At 10:30, during Lady Macbeth’s class, the peon came to call me downstairs. Someone was waiting for me. I went and found R in the Waiting Room. There was no one else there. he stood up and said, “Hello - why did you cry all night?”
“Certainly not!” I said.
“Listen, I want to have a reply just now,” he said seriously, and became jovial again, “have to catch a plane to New York to get a ring, if you say ‘yes’ - or to Siberia, if you say ‘no’.”
“What reply? You never asked anything?”
“Will you, madam, I beg you on my knees... oh bother, I forgot to ask you something rather important prior to all this. Do you.. I mean, are you engaged to someone?” he pointed to the ring on my finger. “You always wear that.” He looked at me expectantly.
I fidgeted with my dupatta, put my palm by the side of my face to hide it, then removed the ring at once, and felt hot all over. I had always felt like lying to him because he was so great. I couldn’t control myself and said, “yes.” I said guilty after that, but rationalized it to myself by thinking of the unsaid commitment to D.
“What?” he said. “Here, look at me, Meera.” - He had always called me Meera even after I told him my name. I kept looking down, because I wouldn’t have known what to say otherwise.
“Meera,” he said. “Listen, I... I am sorry that I persecuted you like this - I often thought you’d think of me as another Romeo - but I never dreamt you’d be engaged at your age.” He stopped. I looked in the mirror behind him, and saw his profile, white and perspiring - and then mine, red like nothing I had seen before.
He spoke for the last time, hesitating, “You must love him, of course... I should have really asked all this before - I’ll take that plane to Siberia now, don’t worry. Forget it and never tell all this to him, otherwise you never know what... and don’t, don't get married till at least five years. You’re a real dummy at present. And of course, I will never come again after this ‘Bye’,” he said, and went to the door. I felt my legs trembling so I went and sat on the sofa. He turned and said bye again and went away. I never looked at him. Two minutes later a mobike was kicked into life, and roared away.
I sat for an hour and thought over it all. I had wanted to tell him that I’d love to have him as a friend, but I wouldn’t serve him like he was a god. What would be the future of my awful habit of seeing something in someone, and trying to befriend him.
Of course, he’ll never come again - of course... I thought monotonously. It was too good to last, you idiot, I told myself. And just think how lucky you were to get out in time - suppose, he had been a gangster? But couldn’t he have gone on being friend? I felt bitter again. I never expected anything from him, so why should he have done so? My mind told me that he was a very decent person not to have taken any advantage at my expense... but then, even I had never exploited him. He wanted to pour out his family troubles and I had helped him by listening. There was nothing between us...
I thought of him stopping by the door, and was furious with myself. I should have told him that I wanted to compete in the Civil Services exams, that I would prefer a career to anything or anyone, that I was nearer to him in spirit than to D, that I wanted us to be friends, and that I’d like to talk too, that... it was an endless chain of unlinked thoughts.
I got up when some people came in, and went for a walk around the campus. I missed all the classes that day, even forgot that my books were in Lady Macbeth’s class. Only at 3:30 when I went to get my things, I remembered that. I felt it in my bones that they’d be with her. I found her sitting with a bundle of copies, checking them fervently.
“Come in,” she sang. I went and sat in my chair. “How, now, brown cow,” she chanted - I didn’t, couldn’t, laugh - “Hallo, long face,” she said, peering over her glasses, “are you gone berserk?”
“I’m OK. I wanted to ask you something...,” I said. “...about love,” I added.
She made a terrible face, “Must you?” she said, “Just a minute, this copy is almost finished and has finished me.”
I fiddled with her pens. She became very conspiratorial all of a sudden. “You want to fall in love? That’s the fellow who came to meet ya? Why didn’t ya return?”
“Will you listen ma’am? I want to know if inflicting pain over each other by using lies and hurting words, or even using praise that is hurtful to the other, consists of love?”
She pondered and made faces - then made a cat on the blotter, and showed it to me, and made her eyes dance very comically. I laughed again. “Yes, I think so. But... it is all very vague.”
She made me tell her everything. It was almost five O’clock when I finished. Strangely, I wasn’t crying or being sad at all. I was actually very happy over it. I felt remarkably light. Lady Macbeth was serious. She said, “That was an aw-full-y nice chap. Wouldn’t mind to meet him myself. But don’t you feel bad now?” “I think I’m unhappy because I could not tell him I like him as a friend. But I am glad I didn’t consent to...”
“Look here,” said Lady Macbeth. She ticked the points on her fingers. “You should be proud that he offered himself to you, be happy because you have your own free will and can exercise it, be sad to lose a friend, be glad to be un-shackled, be true to yourself and your ambitions, and be ready to defy your parents after BA. You are not wrong at all.”
She was very sweet about it all. I felt much better. “I’m not a sadist, am I, ma’am?”
“Naw, ma’am. But you are a very young fool. there’s nothing bad in getting married, but it is good for you to study more and quench your thirst. I know how you feel ma’am,” she said.
We got up and arranged the things. She gave me the books - she had got them after all. She patted me on my back, and chucked me under my chin, and poked my ribs. I was feeling great. She said while locking the door, “Someone will be better than everyone else in the world some day, for your eyes only, pussy-kitty. And this fellow wasn’t him by all looks, was he?”
I said not really. I reached home at 5:30, and was asked where I had been. I looked out and saw D standing at his gate. I felt free of him also. “I was having a session with Dr Corfield,” I told them, “About life and living.”
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