WHY IT'S GREAT BEING A BLOKE

A five day holiday requires one overnight bag

Queues for the bathroom don't exist

You can open all your own jars

When clicking through the channels you don't have to stall at everyone where someone's crying

All your orgasms are real

You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around

You can go to the bathroom without a support group

When your work is criticised, you understand that everyone doesn't secretly hate you

You never have to clean a toilet

You can be showered and ready to go in 10 minutes

You save time and money by washing up in bulk every third week

You don't have to shave below your neck

You never have to worry about other people's feelings

Reverse parking is easy

Foreplay is optional

Window shopping is what you do when you buy windows

Robbie Williams does not exist in your universe

You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid. In fact you encourage them

You don't give a rat's ass if no-one notices your new haircut

The remote control is yours and yours alone

Someday you'll be a dirty old man. And you're looking forward to it

Porn movies are designed specifically with your mind in mind

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Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an alcoholic, one was a chain smoker, and one was a homosexual. 

The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, "If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die." The men left the doctor's office, each convinced that he would never again indulge himself in his vice. While walking toward the subway for their return trip to the suburbs, they passed a bar.

The alcoholic, hearing the loud music and seeing the lights, could not stop himself. His buddies accompanied him into the bar, where he had a shot of whiskey. No sooner had he replaced the shot glass on the bar, he fell off his stool, stone cold dead. His companions, somewhat shaken, left the bar, realising how seriously they must take the doctor's words.

As they walked along, they came upon a cigarette butt lying on the ground, still burning. The homosexual looked at the chain smoker and said, "If you bend over to pick that up, we're both dead."

Material on the "Offside" webpages have all been created by other sources, with most of the material having been forwarded to me.  I have named the author when known.  Please let me know if you have created any of the above material and want it removed.