The Malkavian Empty Room Theory

There is a mage named Zoe with an entirely non-magical swan. Zoe must awaken the swan to the unrealness of it's swaniness (She must unswan it's paradigm so to speak). This done,it awakens.
Zoe mindlinks with the awakened swan, to learn of the feathered aspect of the swan's reality, specifically the Sphere of Feather (no one will be able to stand before feather in a certamen, that is sure...). Once Zoe learns feather, all the Malkavians in the room will unobfuscate and kill her.
Since of course each Malkavian thought they were the only one in the room, they will think that they're colocating paradox spirits and are in fact, everyone in the room.
The mind boggles...

A discussion
About the Origin of
VAMPIRES

(shuffling and muttering sounds)
VENTRUE: Okay you guys, sit down. I suppose you're wondering why I've called you all here.
TOREADOR: I should think so. I have an engagement in two hours that I simply MUST attend and I don't want to be late.
VENTRUE: Yeah, yeah, order. (banging noise) Well, I don't know about you guys but my projeny have been asking some rather embarassing questions and I--
MALKAV: Just tell them that when A Mummy and a Daddy love each other very much--
VENTRUE: Shut up Malkav. Anyway, they want to know about where we came from, why, how, the whole bit. I think it's time we had an answer for them.
(silence)
BRUJAH: Well, what are you asking us for? We don't (curse) know.
SAULOT: Language!!
BRUJAH: Sorry.
VENTRUE: What about you Ralph? You seem to have your nose in everything.
NOSFER: No, I am...no longer called Ralph. From this day forward, you shall call me Nosferatu.
(silence)
RAVNOS: I dunno man. Ralph suits you.
NOSFER:No! I refuse to be stuck with that name.
VENTRUE: Leave him alone Ravnos.
TOREADOR: Actually, while we're on the subject...
VENTRUE: What is it now?
TOREADOR:I have taken on the name Toreador...
(more silence)
HASSAM: You've never even seen a bull, let alone fight one Norman.
TOREADOR: LEAVE ME ALONE!!
RAVNOS: I was gonna say something about "full of..." Oh never mind.
VENTRUE: SHALL we get back to business?
LASOMBRA: I think "Nosferatu" sounds cool actually Ralph.
NOSFER: And it's alot easier when you can't retract your fangs...
VENTRUE: GENTLEMEN!
(silence)
VENTRUE: Okay, any ideas?
TZIMISCE: Uh...
VENTRUE: Yes, Tzimisce?
TZIMISCE: Yas. Do you think it vas a disease perrrhaps?
SAULOT: Nnnnno...I don't think so. I'd know about it by now if it was.
MALKAV: Ooo! Ooo! I've got an idea!
VENTRUE: (groan) What?
MALKAV: Ooo! Ooo! We're all...aliens! Yeah! From the planet...Yuggoth!
BRUJAH: Malkav?
MALKAV: Yeah?
BRJUAH: Drop dead.
(silence)
MALKAV: Ain't it just TOO BAD you don't have Dominate?
BRUJAH: Real men don't NEED Dominate!
(thud)
MALKAV: Owwww!
RAVNOS: Okay, I've got it.
VENTRUE: Yes?
RAVNOS: They're not really vampires, they just think they are.
VENTRUE: Hmm...not bad but then the really dumb ones will try to prove you wrong by taking a sunbake.
LASOMBRA: So? Weeds out the stupid ones, less of a population problem. Less nosey projeny asking silly questions.
TOREADOR: Lasombra, you are perverted.
LASOMBRA: Hey, am I my brother's keeper?
TZIMISCE: He has a valid point, frrriend.
TOREADOR: Sickening creatures.
(sniggering)
SAULOT: Brother's keeper?...Hey! That reminds me! You know those guys that wear the funny tea towels on their heads--
HASSAM: Watch it three eyes...
SAULOT: Sorry. Anyway, they have this old story about this one guy who kills his brother and gets cursed, see--
SUTEKH: Cursssed, you sssay? Hmm...I like it!
NOSFER: Yeah but if YOU say so, no one would believe it!
TREMERE: I know! We did it by Magic!
(Silence)
BRUJAH: Who the HELL are you?
TREMERE: Oh, Arrogant-scheming-mage at your service.
SAULOT: Hang on, you're not supposed to be here until AD 1314!
TREMERE: So? I'm an oracle of time. I'll be when I want.
VENTRUE: A mortal eh? Hey Tremere!
TREMERE: Yeah?
VENTRUE: GET OUT.
TREMERE: Sure. (slam) (muffled) Damn. MUST learn how to do that.
VENTRUE: Now, we might be on to something with this curse thing. We haven't heard from Gangrel yet and we need a female opinion at this juncture. What do you think Gangrel?
(silence)
VENTRUE: Gangrel?
(more silence)
VENTRUE: Anybody seen Gangrel?
RAVNOS: Errr...actually ,we had a bit of a disagreement...
MALKAV: Awww...Doesn't Mommy wuv you anymore?
RAVNOS: Suck off.
