The Personality and Marriage

(Granger): The whole area of thinking about marriage is under examination today. This is, indeed, an important area of life where beliefs need to be examined carefully. Values and concepts need to be exposed to open thought and maybe we can come to some better arrangements. There can be no resolution to the problems inherent in marriage, nor can there be an understandable basis for marriage until, first, there is a clear understanding of the relationship and status of all women in relation to all men. The historical basis for these relationships is so steeped in the cultures and customs of so many civilizations that it is all but impossible to untangle and explain how the present status became established. One observation is quite obvious, very little was based on facts. Beliefs ran the gamut, from equal rights for men and women, to no rights whatsoever for women. Man was the king of the forest and the woman was his slave. Modern concepts of marriage may go to other extremes, where there is little basis for any social structures that will survive the rigors of life. We are no moralists; we are not here to judge; we have no axe to grind nor do we have any dogma to sell. We do believe, however, that we could make some contribution by giving some background that would be of help to anyone contemplating marriage ...or considering the merits of avoiding it, for that matter.

There is very little one could write about marriage that has not been written before; however, let us examine the reasons for, or against, marriage as we observe them from this side. It is not a very beautiful picture we see from here. Observing marriages in general, we would have to say that the average marriage is not the dream that was in the minds of the couple entering this agreement. That does not mean that marriage per se is not a desirable arrangement, not by any means. The problem rests with people, not with the idea of marriage. Let us relax, go back a little, and see why marriage has any real value or purpose in life ...if it does. The idea behind marriage rests in the concept of providing a basic social structure in which parents may raise children in a certain sense of security and stability. Others, who may not for whatever reasons have children, desire the arrangement of marriage out of love and a desire for a recognized structure in which to share living and experience life together. Others again, we suspect, simply get married because they or their parents believe it is the desirable or respectable thing to do, love may or may not enter the arrangement.

The idea that marriages are made in heaven has, we observe, pretty well gone by the boards in today's society. Most people, to start with, do not believe in heaven, many do not believe in God, and almost none believe that marriages survive death of the physical body. Having viewed the situation from this side, we have no central, established point of view or consensus of opinion to present as representative of this group. However, we do have some observations that we would like to present.

In our opinion, there is very little to be gained from any form of trial marriage. If you are in so much doubt about yourself and the partner you wish to live with on trail, we suggest that you are testing the wrong area of life. In most of these situations, what is needed is a deeper examination of the stuff of which the individual is made. The trial marriage is very often simply a crutch to hold up an insecure personality.

We do not suggest that the person who rushes into a marriage is any more mature or more likely to succeed. He or she may simply be less aware of personal weaknesses than the one who senses the need for a trial, and feels the insecurity behind the need. What we observe to be the need here, in many situations of this sense of insecurity on entering marriage, is for the individual to do more self-examination prior to entering any partnership or arrangement with any other person. You cannot put any marriage in order until you first put your own life in order. Many people, even with all the education and special benefits of today's society, have very vague concepts of themselves as persons. How can I possibly expect to enter any arrangement to live with any other person, with any hope of a reasonable degree of satisfaction and happiness, until I first understand who I am, why I am here, and what it is that I expect from life? Most people, we realize, would consider this personal reflection too idealistic.

The idea behind a marriage should be precisely: "What is the contribution I can make to this arrangement?" We tend to think: "What is in it for me? How will life be better for me? Will I get the things I want out of this marriage?" That attitude, which is very common, is nonetheless a mark of immaturity. The mature individual (nothing whatsoever to do with age) knows who he or she is, and is prepared to change habits and make adjustments to achieve more desirable goals in life. Many cannot accept the idea of the need to change attitudes and play new roles when entering a marriage. They expect to have all the benefits of the single life with those of marriage added on.

No partnership arrangement should be entered into without the idea of making changes in attitudes, habits, and patterns of life and without accepting full responsibility for making the partnership work. The mature person knows instinctively that he or she can change, needs to change, wants to change in order to develop; he and she know that change does not deprive them of their identity in any way. They have dropped the little security-blanket of a fixed set of self-images that cannot accept growth. Everybody wants to grow, but few can willingly accept change. How can one grow without accepting change?

Whenever two people are about to engage in matrimony they should give all due consideration to the purpose of life for each partner as assigned by the High-soul of that person prior to birth. It may, or may not, be possible to achieve the purpose of life in this pending marriage. No one should enter a marriage - or a career, for that matter - without some due contemplation of the real purpose of the individual person in this given life on earth. It is well to remember that each person gets one shot at life on earth, in spite of popular beliefs in reincarnation. When we mess up a lifetime with a bad marriage, or in a wrong career, we do not commit psychic-suicide or anything of such drastic measures; however, it is not the best pattern of life through which to achieve our goals. Some consideration of this nature should be given to our life goals before proceeding at the drop of a hat ...or the flick of the eyelash. Prior to a marriage, we should spend some time trying to sort out our personal degree of maturity. We see need for more serious counselling prior to any marriage. The wretched conditions created out of poor marriages is staggering to observe. Better that men and women should remain single than enter into such emotional upheavals for a lifetime. In this day and age there is no great problem for any average woman to have a career or profession of her own, with her own financial independence. We wonder why so many women feel such pressure to get married to someone ...almost anyone. Think it over. No need for instant decisions. First, try to determine why you entered this life. Believe me, you have a very real purpose in being here. Now, with these comments, we rest our position on the state of marriage.