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"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.
If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you."
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The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you.
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
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Dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 50 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth.
As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.
He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.
A middle-aged, non-descript man in a grey suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. Then he gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market.
Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes firmly but with restraint. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 50 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts thanking him effusively saying "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"
"Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the Inland Revenue."
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In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)
On a bag of Dorritos: "You could be winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside." (The shoplifter special.)
On a bar of Dove soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how ...?)
On some Swann frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (But it's just a 'suggestion'.)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Too late!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (As night follows the day)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save more time?)
On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope.)
On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to what?)
On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (Talk about a newsflash.)
Sorry about this one ... On an American Airlines packet of nuts: "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: Fly Delta.)
On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Was there a spate of this happening somewhere?)
Material on the "Offside" webpages have all been created by other sources, with most of the material having been forwarded to me. I have named the author when known. Please let me know if you have created any of the above material and want it removed.