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Guru Al's Ten
Commandments
G. Marshall inquired, "What is New Age Christianity, pray tell?"
Well in my e-mail to him I explained the complex nature of the religion and the very roots on which it is based. However I am sure that I confused him further.
E-mail me: gurual_hfh@yahoo.com I guarantee I will respond to you within two weeks.
So, here it is! This will set you straight. This is what you are allowed to do and what you are not. Follow this and you will be fine, don’t and you will probably* go to hell.
This is what you have been waiting for. Hold your breath not, lest shall ye fall and miss all that is to be told to ye. Aye, to be sure, this be the most straight forward and easy-to-follow set of rules ever written, or me thinks my name not be Damon o’ the People.
[Ah, Al your name isn’t Damon o’ the People!
Are you sure?
Yes, certain. That is why I call you Al and not Damon.
Hmm, twisted logic Hochlor, but it may just be right.
Trust me Al, would I lie to you?
Constantly
Well, yes. It is my nature after all. That is what comes with being a supreme evil demon,
cursed with having minimal powers and to live in the body of a hypocritical, overly-
religious, evangelist swine.
Yeah, easy going now. I am still here, you know.]
*There is a 500,000,000 to 1 probability that you will go to hell. Of course this is very small, but still existent. This also explains why the population of hell is only 36. Where do you go if you don’t go to hell and you don’t go to heaven? Well you get stuck on a nice, large tropical-like island called Middlonia. It is not on this planet like heaven and hell aren’t. You stay there for eternity in its vast expanses. Actually it is quite nice and you get to swim and lay in the sun all day. Hey if I weren’t going to heaven I would want to go there. But of course Heaven is much better, well kinda. Well, there are pros and cons for each. Perhaps you know enough now.
Well, if my introduction has not been informative enough then you will find what you need in the following text. If not then there is little, if any, hope for you. Please read each commandment carefully as your responses to them could lead to you making the right or wrong decision.
Please, this is the real religion! Do not follow any imitations. This is the only one that can lead you on the right path. The only reason that anyone has gone to heaven at all was because we thought it was unfair that no one had ever read the real bible, but only the false one. So everyone was let in until the ‘word’ could be sufficiently spread.
Lies, Lern und sei Gluecklich (Read, Learn and be happy).
Thou shalt not listen to the tainted influence that is the music of Hanson, The Backstreet Boys and Spice Girls.
Thou shalt not worship false forms of government, eg. Evil Communism/Socialism or misguided Democracy.
Thou shalt commit yourself only to fascism and the power, strength, purity it represents.
Thou shalt not dismiss the sexual propositions of anyone, it is the worst form of insult to those who do not get any.
Make not any sculptures of Joan of Arc in strange positions.
Do not use the names of fascism, yFalminica, Al, Joan of Arc, chickens or God for evil purposes. Misuse their names and you’ll will be punished.
Do not commit murder without the written permission of your local member of parliament or the president of the Druglord Protection League, Gorf.
Respect your father and mother only if they deserve it. Apply for a divorce from them at the ‘yFalminican House of Family Matters and Jilted Lovers’ if you believe that they do not deserve your respect.
Observe the Sabellian, the third day of the week. You must rest and not work, paying homage to the glory of Fascism and Guru Al (and also the deceased God). Eat on this day nothing but from the fast food outlet of Agy’s Family Restaurant ®™©. Just the place for the family to gather and spend precious time with each other. Guru Al wholly endorses this notion, ‘cause When it’s Agy, it’s Glaggy*
*Word made up for promotional reasons.
[What’s that Hochlor? They didn’t give us any money? Well why not?!
We didn’t ask for any
Oh, well we can always rectify that.]
Send money now, and we will give you in return, absolute satisfaction!!!!!
Stay tuned for the exciting tale of
Damon o’ the People
Coming Soon *
*Soon is a vague concept, which the noble Guru Al wishes not to elaborate on. Anyone who pursues the matter leaves themselves open for prosecution or execution under yFalminican law.
Have a happy day!
Pauline Hanson appeared courtesy of Madame Teausaud’s Wax Theatre.
©1998 GuRu inc.