. . |
A week later Mrs. Murphy returns to the doctor and he inquires as to how things went. 'Oh it was terrible, just terrible doctor'. 'What happened?' asks the doctor. 'Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee.'
The effect was immediate.' 'He jumped straight up, swept the cutlery off the table, at the same time ripping my clothes off and then proceeded to make passionate love to me on the tabletop.' 'It was terrible.'
'What was terrible?' said the doctor, 'was the sex not good?' "Oh no doctor, the sex was the best I've had in 25 years, but I'll never be able to show my face in McDonald's again.
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Two hillbillies were having the blue plate special at their favorite watering hole when they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady, a few bar stools down, turning blue from wolfing down a Possum Burger too fast. The first Hillbilly said to the other, "think we otta' help?"
"Yep," said the second Hillbilly. The first Hillbilly got up and walked over to the lady and asked, "Kin yew breathe?" She shook her head no. "Kin yew speak?" he asked. She again shook her head no. With that, he helped her to her feet, lifted up her skirt, pulled down her panties, and started licking her butt. She was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with great relief. The first Hillbilly turned back to his friend and said, "Funny how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time!"
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Some facts about life...
God created the donkey and said to him. "You will be a donkey. You will work un-tiringly from sunrise to sunset carrying burdens on your back.
You will eat grass, you will have no intelligence and you will live 50 years." The donkey answered: "I will be a donkey, but to live 50 years is too much.Give me only 20 years." God granted his wish.
God created the dog and said to him: "You will guard the house of man.
You will be his best Friend. You will eat the scraps that he gives you and you will live 30 years.You will be a dog." The dog answered: "Sir, to live 30 years is too much,give me only 15 years." God granted his wish.God created the monkey and said to him: "You will be a monkey.You will swing from branch to branch doing tricks. You will be amusing and you will live 20 years."
The monkey answered: "To live 20 years is too much, give me only 10 years." God granted his wish. Finally God created man and said to him: "You will be man, the only rational creature on the face of the earth. You will use your intelligence to become master over all the animals. You will dominate the world and you will live 20 years." Man responded: "Sir, I will be a man but to live only 20 years is very little, give me the 30 years that the donkey refused, the 15 years that the dog did not want and the 10 years the monkey refused."
God granted man's wish. And since then, man lives 20 years as a man, marries and spends 30 years like a donkey, working and carrying all the burdens on his back. Then when his children are grown, he lives 15 years like a dog taking care of the house and eating whatever is given to him, so that when he is old, he can retire and live 10 years like a monkey, going from house to house and from one son or daughter to another doing tricks to amuse his grandchildren.
That's Life...
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In a Nairobi restaurant:
CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER.
On the grounds of a private school:
NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION.
On an Athi River highway:
TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE.
On a poster at Kencom:
ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP.
In a City restaurant:
OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
One of the Mathare buildings:
MENTAL HEALTH PREVENTION CENTRE.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer:
DO NOTACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS.
In a Pumwani maternity ward:
NO CHILDREN ALLOWED.
In a cemetery:
PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES.
Sign in Japanese public bath:
FOREIGN GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO PULL COCK IN TUB.
Sign in men's rest room in Japan:
TO STOP LEAK TURN COCK TO THE RIGHT.
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations:
GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMIKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED.
On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
OUR WINES LEAVE YOU NOTHING TO HOPE FOR.
In a Tokyo bar:
SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS.
In a Bankok temple:
IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ENTER A WOMAN EVEN A FOREIGNER IF DRESSED AS A MAN.
Hotel brochure, Italy:
THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE.
Hotel lobby, Bucharest:
THE LIFT IS BEING FIXED FOR THE NEXT DAY. DURING THAT TIME WE REGRET THAT YOU WILL BE UNBEARABLE.
Hotel, Yugoslavia:
THE FLATTENING OF UNDERWEAR WITH PLEASURE IS THE JOB OF THE CHAMBERMAID
Hotel, Japan:
YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID.
