian. Time to feel inferior." I'm not meaning to stereotype, but let's face it: Asians are usually smart. Usually. This guy must have been a discolored white kid who sort of looked Asian because he fell asleep funny on his bong and his face never went back to normal. He walked in a half hour late, sat down in a desk close to mine and started daydreaming about heroin or something. Then, he turned around and said some stuff to me.
The following dialogue will be presented in Translate-O-Vision. What people mean will be placed next to what they say. Sure, this isn't TV so putting "Vision" in this device's title wasn't really necessary or accurate, but uh...hey, look at this dialogue I wrote!
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STONER KID:
Hey, is this the calc 2 class?
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Oh shit, I'm indoors.
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ME:
Yeah.
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But it's not Woodstock, fuckhead.
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STONER KID:
I'm Jasper.
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I'm stoned.
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ME:
I'm Henry.
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I'm wondering why you bothered showing up.
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STONER KID:
So do we have to turn in homework in this class?
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Is my grade gonna suffer if I smoke crack instead of learn outside of class?
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ME:
No.
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You're not going to, are you?
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STONER KID:
(laughs) Cool.
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No, I'm not.
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ME:
Uh...ok.
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I don't know what to say to you now.
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STONER KID:
(Laughs again) It's been three years since I took my first year of calc.
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I'm a big fucking idiot.
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At that point he fell asleep while our teacher taught the class something really important and necessary for passing Calculus 2. It was the kind of thing you'd want to be conscious and sober for. Oh well, Jasper. I'm sure you'll be great at assembling Taco Supremes. But if you spit in them, I'll be sure to smash your stoner face into that digital touch pad thingy those Taco Bell employees use to screw up your order.
This concludes yet another section of what will soon be a series of crappy pages about Henry's drab senior schedule. In the descriptions to come, many questions will be answered. What other things is he supposed to learn? Does he really care about education? And, most importantly, who the fuck cares? Be sure to read the next part of this ongoing story if I ever create it. Damn, I'm lazy.
(Update: No, I'm never making a page 3.)
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