MALAKV: DOES she do it doggy-style?
(biff)
RAVNOS: Thank you Brujah.
BRUJAH: No prob, bro'.
VENTRUE: Okay so what gives with this curse thing?
SAULOT: Well, they say that the first two sons of the first man had to give offerings to God. The first brother gave plants and stuff and the second brother gave animal blood.
ALL: Yeah, alright! Sounds cool...
SAULOT: So the Older one--Cain, I think--killed Abel, the younger one and was cursed by God for the very first murder.
HASSAM: Innovative man, this Cain.
SUTEKH: Sso, we're descended from a psssychopathic green grocer. How about we're descended from the MURDERED one sso that we're the CHOSSSEN of God, the INHERITOSSS of Divine Power, the--
MALKAV: You really have a God complex, don't you Sutekh? Tell me about your mother. Did she ever lock you in a cupboard? Or--
(biff)
BRUJAH: Final warning Kook...
VENTRUE: Sutekh, please stop standing on your chair.
TREMERE: I like the cursed by God thing actually.
VENTRUE: How did YOU get in here?
TREMERE: Correspondance. Don't you know anything? Hey Saulot!
SAULOT: Yeah?
TREMERE: I just worked out where I've seen you before. Could I have a word with you outside? It won't take more than five minutes. Promise.
SAULOT: Sure, you seem like a decent enough fellow.
(Slam)
LASOMBRA: Wonder what he wants? Anyway--
TOREADOR: I think I prefer the older brother. He's a charming, regal figure who dillegently sacrifices for his Lord, but is consumed by jealousy into a desperate act--which he regrets later of course--but TOO LATE to avoid the harsh judgement of an UNCARING God and is doomed to wander the Earth, out cast from his fellow man! Oh the horror! Oh the humanity! Oh the Angst!
BRUJAH: What is an "angst" anyway?
SUTEKH: Oh it'sss kind of a crossss, but with a loopy bit on top. My guysss love 'em.
BRUJAH: Oh (pause) I don't get it....
TOREADOR: Philistines.
(scream from outside)
TZIMISCE: Vat the hell vas that?
NOSFER: Sounded like Saulot. Hey! You guys keep it down out there!!
(door opens)
TREMERE: Oh. Sorry. Uhh...Saulot says that uhh...he had to leave--real fast--Uhh...but he was real happy about it and--Uhh...he was glad he caught up with you guys again.
NOSFER: Is it just me or does he look kinda pale?
VENTRUE: Who cares? Getting back to this curse thing...
LASOMBRA: SO, are we his direct projeny then? 'Cos if so, how come we don't know where he is now?
MALKAV: Err...he made us and ran away. Really fast!
RAVNOS: No, no,no. He made some other guys first, then made us...
TOREADOR: And he repented of the Horror he had unleashed upon the Earth and banished himself from the sight of ALL!
MALKAV: And ran away REALLY fast.
TOREADOR: If you insist.
VENTRUE: But how come we're all different?
TOREADOR: The Curse works in mysterious ways...
NOSFER: Yeah! I used to be the most handsome man in the world...
RAVNOS: Yeah right.
LASOMBRA: And I had a reflection!
BRUJAH: Can I have been a philosopher?
RAVNOS: And Toreador used to have taste!...
MALKAV: And I used to be insane!
(silence)
VENTRUE: I think we might be pushing our luck here.
SUTEKH: Any BETTER ideasss?
VENTRUE: Let's put it to a vote then. Magic?
TREMERE: Aye.
VENTRUE: That's one.
(silence)
VENTRUE: Okay, aliens from the planet Yuggoth?
MALKAV: Twenty-three.
VENTRUE: Your multiple personalities don't count Malkav.
MALKAV: Awww....
VENTRUE: The chosen son of God?...Sutekh, Lasombra, Tzimisce. Any others?
HASSAM: Aye.
VENTRUE: Okay that's four. Cursed children of a psychopathic green grocer?...That's four, plus myself , five.
(groans)
LASOMBRA: Swinging the vote, you black balling bureaucrat!
VENTRUE: If you don't like it go form your own group.
LASOMBRA: Maybe I will.
VENTRUE: Okay then I charge all of you to disperse this data to your projeny and I'll have my people send out the memos in triplicate to YOUR people before the start of the next fiscal year. Meeting adjourned! (bnging noise, general muttering and shuffling) Drinks anyone?
MALKAV: I think Tremere just ate. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
TZIMISCE: Vy did you throw him out ze window, Brujah?
BRUJAH: I dunno man, just somethng I had to do...( Sulking) None of you understand me anyway...
HASSAM: (whispered)Hey! Tremere!
TREMERE: What?
HASSAM: Saulot--you did him in, didn't you? You snuffed him. Sucked him dry.
TREMERE: Uhhh...yeah. I did.
(silence)
HASSAM: What's it like?!