THIRTY BASIC RULES TO LIFE

1. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, if he gets angry, he'll be a mile away - and barefoot.

2. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

3. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried.

4. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.

5. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.

6. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 

7. I have found at my age going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of my face.

8. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

9. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity. 

10. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

11. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.

12. Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

13. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.

14. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

15. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.

16. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it. 

17. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

18. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.

19. Middle age is when broadness of mind and narrowness of waist change places.

20. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming. 

21. Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

22. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on. 

23. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

24. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than going to garage makes you a mechanic.

25. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.

26. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.

27. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator. 

28. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.

29. I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

30. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.

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This was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno on September 7, 1999...

Jay went into the audience to find the most embarrassing first date that a woman ever had. The winner described her worst first date experience.

There was absolutely no question as to why her tale took the prize!  

She said it was mid-winter...snowing and quite cold...and the guy had taken her skiing. It was a day trip (no overnight). They were strangers, after all, and truly had never met before.  The outing was fun but relatively uneventful until they were headed home late that afternoon.  They were driving back down the mountain when she gradually began to realize that she should not have had that extra caffe latte. They were about an hour away from anywhere with a rest room and in the middle of nowhere.

Her companion suggested she try to hold it, which she did for a while.  Unfortunately, because of the heavy snow and slow going, there came a point where she told him that he had better stop and let her pee beside the road, or it would be the front seat of the his car.  They stopped and she quickly crawled out beside the car, yanked her pants down and started. Unfortunately, in the deep snow she didn't have good footing, so she let her butt rest against the rear fender to steady herself. Her companion stood on the other side of the car watching for traffic and indeed was a real gentleman and refrained from speaking. All she could think about was the relief she felt despite the rather embarrassing nature of the situation.  

Upon finishing however, she soon became aware of another sensation. As she bent to pull up her pants, the young lady discovered her buttocks were firmly glued against the car's fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to pump handles immediately came to mind as she attempted to disengage her flesh from the icy metal. It was quickly apparent that she had a brand new problem due to the extreme cold. Horrified by her plight and yet aware of the humor she answered her date's concerns about what was taking so long" with a reply that indeed, she was freezing her butt off and needed some assistance"! He came around the car as she tried to cover herself with her sweater and then, as she looked imploringly into his eyes, he burst out laughing.

She too, got the giggles and when they finally managed to compose themselves, they assessed her dilemma. Obviously, as hysterical as the situation was, they also were faced with a real  problem. Both agreed it would taking something hot to free her chilly cheeks from the grip of the icy metal.

Thinking about what had gotten her into the predicament in the first place, both quickly realized that there was only one way to get her free so, as she looked the other way, her first time date proceeded to unzip his pants and pee her butt off the fender.

Rescue accomplished, they returned to the car although for the remainder of the trip home there wasn't much conversation and apparently, despite their "intimate encounter," the two did not see one another again.  As for the Tonight Show...she took the prize hands down...or perhaps that should be "pants down."

And you thought your first date was embarrassing!!

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The Greatest Typo in the World...Ever!! 

This is a genuine e-mail from the main receptionist from Sun Microsystems at Corporate, and went out to all corporate employees.

To: All Corporate Employees

Subject: Copier!

Date: Thursday, July 24, 1997 12:48PM

PLEASE PLEASE please please please-I am begging -keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. 

Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner.

Regards...

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Three rugby fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road. They stopped and discovered a nude female, dead drunk.

Out of respect and propriety, the Springbok fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The All Black fan took off his cap and placed it over her left breast. Following their lead, the Australian fan took off his cap and placed it over her crotch. 

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Springbok cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the All Black cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Australian cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time. 

The Australian fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

"Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under an Australian hat, I find an arsehole."

Material on the "Offside" webpages have all been created by other sources, with most of the material having been forwarded to me.  I have named the author when known.  Please let me know if you have created any of the above material and want it removed.