4/01
During a tedious, cross-country, red-eye flight, the Captain came on the intercom 
and methodically gave his passenger briefing, 
"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain speaking. We will be cruising at 35,000
feet, blah, blah..." 

After completing his statement, the over-worked Captain forgot to disconnect his mike, 
and the next thing the passengers heard was, 
"You know, I sure could go for a cup of coffee and a blowjob right about now..." 

Upon hearing this, the stewardess at the front of the plane immediately turned and 
ran to the cockpit to inform the Captain of his miscue. While scurrying past the first 
class section, a passenger raised his hand and was heard to say, 
"Don't forget the coffee!!!" 

4/02
- Young man, you already third bus stop crouching me!
- But what can I do?!
- Well do at least something!

4/03
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! 
If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." 

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. 

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: 
"Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." 

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, 
barely missing him. 
"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. 
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the heck were you when I got married?"

4/04
Can you imagine yesterday in a church, i saw how a woman next to me, you won`t believe
 - tooked a cigarette and began to smoke. I nearly droped my beer.

4/05
What`s baldness? That`s slowly, but progressive turning of head into ass.
First by form, then by content.

4/06
A bus stops in Brooklyn and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in 
animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, 
but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say: 

"Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, 
they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more." 

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk 
about our sex lives in public." 

"Hey, cool down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi." 

4/07
- I never had sex with my wife before marriage, said one man to another. what about you?
- Me? Let me think! What was the last name of your wife before marriage?

4/08
At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from 
a drunk guy asking what time the bar opens. "It 
opens at noon," answers the clerk.

About an hour later he gets a call from the same 
guy, sounding even drunker. "What time does the 
bar open?" he asks.

"Same time as before... Noon," replies the clerk.

Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered. 
"Whatjoo shay the bar opins at?"

The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but 
if you can't wait, I can have room service send 
something up to you."

"No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"

4/08
Line inspector making his beat noticed a man layed on the rail.
"What are you doing here", the line inspector asked.
"I don`t want to live any more" said the man, "I want Paris EXPRESS to make my days ends"
The line inspector: "Paris EXPRESS? In that case you`ll have to lay on another line,
because on that line is Berlin EXPRESS."


4/09
A husband & wife were sitting home one evening watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire." 
The husband looks at the wife and says, "C'mon honey, lets go upstairs and fool around." 
The wife says, "NO!" The husband says, "Aw c'mon. Let's go upstairs and fool around." 
The wife again says, "NO!" The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" 
The wife says, "YES, that is my final answer." The husband then asks, "Can I phone a friend?"

4/10
English Lord camed home. At the entrance, steward said:
- So what, old goat, you again went to drink and for woman.
- No John, I went to buy hearing apparate.

4/11
Roger and Jack were on the 14th hole, ready to tee off when a funeral 
procession drove down the adjoining road. Seeing the hearse, Roger stopped, 
took off his hat, and placed his hand over his heart. "Wow!" said Jack, 
"I never knew you had so much respect for the dead." "I ought to," said Roger, 
"I was married to her for forty years!"

4/12
- Holmes, why you are not married?
- Cause in that way you`ll get a lot of problems, Watson. Imagine, you sit after 
  a hard day in your armchair, resting, reading "Playboy". And suddenly you hear
  at the front entrance "voice" of your wife and in the same time at the back 
  entrance barking of your dog. Whom you`ll let in first?
- Who will make more noise, I guess...
- You have to let the dog first, Watson. Dog will stop barking after that.

(by the way did yo ever thought why really Holmes was not married, and spent so much 
 time with Watson...? what they were doing together in the rest of the time?)  

4/13
Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to
the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his
seat."

Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her
charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass
easily. "My dear Mr. Wilson," she gushed, "fancy meeting
you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're
almost a stranger.  My, but I'm tired!"

The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen
her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down,
Mary, my girl.  It isn't often I see you on washday.  No
wonder you're tired.  Being pregnant isn't easy.  By the
way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday.   My wife is
going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or
not she can get your husband out of jail."

4/14
Dad: Did you ask Mamma if you could have that apple?
The Boy: Yes, I did.
Dad: Be careful, now: I`ll ask Mamma, and if she says you didn`t ask her,
I`ll whip you for telling a lie. Did you ask Mamma?
The Boy: Trully, Papa, I asked her, ... she said I couldn`t have it.

4/15
Man: Why are you so sad?
The writer: I met a fellow today who had never heard of Shakespeare.
Man: You needn`t worry about that.
The writer: Of course not, but it filled me with melancholy, perhaps some day I too
may be unknown.