It's Only a Game!


Since there aren't any particularly exciting new games on the horizon (or at least none that appeal to the rather odd tastes of Tangycheese and myself), this month's feature is a witty, cunning and amusing (naturally) look at various outlandish oddities which appear in games, yet which no-one ever notices to be as bizarre as Tangy's dress sense.



Video games: the home of realism and truth, where everything is innately plausible, completely accurate and a flawless depiction of real life.

In fact, many important lessons can be learned about particular circumstances in life which we would never have known about had not our favourite Nintendo and PC games been there to prove them beyond all doubt. Like these:


Dress of Steel

A girl in a party frock can withstand ten times as many bullets as a trained soldier wearing body armour. (Perfect Dark)


Iron Bladder

No matter how much milk and potions Link drinks, he never has to go behind a bush. (Zelda)


Closing the Gap

You can fly a spacecraft at full speed towards a stationary boss for several minutes and never get any closer to it. (Starfox / Lylat Wars)


Mightier Than the Sword

Being kicked by a small boy is just as painful as being stabbed through the chest by a sword. (Super Smash Brothers)


The Suit is Not Enough

You can stuff 20 automatic weapons, 14 pistols, 12 grenades, 30 mines, 10 knives and a couple of rocket launchers into a dinner jacket and still run around without breaking a sweat. (Goldeneye)


Plane Stupid

Evil tyrants can be defeated by racing them in a small aeroplane. (Diddy Kong Racing)


Inertia? What's Inertia?

A very fat man on a jetski can reach a much higher top speed than a thin woman on an identical craft. (Wave Race 64)


Highway Hardiness

A go-kart (and rider) can be run over by several trucks in succession, and still be in perfect working order. (Mario Kart 64)


Barrel of Fun

You can put 5 gorillas into a small barrel, and they'll still have room to dance around inside. (Donkey Kong 64)


Nitro Machines

If you drop a miniature car on the floor, it will explode. (Micro Machines 64 Turbo)


Hermaphrodino

After a good meal, even a male dinosaur can instantly lay an egg. (Yoshi's Story)



Oh, You Speak English on Aiur?

Every race of beings in the galaxy speaks the same language. (StarCraft)


I Can Hear You!

Guards who show no surprise at a door apparently opening of its own accord will nevertheless be able to pick out an intruder's footsteps no matter how many of their friends are stomping around nearby. (Thief)


An Ounce of Gold is Worth More Than an Ounce of Gold

The price of gold will rise if you have a bigger castle to keep it in. (WarCraft II)


I'm Selling in the Reign

In the future, sending water into space to be shipped away and sold will result in its value being instantly teleported into your bank account. (Dark Reign)


Written by: Maverik