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox
Monastery:
YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY.
Hotel catering to skiers, Austria:
NOT TO PERAMBULATE THE CORRIDORS IN THE HOURS OF REPOSE IN THE BOOTS OF ASCENSION.
Taken from a menu, Poland:
SALAD A FIRM'S OWN MAKE; LIMPID RED BEET SOUP WITH CHEESY DUMPLINGS IN THE FORM OF A FINGER; ROASTED DUCK LET LOOSE; BEEF RASHERS BEATEN IN THE COUNTRY PEOPLE'S FASHION.
Supermarket, Hong Kong:
FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE, WE RECOMMEND COURTEOUS, EFFICIENT SELF-SERVICE.
Dry cleaner's, Bangkok:
DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
From the "Soviet Weekly":
THERE WILL BE A MOSCOW EXHIBITION OF ARTS BY 15,000 SOVIET REPUBLIC PAINTERS AND SCULPTORS. THESE WERE EXECUTED OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS.
In an East African newspaper:
A NEW SWIMMING POOL IS RAPIDLY TAKING SHAPE SINCE THE CONTRACTORS HAVE THROWN IN THE BULK OF THEIR WORKERS.
Hotel, Vienna:
IN CASE OF FIRE, DO YOUR UTMOST TO ALARM THE HOTEL PORTER.
A sign posted in Germany's Black Forest:
IT IS STRICTLY FORBIDDEN ON OUR BLACK FOREST CAMPING SITE THAT PEOPLE OF DIFFERENT SEX, FOR INSTANCE, MEN AND WOMEN, LIVE TOGETHER IN ONE TENT UNLESS THEY ARE MARRIED WITH EACH OTHER FOR THIS PURPOSE.
Hotel, Zurich:
BECAUSE OF THE IMPROPRIETY OF ENTERTAINING GUESTS OF THE OPPOSITE SEX IN THE BEDROOM, IT IS SUGGESTED THAT THE LOBBY BE USED FOR THIS PURPOSE.
An advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
TEETH EXTRACTED BY THE LATEST METHODISTS.
From a Russian book on Chess:
A LOT OF WATER HAS BEEN PASSED UNDER THE BRIDGE SINCE THIS VARIATION HAS BEEN PLAYED.
A laundry in Rome:
LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME.
Tourist agency, Czechoslovakia:
TAKE ONE OF OUR HORSE-DRIVEN CITY TOURS. WE GUARANTEE NO MISCARRIAGES.
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand:
WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?
In the window on a Swedish furrier:
FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN. > >
The box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:
GUARANTEED TO WORK THROUGHOUT ITS USEFUL LIFE.
In a Swiss mountain inn:
SPECIAL TODAY - NO ICE-CREAM.
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen:
WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS.
On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
IF THIS IS YOUR FIRST VISIT TO THE USSR, YOU ARE WELCOME TO IT.
Cocktail lounge, Norway:
LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR.
At a Budapest zoo:
PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS. IF YOU HAVE ANY SUITABLE FOOD, GIVE IT TO THE GUARD ON DUTY.
Doctors office, Rome:
SPECIALIST IN WOMEN AND OTHER DISEASES.
Hotel, Acapulco:
THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE.
Information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner, Japan:
COOLES AND HEATES: IF YOU WANT JUST CONDITION OF WARM AIR IN YOUR ROOM, PLEASE CONTROL YOURSELF.
Car rental brochure, Tokyo:
WHEN PASSENGER OF FOOT HEAVE IN SIGHT, TOOTLE THE HORN. TRUMPET HIM MELODIOUSLY AT FIRST, BUT IF HE STILL OBSTACLES YOUR PASSAGE THEN TOOTLE HIM WITH VIGOR.
Material on the "Offside" webpages have all been created by other sources, with most of the material having been forwarded to me. I have named the author when known. Please let me know if you have created any of the above material and want it removed.