A couple went golfing one day at a very exclusive course lined with million dollar homes. On the third tee, the husband cautioned, "Honey, be careful when you drive. If we break one of those windows it'll cost us a fortune to repair".

Of course, she tee'd off and promptly shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to watch out! Now we'll have to go up there and apologize and see how much that lousy drive is going to cost us."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and a warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke the window?" "Uh yeah, we're sure sorry about that" the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem", said the genie, "You've got it, it's the least I can do." "And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world" she said.

"Consider it done." the genie said. "And now," the couple both asked in unison,"what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?" She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering all that, I guess I wouldn't mind." The genie and the woman went upstairs where he ravished her for the rest of the afternoon. Both satisfied each other repeatedly, and afterwards, the genie rolled over and looked at the wife and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35" she responded breathlessly.

"No shit! Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

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How To Speak About Women And Be Politically Correct:

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.

She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.

She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.

She does not TEASE or FLIRT - She engages in ARTIFICIAL STIMULATION.

She is not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.

She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.

She does not GET YOU EXCITED - She causes TEMPORARY BLOOD DISPLACEMENT.

She is not KINKY - She is a CREATIVE CARETAKER.

She does not have a KILLER BODY - She is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE.

She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.

She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.

She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.

She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.

She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE

She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.

She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.

She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

...and of course.....

How To Speak About Men And Be Politically Correct:

He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He is not a SEX MACHINE - He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES - He has an INTROSPECTIVE GRAPHIC MOMENT.

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Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better programmer.  This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.  They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several lines of code streaming up the screen. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity.

Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he had come up with. Satan is visibly upset, and cries, "I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out."

"Very well, then." said God, "Let us see it Jesus fared any better." Jesus entered a command, and the screen came to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir poured forth from the speakers.  Satan was astonished and stuttered, "But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus' program is intact! How did he do it?"

God chuckled and replied, "Jesus saves."

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.  The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"  The bum replied, "No."  Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"  The bum said, "No." 

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

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Three engineers were in the bathroom standing at the urinals. The first engineer finished and walked over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeded to dry his hands very carefully. He used paper towel after paper towel and ensured that every single spot of water on his hands was dried.  Turning to the other two engineers, he said, "At Hewlett Packard, we are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second engineer finished his task at the urinal and he proceeded to wash his hands. He used a single paper towel and made sure that he dried his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turned and said, "At Lockheed-Martin, not only are we trained to be extremely thorough, but we are also trained to be extremely efficient." 

The third engineer finished and walked straight for the door, shouting over his shoulder, "At Apple Computer, we don't piss on our damn hands."

Material on the "Offside" webpages have all been created by other sources, with most of the material having been forwarded to me.  I have named the author when known.  Please let me know if you have created any of the above material and want it removed.