I got the topmost marks in the second trimester in the college. KP seemed disappointed and told me not to work too hard. “You don’t want to waste yourself like that,” she said. I said, I did. I daren’t tell her about D - and the impending threat of my getting murdered - er... married - to him, etc.
One day she said that she wanted to see me in a sari. I remarked that she could come to the college party in February, but she didn’t reply. I knew she wouldn’t, and also realized that she was lonelier than I was. I could talk to anyone on the campus, and girls came to me to seek advice about small matters. I didn’t lack acquaintances, only friends - or rather, one friend. Even in KP I had been unable to find a confidante to whom I could speak about myself. I urged her to be more studious, but she didn’t ever study at all. I had never told her about own self, my problems, my reservations, my things or interests. She had given me, among other books. “The Dracula” and several palmistry books to read. She scoffed at Enid Blyton, while I was secretly fond of her books, and still read them - though I felt ashamed to admit it to KP.
KP came to the college party and had me called outside. I was wearing a blue and gold sari, which was rather good. She stared at me unbelievingly, and put my sari right from all sides. Then, unexpectedly, she kissed my forehead, and turned away quickly and went outside the anteroom. I ran after her; I wanted to accompany her soul. I saw her getting into a car and went there.
“KP, I should think...” I started but stopped. She introduced me to her brother, and they both got out of the car. KP talked very fast, while her brother looked around and everywhere but me. I felt unwanted and wondered why I had rushed there - that brother of hers was a dangerous man. I said goodbye and hurried back.
I think KP and I got estranged - alienated - at that point. She didn’t come to the college after that for nineteen days. I wrote poems on her and burnt and tore them, and felt foolish. I threw myself into work again. At that time, in the last week of February, another girl began to keep me company. I took her as she came and began going about with her. I took interest in her studies and work, and tried to lose myself in her company. She asked me several times every day to help her - having the same subjects as me - and I kept busy but never once lost KP from my mind. Then came another two girls - we were all day scholars ad had lunch together on the lawns. I really didn’t want them to be around me, but somehow they stuck there and kept me company - even though I wanted to be alone.
March came, so did KP. She kept aloof, but I insisted on her joining us for lunch, etc. KP never got on with my new company - she used to sit and stare at them rather soulfully, an attitude which made them nervous. “Creeps,” she called them vehemently after they had gone.
I was successful in one thing, and I am proud of it - very proud - to be able to move such a person to anything good was really very creditable. KP used to be an atheist - a confirmed non-believer in any powers higher than man. She said that if there had been any God, he wouldn’t let her suffer in silence. I learnt about this non-believing tendency of hers when she joined my RME class. She wouldn’t have attended it if it hadn’t been for the sake of my company, she told me, and I believed her. One day everyone had to pray, but KP sat on stolidly and looked out of the window. When questioned she said she didn’t care a fig for the god we talked about.
Anyway, I told her patiently about God as much as I knew. In return she showed me her sketchbook, filled with nude drawings in very awkward postures. I didn’t talk to her after that for two days. But soon I was taken in by the way she laughed and teased me. I felt she needed me - the same was as PBS did in class ninth. So I told her to read some of the holy books - she declined to do anything of the kind. She said all those who read them were hypocrites and fools - like her grandmother and mother.
I then persuaded her to come to the chapel. She argued a lot but then consented, perhaps to humour me. She thrice went to the chapel with me. After that I got busy in my studies, but she kept visiting the chapel - alone. She found relief there, she told me. My studies of logic, philosophy and elementary astronomy were very absorbing for me. And my new friends took the rest of my time. KP gave me resentful looks, and drew apart. I think now that the chapel had bought to her the tremendous break she so much needed - and she no longer needed me to help.
She tried to aid my studies by debating points on which I was quite clear and leaving me confounded. For two months, during the summer vacations, we had to separate altogether. She never came to my house. The exams were late that year. She had all the books I needed, but I felt afraid to ask her for them.
When the college reopened, we met again like real old friends, who don’t have anything left to talk about. We simply walked the grounds, and I tried to understand her moods, her pacings, her restlessness, her sadness, her silence, her occasional exuberance. But she talked very seldom now. She still went to the chapel service - daily.
I never understood on thing - what was it that she sought in our relationship. That I was five years younger than her was of no consequence, but I couldn’t understand some of her statements then - this could have been a barrier between us. I was not as talented as she was - I never wrote poems as good as hers, nor drew or painted as well, nor was I rich or had any other attraction in me. I was only good in studies, but that she counted as insignificant. I often thought that there could be some major plan behind her selecting me as a companion... Later, very late, I learned of the phenomenon of catharsis - the therapy of talking it out - the duality of human factors, the theory of unconscious, the triple energy theory, the collective mind, the concepts of sublimation and rationalization...
The break up came due to two reasons. Firstly, I topped the college in BA-I. KP was never jealous - in fact, she was the first to whack my back heartily - but I could see, and she confirmed it herself next day, that she would rather not have a bookworm for a bosom friend.
Then one day she asked me to tell my mother everything about her and ask her advice about what KP should do. I did so, and told her that my mother was of the view that KP had taken the right decision in being an air hostess - but she should be more considerate towards her parent, and should definitely stop drinking. There was no reason why she couldn’t get a divorce and remarry after some time - but she should stop drinking and smoking. KP listened very attentively.
We drifted apart after this. I met R in August to September. KP came to college only once a week or so. She got a divorce in August-September. She gave me sweets to take home, and drank the whole night for celebration.
We still meet regularly in class time, but in spite of our mutual understanding, I remain a bookworm, and she a flighty spirit...
KP was very fond of owls also. I tried to tell her that they were bad omens. But she said that as far as she is concerned, they are good omens; the day she had seen her first owl, her grandmother had died. The second time, when she had purchased an owlet and hidden it in her room, her husband had taken seriously ill. She kept two owls in a roomy netted shift, and let them out only at night. I was scared of this girl again, because she was so willful, so unnatural. She wouldn’t let me advise her about the better points of life. I often told her to come and meet my mother, who was the best adviser I knew. She promised, but never came.
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