2/01
- My wife when drives is like lightening.
- What she drives so fast?
- No, hit the trees.

2/02
A woman answers the phone in a busy office, 
"Good morning, Cleveland Parachute Club".

A startled man on the other end replied, 
"Excuse me, but isn't this the Cleveland 
Prostitute Club"?

"Oh no sir", came the embarrassed reply, 
"this is the Cleveland Parachute Club".

"Damn!" said the man. "I'm afraid I made a 
big mistake. Last week your salesman called 
and signed me up for two jumps a week".

2/03
On a trip in Scotland tourists visited Loch Ness Lake.
One of them asked the guide:"And when usualy the monster is showing up?"
"Well after about 5th glass of whiskey."

2/04
70-year old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back 
with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. 
How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and 
do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. 
He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle 
of the night to go to the bathroom *poof* the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* 
the light goes off." "Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later 
in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. Ethel, he said, "George is doing fine. 
Physically he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship 
with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and *poof* the light goes on 
in the bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light goes off?" Ethel 
exclaimed, "Oh, no! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!" 

2/05
If dandruff is moving, that`s lices.

2/06
- Does erotic dreams torment you?
- Why torment?

2/07
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had 
saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a 
bathtub, the director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him 
into his office. 

"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that 
you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved 
later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung him up to 
dry."

2/08
- Daddy, is it true that war brings only troubles?
- Yes it`s true, I met your mother during the war.

2/09
A distiguished-looking man entered a Geneva bank and
inquired about taking out a loan for 1000 Swiss francs.

"What security can you offer?" the banker asked.
"My Rolls-Royce is parked out front," he said, "I will
be away for a few weeks.  Here are the keys."

A month later, the man returned to the bank and paid
off the loan, 1,017 francs with interest.

"Pardon me for asking," the banker said, "but why a
one-thousand-franc loan for a man of your obvious means?"
"Very simple!" he replied, "Where else can you store a
Rolls for a month for seventeen francs?!"

2/10
- My Michael loves me so much, that he would eat me!
- What, he is no longer member of The Animal Protection Organization?

2/11
Bill plays wHoreMonica!

2/12
Three weeks after her wedding day, Joanna called her minister. 
"Reverend," she wailed, "John and I had a DREADFUL fight!"
"Calm down, my child," said the minister, "it's not half as bad as you
think.  Every marriage has to have its first fight!" 
"I know, I know!" said Joanna.  "But what am I going to do with the
BODY?"

2/13
- John had no luck with either of his wives... First one ran away from him...
- And second?
- Second stays.

2/14
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is
pregnant.  This is her first pregnancy.  The doctor asks
her if she has any questions.
She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain.
How much will child birth hurt?"
The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman
and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to
describe pain."
"I know, but can't you give me some idea?" she asks.
"Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..."
"Like this?"
"A little more..."
"ike ish?"
"No. A little more..."
"hike ish oowww?"
"Yes. Does that hurt?"
"Ummmha yahhh."
"Now stretch it over your head!"

2/15
- Two tickets in 1st row please.
- For "Tristan & Isolda"?
- No, for me and my wife.