'Offside'...The weekly column...

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained, through our program of Special High Intensity Training (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T. than anyone else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T. on the job, please see your manager. You will be immediately placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our managers are especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle.

Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in Departmental Employee Evaluation Programs (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.). Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to Employee Attitude Training (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since your managers took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T. anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job training others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.). Those who are full of B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P. S.H.I.T.).

If you have any questions, please direct them to our Head Of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

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Extract from yesterday's Daily Mail. Enjoy at your leisure!

Q: What is black and brown, and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A Doberman pinscher.

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in the sand?

A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do you call 500 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A: A good start.

A lawyer went into a doctor's surgery with a frog on his head. "That's a nasty-looking growth," said the doctor. "I'll say," said the frog. "It started out as a small pimple on my bottom".

Q: What do you call 5,000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the sea?

A: Unacceptable marine pollution.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?

A: Professional courtesy.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?

A: First answer: Take your foot off his head. Second answer: No? Good.

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: How many can you afford?

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A lawyer was out shooting and shot a duck. As he was about to pick it up, a farmer appeared. "This is my land," said the farmer, "so that is my duck." "I shot it," said the lawyer. "That means it is my duck - and I will sue you to prove it." "Round here we don't hold with court cases," said the farmer. "We go by the Three Kicks Law. I kick you three time; and if you can get back on your feet and kick me three times, the duck is yours." The lawyer, reckoning he could kick far harder than the farmer, said: "Fair enough." So the farmer kicked him once in the knee, then in the ribs and finally in the groin. "All right", groaned the lawyer, stumbling back on his feet, "now it's my turn."

"Oh, forget it," said the farmer. "You can have the duck."

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Q: What is the difference between a dead dog in the middle of the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?

A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?

A: His lips are moving.

Q: Father Christmas, the Tooth Fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk were walking down the road when they saw a £10 note on the pavement. Which one picked it up?

A: The old drunk, of course. The others are mythical creatures.

Two small boys meet on their first day at school. "What does your daddy do?" asks Billy. "My daddy's a postman," says Tommy. "What does your daddy do?" "My daddy's a lawyer," says Billy. "Honest?" says Tommy. "No, just the usual sort."

Q: What is the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?

A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag on for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

Q: Did you hear about the terrorist who hijacked a Boeing 747 full of lawyers?

A: He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

Q: You are trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a lawyer. You have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do?

A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Q: Why did God invent lawyers?

A: So that estate agents would have someone to look down on.

A man died and was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of torment - the rack that was to stretch him in agony for ever - he passed a side-room where a lawyer was being intimately entertained by a beautiful young woman. She was pandering to his every whim.

"This is unfair," said the dead man. "Why have I got to spend eternity stretched on a rack among flames while that lawyer spends all eternity with that beautiful woman?"

The Devil prodded him with his pitchfork. "Silence!" he snarled. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Q: Why did the lawyer cross the road?

A: To sue the chicken on the other side.

A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city donated money for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice was asked to contribute a shilling. "A shilling?" he said. "You mean it costs only a shilling to bury a lawyer? Here is a pound: go bury 20 of them!"

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a catfish?

A: One is an ugly, bottom-dwelling creature that dredges up scum and feeds off it. The other is just a fish.

Q: What is the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?

A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.

A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked what the charges were. "£300 for three questions."

"Isn't that a bit steep?" asked the man. "Yes, "said the lawyer. "And your third question?"

Q: If you call a man who helps a criminal before he is arrested an accomplice, what do you call a man who helps a criminal after he is arrested?

A: A lawyer.

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A lorry driver hated lawyers so much that whenever he saw on he would run him over. One day, he picked up a priest who was hitch-hiking. On their way into town, the driver spotted a lawyer on the pavement, and drove straight towards him to knock him down. The priest, alarmed by such driving, opened the door as if to jump out. Suddenly the driver remembered who was in the truck with him and, at the last moment, swerved to miss the lawyer. "I am sorry, Father," he confessed. "I almost hit that lawyer." The priest smiled and said: "Don't worry, my son. I got him with the door."

Q: What is the difference between God and a lawyer?

A: God doesn't think He is a lawyer.

Q: What is yellow and looks good on a lawyer?

A: A JCB earthmover.

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?

A: The lawyer charges more.

The Devil visited a lawyer and made him an offer. "I can give you good things," said the Devil. "I will increase your income five-fold. You will be respected in your profession, you will earn a knighthood, and you will live to be a hundred. "You will spend half the yea on exotic holidays, and the other half being caressed by beautiful women."

"All I require in return is that your wife and children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "Where's the catch?" he asked.

Q: Why have scientists taken to using lawyers instead of rats for their experiments?

A: There are some things a rat just won't do.

A man with an alligator walked into a bar. "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Yes," said the barman. "Good. Then a pint of beer for me, and a lawyer for my alligator, please."

Material on the "Offside" webpages have all been created by other sources, with most of the material having been forwarded to me. I have named the author when known. Please let me know if you have created any of the above material and want it removed.