Why it's good to be a guy...

Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

Same work ... more pay.

Wrinkles add character.

You don't have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn movies are designed with you in mind

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with "So, notice anything different?"

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

You can open all your own jars.

Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

You can go to a public toilet without a support group.

You can leave the motel bed unmade

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

Everything on your face stays its original color.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking "He must be mad at me."

No maxi-pads.

You don't mooch off other's desserts.

You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

You almost never have strap problems in public.

You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

You don't have to shave below your neck.

One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

Christmas shopping can be accomplished for all relatives, December 24th, in 45 minutes.

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Quotes...

"This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria....I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing." (Pat Glenn - Weightlifting commentator)

"This is really a lovely horse, I once rode her mother." (Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator)

"He's pulling him off! The Spanish manager is pulling his captain off!" (Football commentator George Hamilton on Spain manager Luis Suarez's substitution of Butragueno during their world cup qualifier with Ireland in Seville, 1992)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body" (Winston Bennett)

"The lead car is absolutely unique, except for the one behind it which is identical" (Murray Walker)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father" (Greg Norman)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in boxing - but none of them Serious" (Alan Minter)

"The racecourse is as level as a billiard ball" (John Francombe)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again" (Terry Venables)

"I would not say he (David Ginola) is the best left winger in the Premiership, but there are none better." (Ron Atkinson)

"He dribbles a lot and the opposition don't like it - you can see it all over their faces." (Ron Atkinson)

"Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the Cambridge president is kissing the cox of the Oxford crew." (Harry Carpenter - BBC TV Boat Race 1977)

"Morcelli has four fastest 1500-metre times ever. And all those times are at 1500 metres." (David Coleman)

"Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field." (Metro Radio)

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw." (Ron Atkinson)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer." (David Acfield)

"What will you do when you leave football, Jack, will you stay in football?" (Stuart Hall - Radio 5 live )

"There goes Juantorena down the back straight, opening his legs and Showing his class" (David Coleman at The Montreal Olympics)

"One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee-shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them...oh my God, what have I just said?" (USTV commentator) Sandi

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A guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus.  He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, calling him an idiot, etc., so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play. A guy walks up to the bar with a guitar and sits it beside the octopus. 

The octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimmy Hendrix just rippin' it up. So the man pays his $50. Another guy walks up with a trumpet. The octopus plays the trumpet better than Dizzie Gillespie. 

So the man pays his $50. A Scotsman walks up to the bar with a set of bagpipes. He sits them down beside the octopus. The octopus fumbles with it for a while and sits it down with a confused look on his face.  "Ha!" the Scotsman says. "Ye cannae' play it, can ye?" 

The octopus looks up at the Scotsman and says, "Play it? I'm going to f**k it as soon as I can figure how to get its pyjamas off."

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Birds and The Bees

Stanley asks his son, now aged 10, if he knows about the birds and the bees.  "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears.  

Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.  "Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech.  Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech!

If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really screw, I've got nothing left to live for!"

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Private to Sergeants

Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from Privates to Sergeants. Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the Officer's Club.  Let's you and me stop in."

"But we're Privates," protests Jasper.  "We're Sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.   "Now, Jasper, I'm gonna sit down and have me a drink."  "But we's Privates," says Jasper.  "You blind?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now." So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to screw you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what 'gonorrhea' means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign. Three weeks later, Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea. "Jasper," he says, "why'd you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates. "He points to his stripes..But we're Sergeants now!"

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Let`s pick on the blondes again!!

How do you measure a blonde's I.Q.?

With a tire gauge.

Why do blondes wear a ponytail?

To hide the valve stem.

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The Blond Ransom Caper

Jane, a blonde, was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.  She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.  Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, Jane -- the Blonde."  Jane then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.  

The next morning the blonde kidnapper checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. Jane opened the bag and found the $10,000 cash with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Material on the "Offside" webpages have all been created by other sources, with most of the material having been forwarded to me.  I have named the author when known.  Please let me know if you have created any of the above material and want it removed.