Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.  Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.  In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their cheque book, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word." Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable'." The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. She'll read it slow."

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A pregnant woman from the Bronx gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, when she wakes up she sees that she is no longer pregnant and frantically asks the doctor about her baby.  The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother from The Bronx came in and named them.  The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother ... he's an idiot!"

Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"  "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name, guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, "Denephew."

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Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I cannot accept and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those I had to kill today because they got on my nerves.  Also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the feet I have to kiss tomorrow.  

Help me to always give 100% at work...

12% on Monday

23% on Tuesday

40% on Wednesday

20% on Thursday

and 5% on Friday

And help me to remember.  When I`m having a bad day and it seems that people are trying to wind me up, it takes 42 muscles to frown, 28 to smile and only 4 to extend my arm and smack someone in the mouth !!

Material on the "Offside" webpages have all been created by other sources, with most of the material having been forwarded to me.  I have named the author when known.  Please let me know if you have created any of the above material and want it removed.